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Dating a phd student: a survival guide, published by steve tippins on september 11, 2019 september 11, 2019.

Last Updated on: 5th June 2024, 02:55 am

Are you dating a PhD student, or married to one? Watching your spouse go through the PhD process can be confusing at best and downright terrible at worst. Your partner may have to be away for hours (or days) at a time. And even when they are home, they have to work on the computer deep into the night, at your children’s dance recitals, and just about anywhere else imagine. 

I’ve been through the PhD process and supported my wife as she began a PhD program and later, as she returned to get a second Master’s degree. I’ve also been through the PhD process myself. So I know both what dating a PhD student (or being married to one) and being a PhD student is like . I’ve also consulted for countless clients, and found many of them have the same problems–and solutions.

Keeping that experience in mind, here are a few things to remember about dating a PhD student. 

7 Things to Remember for Dating a PhD Student 

1. This is a marathon and not a sprint

If you’ve been through college but not grad school, you might remember the time when you pulled an all-nighter in college and did just enough to pass a class that you were way behind in. 

It’s important to remember that graduate school works differently–your partner probably doesn’t have the option of doing things halfway.

Where an undergraduate student could get by skimming the readings, grad students are expected to read everything and make intelligent comments about what they have read. Multiple choice tests are not part of the curriculum. That is to say, even “barely passing” still requires an extraordinary amount of work. 

Thus, your partner will need to put in many hours of work each week, consistently, in order to achieve his or her goal. Mentally prepare yourself for this, and you’ll be less likely to take it personally when your partner doesn’t have time for you. You’ll be a better support to them, and you’ll save yourself the suffering of feeling rejected.

This is a long grind and it will take time and lots of dedication, but they will cross the finish line. 

2 . Your partner will change during the process

Anything that you do for many hours a week for 3 to 8 years is bound to change you. And grad school is designed to do just that. Your partner will look at the world differently when she or he finishes. 

You will probably have changed over time as well. Learn to appreciate the new way of looking at the world. Dating a PhD student can be a bit like going through the PhD program vicariously–you too will be immersed in their topic as they describe the challenges they face and the revelations they have.

Over 50% of doctoral candidates don’t finish their dissertations.

 If you can think of this as a journey that you are on together, it can be a fun process of learning and discovery. That said…

3. There actually is an end

You may think that your partner will never finish the #%&$*@ program. It just seems that way. Every day he/she gets a little closer. Sometimes it may not seem like the end will come but when it does you will have new adventures in front of you and an appreciative partner. Your support, in whatever way you can give it, will make the end of the journey arrive faster (or at least feel like it).

4. The people that your partner is dealing with may seem unreasonable

There may be times when your partner talks about a particular professor in less than glowing terms. Comments like “I already did this!” or “Didn’t he see that?” are mild examples of what might be said. 

Rest assured that you do not need to jump in and defend your partner’s honor. You may think that the request is ridiculous (perhaps a nuance of APA punctuation) but it’s usually been made for a reason. 

Even if the professor is truly being unreasonable, there is no need to defend your partner in these situations. Doing so will usually just make the situation worse. Instead, move on to number 5.

5. Just listen

Many times, all your partner may need is someone to listen to them. They may just need to vent a little without needing you to fix things. 

Understand that there are times when your partner just needs someone to listen and not solve the problem . Being able to listen is a skill that serves all of us well. If your partner is working towards a doctorate, they can solve problems themselves–they just need a friend.

6. You may have to do some things alone

Your partner is very, very busy. You are probably aware of that already. You have a choice to sit and wait for him or her to finish or you can do some things on your own. Maybe you have always wanted to learn to play the guitar, or explore the local waterways by kayak. Perhaps there is a local group looking for mentors or other opportunities to volunteer.

The point is, there are many constructive things that you can do while your partner is doing school work. It will take the added pressure off of them if they know that you can enjoy yourself on your own and aren’t dependent on them for your happiness. Think of it as a free pass to get better acquainted with yourself and try new things.

7. Anything that you can do to lighten the load is appreciated

Perhaps your partner is working, going to school, and in a relationship with you all at the same time (and maybe you even have kids!). Even balancing school and a relationship may be overwhelming if you factor getting at least one good night’s sleep a week into the equation.

There are not enough hours in the day to get everything done. Anything that you can do will be very helpful and show how compassionate and supportive you are. Do the laundry, cook dinner, and you’ll earn your place as the supportive partner of your spouse’s dreams. 

Final Thoughts on Dating a PhD Student

If your partner is in a doctoral program your life will change. If you can understand what she or he is going through and try to help, your life will be much easier and your partner will really appreciate everything that you do. And, while you are being supportive, take the chance to grow yourself.

Steve Tippins

Steve Tippins, PhD, has thrived in academia for over thirty years. He continues to love teaching in addition to coaching recent PhD graduates as well as students writing their dissertations. Learn more about his dissertation coaching and career coaching services. Book a Free Consultation with Steve Tippins

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The Perils of Dating a PhD Student (or: an Honest Academic’s Dating Profile… )

by scarlettbrown · Published 8th April 2015 · Updated 12th April 2017

Graduate Student Advice Month

http://www.phdcomics.com/

Last year at a conference I was talking to one of my mentors about how it felt to be in the final year of a PhD. She asked me if I was in a relationship with anyone, and I said I wasn’t. Her reply summed it up:

“That’s probably for the best.”

Relationships are incompatible with PhDs, seems to be the conclusion. A recent BuzzFeed article really hit home with lots of my PhD friends – ‘ 24 Struggles You’ll Only Understand If You’re Dating A PhD Student ’ – it covers a lot of the issues PhD students in couples have. Put most simply, being the partner of a PhD student largely means accepting that the Thesis is the biggest part of both of your lives , and is a far bigger player in how your relationship goes than either of you are.

But how does that translate to dating? There are a lot of advice-to-students articles about how to maintain relationships, but how does that translate for the single Grad student? To address this, I thought I would offer my own, painful insight, by making suggestions for what an academic’s honest dating profile might look like.

My Self-Summary

I’m a PhD student in London, researching women in the boardroom.

What I’m doing with my life…

I’m in the last 6 months of my PhD, so I spend most of my time re-reading sections of my thesis that I have already re-written many times over, and drinking too much coffee, and getting angry with people who get between me and the coffee. Rest of the time spent hopping from one existential crisis to another, oscillating wildly between a range of contradictory emotions and over-thinking.

I’m really good at…

Adding ‘hyper’ and ‘meta’ to words to make them seem more interesting . Living on almost no money. Eating cold leftovers for a week without anyone noticing.  Killing plants. Writing abstracts. Rewriting abstracts. Missing deadlines. Deconstructing the patriarchy.

The first things people usually notice about me…

General disarray and scattiness. Possibly the look of madness in the eye while I try to hold a number of theories in my head and analyse my data and finish this marking and reply to my students’ requests and apply for more funding. Sorry, what was the question again?

[Nothing says ‘date me’ like academia exhaustion, amirite?]

Favourite books, movies, shows, music and food…

Books : Critical Discourse Analysis, Conducting Qualitative Research, Analysing Qualitative Data (8 th ed.). Anything by Erving Goffman, Michel Foucault, Judith Butler or Pierre Bourdieu. Mainly I am good at buying theory books I wont have time to read, and stacking them around me on my desk to make myself feel like I’m working.

I gave up fiction in about 2008 when I got accepted into my Master’s program. Except Harry Potter, which I find is a good cure for academic insomnia.

Music – Classical, ambient, or generally anything that doesn’t have words to it, so I can listen to it while I work.

Food – I am a whizz at making a week’s worth of library-food on little to no money. The most exciting days are when conferences take place in our building and there’s free sandwiches. [Once, someone brought in a box of Krispy Kremes and there was nearly a riot.]

The six things I could never do without…

1) Mobile office – [laptop, keyboard, mouse, notebook, highlighter pens (2), dictaphone, book on Discourse Analysis, journal article on sense-making] Just in case I get caught out somewhere away from work and have to fill time: tube; train; hospital waiting room; pub the 10 minutes before the date starts. 2) Coffee 3) Coffee 4) My supervisor’s approval 5) Coffee 6) Friends/family/lovers etc.

I spend a lot of time thinking about…

Myself. My work. My insecurities. Long words that other people don’t understand, that give me an inflated sense of self-importance. Wondering if it self-indulgent to do a PhD? Is it self-involved? I think I’m pretty self-involved anyway. Maybe the PhD has made me self-involved? Was I self-involved before I started? I’m not really self-involved, just obsessed with the thesis. But is there a difference between myself and the PhD? Where does it end and I begin?

What I’m going to do when I finish the PhD. I should plan that now, if I don’t have publications I will probably never get a job. And then I really will be alone forever. My thesis is great though, I’m so excited, it’s such a privilege to do research in an area I love. Except I am a complete failure, I am definitely going to be alone forever, and definitely not going to have a career in academia. Maybe I could get out of academia? What IS outside academia?

On a typical Friday night I am…

Trying to disguise the fact that all I can think is:

“You should be writing. You should be writing. You should be writing. You should be writing. You should be writing.”

…while I try to socialise. Becoming increasingly aware that every minute spent with my friends or a dating partner is paid for in time that should be spent working.

Saying the word ‘problematise’ and realising people are looking at me strangely.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit…

I have no idea how I got this far without everyone realising I’m a fraud .

You should message me if…

You want to go for a drink and talk about my thesis. Although I definitely don’t want to talk about my thesis. Which is awkward, because I can only think about my thesis.

Also, if we’re on a date and I run away half way through it’s probably because I’ve just worked out what theoretical framework to use to make sense of my third empirical chapter, rather than because you aren’t great. Probably.

Tags: advice dating graduate advice OkCupid student

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This is hilarious. So familiar! So true! I shall issue it as a warning to all my friends & family!

Perils of dating a PhD student? Try being married to one! George and I have been together for nine years and he has been a student for eight of them. I honestly feel that at the end of it I should be awarded an honorary PhD for going through it with him!

I had a recent breakup with a PhD student and I didn’t quite understand why. I thought I was maybe the problem… But after reading your post, I understand how stressful it can be. When I showed him this blog post, he told me it’s pretty much his life right now and it’s on point. All I want to do now is give him support, even if we are not a couple anymore…

LOL! I second Jo Byrne’s comment

Great analysis!. I have graduated recently and here comes the shock!, 50 years after leaving my old University (Vienna)! Relocated to this country after marrying a Brit who was the best thing that ever happened to me, absolutely wonderful husband and father and clever too. Having supported me throughout the PhD with wise counsel he did not live long enough to see me finish it. Had quite a bit of trouble with the examiners as I dealt with a contentious subject in history and politics of events that happened in 1945 in Central Europe. There was the unspoken suspicion of bias which in the end I was able to invalidate through being able to prove that my version was indeed correct.

So, yes, getting involved in the work for a PhD does demand stamina but in the end if you have a theory and can prove it against the odds and contribute to knowledge, there is satisfaction too.

Sadly, though I pursued my research with great interest, the PhD does little for me now and I do miss male company. So, if there is a suitable academic in your circle of friends tell him my story.

Very true. I am going through this. Thirty years after my undergraduate degree. Hope to soon be through!

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Video abstract for the paper by Susana Batel and Patrick Devine-Wright (University of Exeter) Read the paper here.

Navigating the Dating Maze: The Ups and Downs of PhD Student Romance

Listen to the article .

As PhD students, we’re no strangers to intense workloads, endless research, and the constant pursuit of academic excellence. While our focus on education and career growth is commendable, it can be challenging to maintain a healthy work-life balance . This is especially true when it comes to dating and building romantic relationships. For many of us, the dating world can be frustrating, and at times, depressing experience.

As PhD students, we face unique challenges in the dating world that can make it feel like we’re running a never-ending emotional marathon. From time constraints and financial concerns to the dreaded “ imposter syndrome “, dating as a PhD student can be a rollercoaster ride.

Time constraints

One of the most significant challenges PhD students face is finding the time for dating. Between teaching, conducting research, attending conferences, and writing papers, our schedules are often jam-packed. This leaves little room for socialising and building meaningful connections with potential romantic partners. It’s not uncommon for PhD students to prioritise their work over their personal lives, leading to missed opportunities for love and companionship.

Solution: While it’s essential to focus on your academic and professional goals, don’t forget to make time for yourself and your emotional well-being. Schedule regular breaks and carve out time in your calendar for socialising and dating. Being intentional about maintaining a work-life balance can make dating more enjoyable and less overwhelming.

Financial concerns

Pursuing a PhD is a significant investment, both in terms of time and money. With mounting student loan debt and often modest stipends, financial concerns can weigh heavily on the minds of PhD students. This can create feelings of stress and insecurity, making it difficult to fully enjoy the dating experience.

Solution: Be honest with yourself and your potential partner about your financial situation. Many people are understanding and supportive when it comes to the sacrifices that come with pursuing higher education. Remember, there are plenty of low-cost or free date ideas that can be just as enjoyable and meaningful as more expensive outings.

Intellectual compatibility

As PhD students, we’re used to engaging in deep, thought-provoking conversations with our peers and mentors. When it comes to dating, finding someone with a similar level of intellectual curiosity and ambition can be challenging. It can be disheartening when conversations with potential partners feel superficial or lack the intellectual stimulation we crave.

Solution: Seek out dating opportunities in places where you’re more likely to find like-minded individuals. Attend networking events, join clubs or organisations related to your field, or try online dating platforms that cater to professionals and academics. This will increase your chances of finding someone who shares your intellectual interests and can engage in meaningful conversations.

Imposter syndrome

Imposter syndrome, or the persistent feeling of inadequacy despite evidence of success, is a common struggle among PhD students. These feelings of self-doubt can spill over into our romantic lives, leading us to question our worthiness as partners and causing us to shy away from pursuing meaningful relationships.

Solution: Recognise and challenge your imposter syndrome thoughts. Remind yourself of your accomplishments and the value you bring to a relationship. Surround yourself with supportive friends and loved ones who can help boost your self-esteem and remind you of your worth.

Long-term c ommitments

The pursuit of a PhD often involves long-term commitments to a particular institution, research project, or geographic location. This can make it difficult to enter into a relationship, as the uncertainty of where we’ll end up after completing our degrees can create hesitancy for both ourselves and potential partners.

Solution: Open communication is key when it comes to discussing your long-term plans and commitments with a potential partner. Be upfront about your goals and aspirations and encourage your partner to do the same. This will help you both understand each other’s expectations and allow you to navigate the challenges that come with dating as a PhD student together.

Dating as a PhD student can be a daunting and sometimes depressing experience. However, by acknowledging the unique challenges we face and implementing strategies to overcome them, we can make dating a more enjoyable and fulfilling aspect of our lives.

To ensure your emotional well-being, it’s important to prioritise it, connect with individuals who share your values, and maintain open communication with potential partners. With perseverance and patience, you can navigate the complexities of dating and find companionship while pursuing your academic objectives.

Dennis Relojo-Howell   is the managing director of  Psychreg.

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While the dedication and persistence required of PhD candidates are apparent, similar qualities are needed on the part of those who date them. If your boyfriend's or girlfriend's sights are set on academia or research, the educational rigor leading thereto will demand a huge commitment of time and energy, as well as the willingness to delay gratification when it comes to finances, socializing and more. In order to make it through this time with your relationship not only intact but stronger than ever, you'll need to familiarize yourself with the PhD lifestyle and form strategies for how to cope with it.

Set Your Expectations

Preparing yourself for the reality of this program, through its completion, can help you be patient, as you will be able to mark off important milestones and count down to the next phase. If your significant other is still in the first years, your experience may mimic that of the college life you're accustomed to -- to an extent. A majority of students, though, supplement their classroom studies with stints as undergrad teaching assistants or researchers, according to "The Princeton Review" in "Master's vs. PhD Programs." After this, usually comes an exam or thesis that proves preparedness for the next stage -- writing a dissertation. While it might seem that this phase, which entails fewer classes, would be lower-involvement, it usually calls for a great deal of concentration, research, writing and rewriting, and discussions with a thesis adviser.

Lay Out Priorities

In the context of a committed relationship, it's easy for a busy student to take a partner for granted, focusing overwhelmingly on school obligations, according to the American Psychological Association's student social psychology representative, Ph.D. candidate David Kille, in his article, "Achieving an Optimal Work-Life Balance: Dating in Graduate School." You can preempt the sting of being sidelined for the book stacks -- and the arguments and emotional distancing that could result -- by planning fun activities unrelated to studying. No matter how busy student life gets, you can make time for a white-water rafting adventure or checking out the dinner theater two towns away when you both consciously prioritize the relationship.

Brush Up on the Subject

Especially when it comes time for dissertation writing, your partner may develop tunnel vision for the subject of study. Because PhD students can unintentionally winnow their social circles down to advisers and peers tacking similar challenges, introduce yourself to that world to the extent possible. While you don't need expertise to match your partner's, developing a working knowledge of the subject will allow your significant other to share passionate discussions with you. Keeping in mind that a doctoral candidate will likely maintain a lifelong interest in the degree subject, and that this subject is an aspect of the personality that attracted you, knowing the basics of it can create a stronger bridge between the two of you.

Secure Social Supports

For the many PhD students who tend to drift toward social isolation as academic requirements grow, peer support groups can be invaluable, says National Science Foundation Graduate Research Fellow Michael Kiparsky in the post, "Peer Support for PhD Students" on the Tomorrow's Professor Mailing List website. When you notice your boyfriend or girlfriend growing distant from former comrades and getting down in the dumps, you can offer support by either arranging or offering to help your partner arrange a get-together with appetizers, tall coffees and dissertation discussion. While you're at it, secure your own necessary social supports. Scheduling time for fun with your own friends can reinforce your sense of identity beyond the relationship and take your mind off the loneliness you may temporarily feel.

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• The Princeton Review: Master's vs. PhD Programs
• American Psychological Association: Achieving an Optimal Work-Life Balance: Dating in Graduate School

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How Dating In Grad School Is Totally Different Than Dating In College

This is probably an unpopular opinion but I enjoyed grad school way more than I did college. I appreciated the smaller class sizes, the more intensive research work I got to do, and the ability to work alongside professors I'd admired for years. The academic experience wasn't the only way grad school was different from college, though. After two years as a grad student, I learned that dating in grad school brought with it an entirely new rulebook I hadn't read in college.

As a grad student, you're in a different phase of your adult life. You're most likely in charge of all of your finances now, you probably have fewer roommates, and hopefully, you're more inclined to do your laundry yourself rather than taking it all home for your mom. I know, I know. Change is scary but I can confirm that Cheetos will remain one of your main food groups so you can at least take comfort in that.

Apart from these personal life changes, you'll notice a few differences in your love life as well, especially when it comes to casually dating. Here are three ways dating in grad school is so not like dating in college . New classroom, new rules.

Dating Apps

The ability to swipe through hundreds of people in your college town and the potential to match with literally anyone who catches your eye both sound ideal.

In college:

This thought process works out pretty well in college, especially since almost the entire student body is on dating apps, anyway. It's a quick way to meet new people or maybe even find out if that girl from your chemistry lab likes you back (you know, assuming you swipe right on her and it's a match). Dating apps are basically perfect for college because of how easy they are to use and how non-committal the whole swiping ritual is. It's rarely ever awkward bumping into your college classmates on Tinder because it's just what people do in college.

In grad school:

This all seems a lot less appealing once you get to grad school. Presumably, your age preferences in grad school widen a bit leaving you open to a couple risks. The first is that you'll be swiping through professors who might be teaching your classes or whom you might be working closely with on a research project. Either way, it's sure to leave a queasy feeling in your stomach that'll make you question whether or not you really need to be on dating apps at all.

The other more horrifying risk, though, is the thought of accidentally matching with one of your students on a dating app. If, like I did, you work as a teaching assistant throughout your master's program, chances are you'll be teaching your own classes or, at the very least, grading papers for another professor's very large class. Keeping track of all of the students you interact with on a daily basis becomes difficult in a class of 150 students. You won't know them all by name and you might not always immediately recognize them outside of class — like on dating apps.

To avoid this potentially disastrous mishap, I'd recommend narrowing your dating app preferences significantly and avoiding swiping right on anyone who lists your school as the one that they attend. With fewer potential matches to swipe through, you'll be better able to determine which of them might be students of yours and which of them might actually be suitable dates.

Study Dates

Everyone knows " study date " is code for, "I like you, let's spend some uninterrupted, quiet time together so we can do literally anything else besides study."

That's just as true in college as it is in high school. Asking your crush to have a study date with you is college-speak for Netflix and chill. Even if you do study for a couple hours, the conversation will eventually become more casual, you'll both be more relaxed, and it won't be long before you're studying each other. This still counts as biology, right?

Unfortunately, in grad school, a study date is a study date — no matter how badly you'd like to swipe all the papers off the desk and get busy. It's not because grad students are boring or have lower sex drives or anything like that. It's simply because, in grad school, you really do need all the study time you can get. Grad school reading assignments are exhaustive (hundreds of pages per class every week) and final papers can often be well over 30 pages long so winging it is out of the question. Not only are the classes more difficult but the grading policies are stricter. In my program, a B was equivalent to an F and anything below that meant automatic expulsion.

In addition to your weekly work load, you spend a lot of time traveling to academic conferences and submitting your work for publication — both tasks that require an extraordinary amount of prep time. For those students interested in careers in academia, presenting at national conferences and publishing a certain number of peer-reviewed articles before graduation are crucial to their professional advancement. That said, it's not uncommon for grad students to spend a lot of time together actually getting work done... even if they are interested in each other. The truth is that real study dates in grad school are kind of fun; it's comforting to know the other person is going through the same things you are and it's exciting to have someone to talk about your work with.

It's not like the types of places in any given town change between your college graduation and your grad school acceptance so why should your date spots be any different?

Once you've turned 21, the drinks date is fairly standard in college. You probably have a list of local bars with the best happy hours saved on your phone and you've already figured out the best route to walk back to your apartment if you have too much to drink. Best of all, since college bars tend to run outrageous drinks specials, it won't even cost you that much to #turnup.

The college bar is risky in the same way dating apps are risky in grad school — you'll probably run into your students doing body shots on a high top and honestly, there's very little chance of saving the date after that. With college bars off-limits and fancier restaurants a little out of your teaching assistant's budget, coffee shops and more laid-back lounges are the go-to date spots in grad school.

Honestly, any chance just to get off campus would probably qualify as a date. Apart from avoiding your students by heading to a coffee shop, you'll actually be able to hear your date and enjoy their company somewhere more low-key.

Even if you go straight from college to grad school, you'll notice right away that things are a little different. Academically, you'll want to dedicate more time and effort to your work. Socially, you'll find yourself surrounded by similarly intellectual people who are passionate about the same subjects that you are. Romantically, just do your best not to date your students!

Check out the entire Gen Why series and other videos on Facebook and the Bustle app across Apple TV, Roku, and Amazon Fire TV.

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Dating A PhD Student Long Distance: Building A Future from Afar!

The academic commitment of a phd student, balancing love and scholarship, distance and communication barriers, effective communication strategies, leveraging technology for connection, overcoming time zone differences, keeping the spark alive in long-distance relationships, creative ideas for virtual dates, managing expectations and emotional needs, navigating uncertainties in academic and relationship timelines, discussing future plans and goals, the role of support and understanding in long-distance relationships, maximizing quality time during visits, balancing relationship needs with academic responsibilities, strategies for keeping the relationship exciting and fulfilling, conclusion: embracing the journey together, dating a phd student long distance: navigating challenges.

Dating a PhD student long distance brings a set of challenges that are distinct and multifaceted.

This journey, while filled with its own rewards, requires a keen awareness of the hurdles involved and a commitment to overcoming them together.

• Impact on the Relationship: The limited availability can strain the relationship, requiring both partners to be flexible and understanding.
• Planning Quality Time: Set aside dedicated times for communication.
• Sharing Academic Progress: Keeps the non-student partner involved and informed.
• Methods of Support: Regular check-ins, listening, and offering encouragement.
• Joint Goals: Discuss and align your future plans, considering both the relationship and academic achievements.
• Overcoming Distance: Regular video calls, surprise virtual dates, and sharing daily experiences help maintain a close bond.
• Open and Honest Dialogue: Ensures both partners feel heard and valued.
• Regular Updates: Share both the highs and lows of your days.

Strategies for Overcoming Challenges

In summary, dating a PhD student long distance demands a blend of patience, flexibility, and open communication.

By acknowledging these challenges and actively working on them, couples can foster a strong, supportive, and enduring relationship, even across miles.

Strengthening Communication

In a relationship where you’re dating a PhD student long distance, the cornerstone of your connection is communication.

It’s not just about talking more, but about talking smart and making each interaction count.

• Focused Conversations: Share meaningful updates, feelings, and experiences.
• Active Listening: Show genuine interest and empathy in your partner’s life.
• Honesty is Key: Share your joys, frustrations, and fears openly.
• Video Calls: Platforms like Zoom or Skype allow for face-to-face interaction.
• Messaging Apps: For sharing quick updates and staying in the loop.
• Virtual Dates: Watch movies together online, play games, or even cook together over video.
• Surprise Messages: Send unexpected texts or voice notes to keep the excitement alive.
• Plan Ahead: Schedule calls at times convenient for both, considering each other’s routines.
• Flexibility: Be willing to adjust your schedule occasionally for spontaneous chats.
• Quality Time: Even short conversations should be meaningful and engaging.

Communication Strategies and Tools

In essence, effective communication in a long-distance relationship with a PhD student involves a mix of traditional and modern approaches, ensuring that every conversation strengthens the bond.

By embracing these strategies, couples can maintain a vibrant and connected relationship, regardless of the miles between them.

Building Emotional Intimacy from Afar

When dating a PhD student long distance, building and maintaining emotional intimacy is a vital component of the relationship.

It’s about creating a deep connection that transcends physical distance.

• Daily Check-ins: Share your day-to-day experiences, thoughts, and feelings.
• Deep Conversations: Discuss your dreams, fears, and aspirations.
• Letters and Gifts: Send handwritten notes or thoughtful gifts to show you care.
• Watch Parties: Stream movies or shows together online.
• Online Games: Play interactive games to enjoy some light-hearted fun.
• Shared Interests: Explore topics or hobbies you both enjoy.
• Open Discussions: Talk about what you both expect from the relationship.
• Adjusting Expectations: Be willing to adapt as circumstances change.
• Empathy and Understanding: Recognize and validate each other’s feelings and struggles.

Emotional Intimacy Strategies

To sum up, fostering emotional intimacy in a long-distance relationship with a PhD student involves a blend of consistent communication, creative virtual interactions, and a deep understanding of each other’s emotional needs.

By embracing these elements, couples can create a strong, emotionally connected relationship, regardless of the physical distance.

Planning for the Future

In a relationship where one partner is a PhD student and the couple is managing long distance, planning for the future becomes a crucial aspect.

It’s about aligning academic goals with relationship milestones and moving forward together.

• Adjustable Timelines: Be prepared for changes in graduation dates or research timelines.
• Joint Planning: Discuss how these changes might impact your relationship plans.
• Long-Term Planning: Discuss living together, marriage, or other significant steps and how they fit with academic commitments.
• Career Aspirations: Understand each other’s career ambitions and how they fit into your shared future.
• Lifestyle Choices: Discuss where you want to live, lifestyle preferences, and other key decisions.
• Short-Term Goals: Plan visits, vacations, or other immediate plans.
• Long-Term Goals: Consider where you see yourselves in five, ten, or more years.
• Encouragement and Motivation: Boost each other’s morale, especially during academic or professional setbacks.
• Empathy: Show compassion for the demands of academic life.

Future Planning Strategies

In essence, planning for the future in a long-distance relationship with a PhD student involves a harmonious blend of understanding, open communication, and mutual support.

By navigating these aspects together, couples can build a strong foundation for a shared future, filled with both academic and relationship successes.

Making the Most of Physical Reunions

When you’re dating a PhD student long distance, the moments you spend together in person are precious. These reunions are a chance to strengthen your bond and create lasting memories.

• Shared Interests: Whether it’s hiking, visiting museums, or cooking together, engaging in shared hobbies can be deeply fulfilling.
• Relaxation Time: Don’t overschedule. Ensure you have downtime to simply enjoy each other’s company.
• Surprise Elements: Small surprises or thoughtful gestures can make your time together even more special.
• Flexible Scheduling: Be prepared to adjust plans if necessary due to their academic workload.
• Supportive Environment: Create a space where both of you can work if needed, turning it into a shared experience.
• Meaningful Interactions: Even short periods spent together can be deeply meaningful if spent mindfully.
• Adventure and Exploration: Whether it’s a local adventure or exploring a new city, these experiences can invigorate your relationship.
• Growth and Development: Talk about how you’ve both grown and how your relationship has evolved.

Reunion Strategies

In summary, making the most of physical reunions in a long-distance relationship with a PhD student involves careful planning, a balance of fun and responsibility, and a focus on creating special, memorable moments.

These reunions are not just about being together but about nurturing and celebrating your unique connection.

Embarking on a relationship with a PhD student long distance is a unique journey that intertwines challenges with opportunities for growth.

It’s about more than just enduring the distance, it’s about thriving within it.

This journey demands resilience, adaptability, and a deep commitment to nurturing your bond.

By embracing effective communication, understanding the complexities of academic life, and creatively making the most of your time together, you can build a future that’s rich in love and mutual support, even when miles apart .

• How can I keep the connection strong in a long-distance relationship? Regular communication, engaging in creative virtual dates, and sharing the small and significant moments of your daily life are essential to maintaining a strong and vibrant connection.
• What are some challenges of dating a PhD student long distance? You may face challenges such as balancing the demanding academic commitments of a PhD student with the needs of your relationship, managing differences in time zones, and sustaining emotional intimacy over distance.
• How can we plan for the future in a long-distance relationship? Openly discussing your future plans and goals, aligning your relationship milestones with academic timelines, and offering mutual support for each other’s aspirations are crucial steps in planning your future together.
• What are effective ways to manage visits in a long-distance relationship? To make the most of your visits, plan enjoyable activities together, respect each other’s commitments, and focus on creating special, memorable moments.
• How can we handle the uncertainty in a PhD student’s schedule? Flexibility and understanding are vital. Be prepared for shifts in schedules and have open discussions about how these changes might impact your relationship, adapting your plans as needed.

In summary, while dating a PhD student long distance presents its unique set of challenges, it also offers a chance to build a deeply meaningful and resilient relationship.

Through open communication, empathy, and a willingness to adapt, you can create a strong foundation for a lasting partnership.

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How To Master Dating in Grad School in 2024

If you’re dating in grad school, you’re probably already aware that it’s a hassle. From demanding hours, the pressure to succeed academically, and the all-encompassing nature of graduate-level courses, it’s not uncommon to lose out on your social life at the expense of your future career. 

However, if you’ve managed to find someone who is going through grad school, you can enjoy a number of benefits that make dating in grad school a huge plus. But then again, what are the challenges you should prepare for?

Let’s take a look at what you need to know about dating in grad school, including the pros and cons to help you decide if this arrangement is right for you and your partner. 

What You Need to Know About Dating in Grad School

To start, dating in grad school can be similar to dating anyone any other time in your life - but with extra challenges. On top of the normal relationship dynamics, grad school changes how you interact within the relationship greatly. 

Nearly every relationship in grad school requires constant communication and planning to accommodate each other’s schedules and needs. In short, dating a graduate student or someone studying for higher-level degrees takes a bit of work to succeed. 

The following are some things you should keep in mind when dating in graduate school. 

The challenge of creating a balance

First, focusing on creating a balance between school and your social life is essential. It’s very easy to lose sight of your obligations to your partner while also juggling papers, research, and dissertations. This is compounded when two people are in the picture, creating time restraints and scheduling conflicts. While one partner may be hunkering down to study, the other may want to blow off some steam. 

Prioritizing difficulties

Second, understanding what takes priority isn’t always clear. Sacrifices often occur, where you may settle for a lackluster paper in lieu of giving your girlfriend the comfort and reassurance she needs. Both of you may put a priority on education or simply have a relationship of convenience, but this may ultimately lead to both your academic career and relationship suffering. 

The stress of higher degrees

Third, stress is always present when dating a graduate student. Deadlines are always looming and it’s easy for one another to lash out with misdirected anger when stress levels remain high. A bad grade or financial difficulties ramp up an already difficult situation - and even more so if either of you has to work to put food on the table. 

The nature of their education

If you and your girlfriend are in the same discipline, it’s certainly easier to stay connected between classes and have some overlap of downtime. However, this changes if one person is studying music while the other is working in anthropology, for example, finding common time and common ground can be more difficult to achieve. 

Additionally, fieldwork can be a daunting challenge for many couples, creating long-distance relationships that are even more difficult to manage. The time spent away from one another may erode relationships and demand more time to stay connected.

Making the most of the weekend

While graduate school is known for its early mornings and late nights, the weekends are usually reserved for rest and relaxation with loved ones. As a couple, you’ll be spending more time making up for lost time. Whether this includes seeing friends, watching movies , or taking a trip somewhere, the weekends give you and your girlfriend a chance to reconnect socially with the outside world. 

That being said, some disciplines are so difficult that they encompass weekends, too. This can strain a relationship and create an imbalance that may threaten the relationship. After all, if you’re this busy in graduate school, what will your relationship look like when you’re both employed full-time?

The Apps Dating Coaches Recommend if You Want to Date in Grad School

Meeting new people in grad school isn't as easy as meeting them when you're in college. With the huge range of different people and lifestyles, you may not find someone who's compatible with you on campus. This is why you should try at least a few dating apps that will match you up with someone whose lifestyle (and schedule!) align with yours. Here are some of the dating apps experts recommend if you're single in grad school:

Always make a schedule

Having a transparent schedule is key when dating in graduate school. This ensures that there are no misunderstandings about what one partner is up to. It can also help the other plan to accommodate their needs. Even just knowing when the other is expected to come home can provide reassurance and make a better life, especially if you both live in the same house/apartment. 

A schedule also creates a way of sharing all responsibilities of the relationship so that the other doesn’t feel neglected. For example, one partner can cook dinner or draw a bath while the other relaxes after an intense day of work. Then, when the other partner has free time, he or she can reciprocate around a schedule to create a more harmonious relationship. 

Pros and Cons of Dating a Graduate Student

Now that we’ve covered what you should be aware of when dating in graduate school, it’s important to weigh the pros and cons of dating a grad student - whether you're currently a grad student yourself or not.

Pro: You have a support system

Having a partner in your corner during arguably the most work-intensive period of one’s life makes getting through grad school easier. By helping one another through mundane tasks (e.g. laundry, preparing meals, etc.) or more important tasks (e.g. reviewing each other’s work, talking through research issues, etc.), you work synergistically towards common goals.

There’s also the added advantage of understanding what one another is going through. Because one or both of the partners are going through similar struggles, having someone in for the long haul eases the burden and provides reassurance that others cannot.

Pro: Balance

There’s an all-consuming aspect of graduate work that throws off students from understanding life outside their academic goals. However, a relationship helps ground each partner’s life, creating a balance to your life other than constant studying and writing papers. This ultimately creates greater success by ensuring that each partner doesn’t have a myopic and detrimental focus on just school.

Pro: Motivation to succeed

Graduate school takes a number of years of high-intensity work. There are essentially no days off and the grind erodes why you started in the first place (even if it's a field that you love).

That’s where having a partner to provide motivation helps. Here are a few ways that dating in graduate school gives you more motivation to succeed:

• If you’re in a committed relationship, you know that your coursework is building a better future for you both. This helps give you an extra impetus to hit the books harder, work more efficiently, and look to a happier future
• Having another trusted person to give you an extra set of eyes on your work helps you get ahead with fewer bumps along the road and recognizes problems before they become serious issues in our studies. 
• There will be times in graduate school that can feel overwhelming, so having somebody who cares enough about you to keep tabs on how hard or stressed out you seem .  

Pro: Someone who understands what you’re going through

Unless they’ve been through it before, graduate school is its own world that most people can’t relate to. Having somebody to talk through problems and relate to issues - such as an overbearing professor - is a big plus. 

Unfortunately, there are also plenty of downsides that come with dating a graduate student. Let’s take at some of the most common cons that come with dating a graduate student:

Con: Stress

Just as it’s great to have a girlfriend as a support system, there can be a compounding of stress if both of you are under pressure. It can be difficult to escape from the demands of study when your partner is cramming for a test or fine-tuning a dissertation that’s due in a few weeks.

Con: Lack of time

Free time is always in short supply when either of you is going to graduate school. The never-ending deadlines and tests take up most of your time, only leaving a few hours per day to live as a couple. 

It’s not uncommon for a relationship to deteriorate as free time becomes scarce, often leaving one partner feeling that their emotional needs are left unaddressed. This type of neglect can erode relationships fast, as important dates like birthdays are shelved for another day when academic success swallows what time you would have to enjoy one another’s company.

And when burnout starts to occur, it’s unfortunate that your partner often gets neglected in favor of unwinding after a long day or day of constant school work.

Con: Resentment

Quantifying who does what and who makes themselves available in equal measure is difficult. But because of this difficulty, it’s common for relationships in graduate school to develop resentments over time. 

If left unaddressed simply because you’re too busy to notice, this resentment causes more conflict and anger, creating doubt in the relationship that could be fatal to its longevity. Every missed date or excuse to stay in for the night builds up over time and may lead to fights, exacerbating already-difficult circumstances. 

Also, if you’re dating a graduate student and you’re not currently in school, it can lead to resentment in the relationship. She may not feel that you truly understand the nature of coursework. That’s why it’s extremely important to make sure both partners are willing and able to be flexible about each other’s schedules so that neither person feels as if they are the one doing more work than the other.

Con: Financial stress

Graduate students are notoriously broke while they’re pursuing a degree. Being strapped for cash puts a damper on your dating life, where you both may not be able to participate in activities to feel “normal” outside of academic life. And if one or both of you are struggling financially, the stress from limited finances often affects relationships negatively.

There may come times when either one of you needs to rely on financial support from one another (e.g. rent, food, bills, study supplies/materials), which is fine for long-term relationships; however, short-term arrangements may make either partner back out for fear that they’re losing money over time. 

If you’ve moved in together as a pragmatic financial option, it’s important for each other to pull their weight financially. This can be another burden on top of a graduate student’s to-do list. There’s also the impending issue of paying off student loans after graduating. Being stuck with a partner that has dismal prospects of recouping their cash may mean couples rethinking their future together. 

Con: Housing issues

Grad school is expensive. And while living together is a money-saver, both of your situations should be stable enough to support the other. If one person is consistently late on their portion of the rent and bills, it may fracture a relationship sooner than later. 

Another factor of living together for financial reasons is that it also puts extra stress on the relationship, as you will be occupying the same space and be together a lot. 

Con: Better options?

A woman in graduate school is surrounded by those in her field and may find a more compatible match after spending more time researching, socializing, and being in the presence of people who are “going places”. If you don’t measure up or are pursuing an entirely different field, you may start to grow apart . 

With all this in mind, you can determine whether dating in grad school is right for you. It comes with a multitude of benefits, but it can also be challenging to maintain a relationship during this time.

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Dating Someone in Grad School: Pros, Cons, and Advice

Grad school is demanding, the hours are long and it can be hard to find time for a social life. But if you’re lucky enough to have found someone who understands what graduate school means, that’s great!

It’s important though to keep in mind that being in grad school doesn’t have to change your relationship with your partner. It might just take a bit of work. If you’re going to be in a long-distance relationship, remember that you need to put in effort to make time for each other around your busy schedules.

If they have an issue or need help you need to take time aside from school work and give them attention too! It’s a tough balance but if you make it work, not only will your relationship be better off for it, grad school will feel less lonely too.

Dating in Grad School Overview

Dating someone in grad school can be similar to dating anyone else. There are pros and cons of being with a partner who is going through the same situation as you, but there’s also nothing that makes it fundamentally different from any other relationship.

It can be hard to find the balance between school and your social life, but you mustn’t let grad school get in the way of taking time for yourself or spending quality time with your partner.

Dating someone who is in grad school or understands graduate school can be great if they’re supportive and understanding. They are usually very invested in their studies as well which makes them more likely to understand how much work means to you.

But at the same time make sure not to lose sight of what is going on around you when dating a fellow teen student because though there may be some similarities between your experiences, there will also always still be differences.

Cons of Dating in Grad School

Dating a fellow student means you’ll be going through the same things at once, which can sometimes lead to stress and anxiety if your schedules don’t match up. It’s important that each of you make time for yourselves and your studies as individuals.

That way when it does come to spending time together, both of you are happy and relaxed. Don’t forget about yourself or your partner because if something is wrong in one place then eventually it will bleed into other parts of life as well.

To add to this, remember that you can’t control everything in your life so sometimes it’s important to just let things go.

Dating someone else who is also going through grad school means there will be times when both of you are stressed out and under pressure, but this doesn’t mean that school should become the center point around which all other aspects of life revolve.

Lack of Time

It can be hard to find time for a social life when you’re in grad school. You’ll have deadlines and tests that take up all your time. But it’s important not to neglect the people who are closest to you during this period either. Make sure you make enough time for yourself so that your mental health doesn’t suffer.

This can be as simple as going out for drinks with friends, having a weekly movie night, or planning date nights. Make sure you don’t overwork yourself during this time because the worst thing you can do is burn out.

Not to mention, you must take time to focus on your relationship as well. If you overwork yourself and your partner doesn’t, it can lead to resentment in the relationship. You’ll both be busy but that shouldn’t mean sacrificing time for each other when you’re together.

Grad school can be expensive. While living together can be a money-saver, both of your situations must be stable enough to support the other. It can also put extra stresses on the relationship as you will be together a lot. Make sure not to put too much pressure on either person and divide things like housework etc equally between each partner.

If you understand this, then it will be a lot easier to make time for both work and play. To add to this, you mustn’t stress your partner out by asking for money or other support if they need it.

Not only will this cause more problems, but it makes the relationship feel unbalanced and unequal which is not what you want in a long-term partnership.

You could start to resent your partner if they leave you hanging for a date, lump you with the chores if you live together, or get on each other’s nerves due to stress.

Especially if it continues over a long period. Make sure both partners are willing and able to be flexible about each other’s schedules so that neither person feels like they’re always doing more work than the other.

It’s also important not to let little things like this build up over time because it can cause resentment in the relationship.

Every type of romantic partnership comes with its own set of pros and cons. It just so happens that dating someone else who is also going through grad school will automatically come along with other challenges which you’ll need to be able to deal with as well.

Financial Stress

If one or both of you is struggling financially then it might not be ideal for either party at this point in their life since financial problems cause stress which can affect relationships negatively.

Before entering into anything serious make sure that both parties have enough money saved up to support themselves independently before combining finances.

It’s also important to remember that sometimes having separate bank accounts works well too! Just because you live together doesn’t mean you need to have a shared bank account. This is something that should be discussed before moving in together.

Pros of Dating in Grad School

Support system.

Having a partner who is going through the same things as you can be great because they understand what it means to work hard and prioritize school. It’s important to remember that the support should go both ways.

If something happens related to school stresses or exams, you will have someone who truly understands to calm you down and reassure you. Communication is crucial. Have date nights where both partners get a chance to talk about different things too and forget about school for a bit!

A good way to establish a fair division of labor is by making up a schedule for yourself each week. Plus, you both must recognize that sometimes things don’t go your way and are okay with letting them go.

Grad school can be a lot of work and it’s important to remember that life goes on around you. Try not to let grad school take over your whole life because there will always still be things going on other than just studying and writing papers- friends, family, hobbies, etc.

If something is wrong at home or in one area of your personal lives then eventually it will bleed into other parts as well. Therefore make sure you don’t neglect those closest to you.

It may sound like common sense but sometimes we forget about the people who care for us as individuals too, especially if responsibilities seem very focused on graduate studies as opposed to our relationships.

Moreover, it’s important not to feel guilty about being in grad school. If you’re doing what you love, then that is all that matters.

Graduate school is a huge deal in terms of your career. If you have someone supporting and motivating you from the beginning it’s going to be even easier for both parties. Other people can see things that we don’t always notice about ourselves. Having an extra set of eyes on our work could help us get ahead with fewer bumps along the road.

It can also give more perspective when challenges come up. This is because being able to talk through problems with someone who knows what they’re talking about is invaluable.

Plus, there are times where it just feels good knowing that somebody cares enough about you to keep tabs on how hard or stressed out you seem. We all need encouragement sometimes!

Having somebody to do fun things with

It’s also a huge plus so if you can find someone with common interests then that’s even better. For example, if you both love hockey then make sure to plan a weekend getaway where you can watch your favorite team play!

If one or both of the partners are going through similar struggles, this can be great because it’s easier for them to understand what their partner is going through.

However, it’s important not to let grad school take over everything in life. There will always still be things going on other than just studying and writing papers- friends, family, hobbies, etc.

In addition, do whatever makes you happy which means doing whatever job fulfills each individual personally. If something goes wrong at home or with another area of your personal lives then you’ll have friends to chat with!

Someone who understands what you’re going through

If you have somebody to talk through problems with then that is a big plus. Not only can they see things about your work that you might not notice, but this also gives them more perspective when challenges come up because talking it out with someone who knows what’s going on in the field will help advance things much faster.

Sometimes we all need encouragement and having an extra set of eyes watching over us and giving us feedback could make grad school less bumpy.

Everything becomes easier if you’re doing something that makes both partners happy since everybody needs support from time to time! However, don’t let graduate studies take over life – remember there are other parts too like friends, family hobbies, etc.

Advice For Dating in Grad School

Make the most of your weekends.

Graduate school is known for its early mornings and late nights but it’s important to make time for yourself too. That could mean seeing friends, watching movies, or taking a trip somewhere. Try not to neglect your social life in favor of work because grad school can be stressful enough.

Make sure both partners understand what they’re getting into when dating someone going through graduate studies. There will always still be other aspects of their lives outside of just homework and papers so don’t expect them around 24/hrs a day!

Go to free events on campus

It’s hard to meet people outside of grad school because most everyone around you is also studying. However, there are always free events on campus that might give you a good opportunity for socializing.

These might be movie nights, lectures, or even just coffee shop discussions. Events can help break up the monotony surrounding your everyday life and potentially lead to some new friendships.

It may sound like common sense but sometimes we forget about those closest to us. Especially if responsibilities seem very focused towards graduate studies as opposed to our relationships.

Have a transparent schedule

Having a very transparent schedule is also important for both parties because grad school can be unpredictable sometimes. This way, there are no misunderstandings about why one partner might have to cancel at the last minute or what time they’ll get home.

Make sure you both share all responsibilities equally so that the other doesn’t feel neglected. This might mean having date nights where equal attention is given to each! A good way to establish a fair division of labor is by making up a schedule for each week.

It’s hard to meet people outside of grad school but free events on campus are always an option!

Dating someone in grad school can be tricky. But if both partners are transparent about their schedules, maintain close relationships with others, and make time for themselves, it’s possible!

Establish fair divisions of labor with an agreed-upon schedule for each week and don’t forget who you are as individuals beyond your responsibilities within graduate studies.

Make the most of your weekends, go to free events on campus (if they exist), have a transparent schedule that both partners agree upon. AND remember that dating in grad school doesn’t mean constant togetherness so stay positive. Good luck dating someone going through grad school!

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Experimenting with love

Attempting to date as a PhD student in Biology

April 29, 2021 | Kate K.

As far as bad dates went, this one was catastrophic. My date (we’ll call him “Brad”) was drunk, not just on his own ego, but also quite literally drunk. Though really, this was not my fault, as he had decided to come that way. As the waitress cleared our table, he swiveled around to look at me, single eyebrow raised, “What do you say, we keep this going? I ordered an Uber to this little bar I know, it’s really exclusive… not a lot of people get to go there…” *insert wink*. 

The ‘exclusive bar’ was 100% his apartment. I cringed internally, absolutely perplexed at how he thought this had been a good date or that there was any chance I was getting in that Uber with him. 

I stood up, mustering a smile, “I am so sorry, thank you so much for dinner, but I actually have to get going”. 

He stood up and reached over to brush my hair out of my face, “No, come on, it’s only 9PM you don’t have to go, you’re just saying that…I already have the Uber coming”. 

I batted his hand away. “Actually I do have to go, I left the centrifuge running in lab and it’s a REALLY important experiment”.      

Shocked, he staggered backwards. “Wait, you are seriously going back to lab right now?”      

I shrugged, “Yeah I know it sucks, but my team is counting on me. It’s really important”. Moments earlier, unbeknownst to Brad, I had furtively sent an SOS text to my lab group chat and, right on cue, my phone rang – “The CENTRIFUGE IS RUNNING we need you to come NOW!” my lab mate dramatically screamed into the phone.      

“Okay, I’m on my way, I’ll be there soon,” I said confidently and hung up. My date conceded and I left. Needless to say, there was not a second date. I politely told him I “didn’t feel a connection” and he politely responded with some unsolicited dating advice that in the future I should “be careful” because guys “don’t like girls who are too busy with work”. 

Being a graduate student in Biology has been both a blessing and a curse – while the “running centrifuge” is at times fictional, a lot of the time it is the sad reality. I like to be private with my dating life, so I try to keep it outside my professional circles. Unfortunately, as an MD-PhD student that means I shy away from anyone involved in medicine, healthcare, or science which at times has seemed like the entire eligible dating population of Cambridge and Boston. The silver lining to this is that most people I date have no clue what a centrifuge is and have never set foot in a lab. However, while it may rescue me from the occasional bad date, being a Biology graduate student dating from the pool of non-scientists can be problematic.

Things in lab don’t always go smoothly, experiments don’t always go as planned, and sometimes you spill a liter of cell media on yourself in tissue culture and your boyfriend is stuck waiting parked outside the lab for 45 minutes. The biological systems you work with dictate your schedule – some cell lines need to be split every day and some mouse cancer models progress rapidly and randomly, leaving you dissecting tissue samples or wasting away in the flow cytometry core at odd hours of the night. 

In many of my romantic endeavors, lab has been a point of contention, a catalyst for arguments, or simply an annoyance to my significant other who cannot understand why I am “always there” or why I cannot just randomly pick up and leave for a weekend trip. A     t my graveyard of failed relationships the epitaph “my career” has been an omnipresent theme. I have wanted to be a doctor since I was old enough to speak and a physician-scientist from the second I discovered it was an option. I am passionate about what I do and I know in my heart that being an MD-PhD in training is exactly where I am supposed to be. Despite my passion for my work, I have always carved out dedicated time for those whom      I love – family, friends, and even romantic interests. Thankfully, my family and friends are exceptionally supportive and have not only accepted but have embraced my lifestyle. Whenever my Dad visits, he insists on driving me to lab and escorting me around the building even if it’s in the middle of the night. He has read and edited every proposal I have ever written, helped me talk out ideas and theories, and even excitedly come in to attend lab group meetings when he is in town. It’s not just my Dad though – both of my little brothers and my mother have also spent time in lab with me. My friends are no different either – most, if not all, have been to lab with me – either virtually on Facetime or in person to hang out, eat pizza, or even come to lab meetings. 

Despite my network of support, over time past relationships, dates gone wrong, and unsolicited “Brad” advice convinced part of me that I would inevitably end up alone – that my career dreams were somehow incompatible with love. For a while I bitterly believed and accepted this as my fate. However, eventually it dawned on me that this was completely at odds with the other relationships in my life. My family and friends embraced me, supported me, and cheered me on in my pursuits. If they did, why couldn’t I find a partner that did? I knew I would probably have to kiss a lot of frogs to find my scientific prince charming, but this realization gave me newfound hope in the dating search and I was determined not to settle. 

I have never viewed science as a career – it is a vocation, a lifestyle. It bleeds into all facets of your life and the lives of your loved ones. I have begun to realize that if they truly care about you, they will come to learn the background noises of the flow cytometry core, the hum of a sterile hood, the sound of an ethanol bottle being sprayed, or the crinkle of plates being opened. They will wait for you in the car when things go wrong at the last minute and let you make it up to them with Chipotle. They will affectionately tease you about your mice and weird hours but ultimately accept you as you are. They will love you because of your passion, not despite it. And, even in the middle of the night, they will offer to come to lab with you just to keep you company. And, to your surprise, they will continue to do this even after months of dating. They will be engaged not necessarily because they like science, but because they know it is important to you. They will stay awake, bleary-eyed on Facetime with you while you prep mice for surgery because the “mouse house” is creepy at night and you’re scared of being axe-murdered. They will celebrate your success with you and be there to hug you tight when you fail. And in the midst of all of this, one night, you will glance over at them napping at your desk while you finish up experiments, and you will smile to yourself realizing that there was always hope for love and that prince charming does exist, even for a Biology graduate student.

Pre-COVID-19 pandemic: Pictured here is our newer lab centrifuge which has a timer and stops by itself, unlike our older model . Masks were actually in fashion before the pandemic for me – the stylish mask pictured in the image was to prevent mouse allergies (sadly it did not work).

Pre-COVID-19 pandemic: The Hemann lab out for drinks at Miracle of Science.

Pre-COVID-19 pandemic: Hemann lab and friends!

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Four tips for dating during your PhD

The risk-taking and coping with rejection needed to find love are very similar to the skills that phds will also find useful in their job hunt, says alfredo cumerma.

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The peculiar life situation of PhD candidates may not seem to lend itself to successful dating. On average, we are 33 years old at graduation and earning $9,000 (almost £7,000) less than the average for our age bracket . We probably don’t own a home, and we possibly don’t own a car. In reality, we have more in common with undergraduates than with professionals in the “real world,” but we are too old for the former. What suitor would take us seriously?

The risks that we take in finding love can, believe it or not, be good practice for our future careers as we discover that a tenure-track position is unfeasible or we are forced out of our comfort zones at key network opportunities. So, here are four tips for making your search for love more creative during your PhD.

1. Tap the cafes

One of the first things I tell my students about learning Spanish is that it requires a complete abandonment of social inhibition – being unafraid of making mistakes, and, in fact, actively looking to make them so you can learn.

As clichéd as the image of the coffeehouse intellectual may be, we PhDs are, in essence, paid to read. So the next time you’re deep into Slavoj Žižek, take a moment to ask the person next to you what they are working on. Chances are that they, too, are seeking an escape from emails or spreadsheets – or worse, Friedrich Nietzsche. Aside from chatting for love, you tend to make new friends as well.

2. End library loneliness

This is my campaign slogan for running for a deanship.

You should know that 15 per cent of US couples meet in the workplace , second only to introductions through friends, at 39 per cent. The rest of the list includes bars, religious functions and sports clubs. Dating apps are at the bottom.

Furthermore, according to a Vault romance survey , 29 per cent of couples who meet in the workplace end up in serious long-term relationships, with two-thirds of respondents adding that they would repeat the experience if the opportunity arose. These results have been confirmed in the UK and in France , too.

Libraries are the workspaces of academics, so don’t be shy the next time you’re checking out a book or speaking to the librarian. Sit among other students in the posh study lounges. That’s what they’re there for.

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3. The Professional

Here I don’t mean the 1994 flick about a hitman who teaches a 12-year-old girl his trade. I mean professional conferences.

One of the advantages of “looking” while at conferences is that your efforts can have a double effect. On the one hand, they could pay off romantically. On the other, they are good practice for networking. Many studies have established that charm and physical appearance in job interviews have a strong influence on hiring managers.

In addition, reports show that couples who meet in workplace settings are more likely to marry than those who meet through friends. Especially at conferences on the “alt-ac” or “post-ac” tracks, where the politics of the professoriate are less acute, it can be easy to strike up conversations. The French psychologist Loïck Roche finds that because the workplace is a challenging environment where colleagues share emotional triumphs and defeats, it is favourable for developing close relationships.

Start passing out those business cards.

4. Meetup.com

This is not a formal dating site, but it is a great place for PhDs to make connections with potential partners outside academia. There is a plethora of themed groups on this site – from hiking groups to cigar clubs – that you can filter by interest. This means that the people you meet are likely to enjoy the same activities as you, along with lessened expectations of any romantic advance. This is a definitive asset because that PhD you will eventually hold will appeal to only a small portion of potential partners, according to the dating service Coffee Meets Bagel .

Ultimately, love during the PhD is about people skills. The same skills that you will need when that tenure-track job stands you up. It takes practice in awkward situations, creativity and patience. The failures you will face while finding that significant other will prepare you for the many rejections to come by employers. And eventually, like most things in life, you’ll score a hit.

Alfredo Cumerma is a Gilman research fellow at Johns Hopkins University , where he teaches Spanish language and conducts research on Latin American culture and US foreign policy.

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Negotiating the Dating Scene in Grad School

By  GradHacker

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Valentine’s Day is fast-approaching, and for many singletons out there, just passing by the grocery store’s “seasonal” aisle can be an unpleasant reminder of one’s relationship status. Of course, being single, even during Valentine’s Day, can be a liberating experience and also a time of personal growth and discovery.

But what if you’re single and you’d like to start dating? What if you  also  are in graduate school? As we’ve discovered,  dating while you’re a graduate student poses its own challenges . Here is some advice from Amy (who is happily taken) and Katy (who is currently negotiating the dating scene).

Meeting people is perhaps the biggest obstacle grads face who are on the dating scene . Think about it: We go to class with the same—and likely small—cohort of people semester after semester, year after year. The same is true for grads conducting research in say, a lab. Conversely, graduate school can be an isolating experience. For instance, those who are in the dissertation stage often work alone a majority of the time. Teaching duties further take away the time and social contact needed to meet someone who is an eligible, compatible date.  How, then, do you meet someone?

• Ask around.  You might feel uncomfortable asking a friend to play match-maker; however, if friends know of your dating status (actively looking), they might be able to connect you with one of their single friends in the future, by say, inviting him or her to a social gathering where you both will be present.
• Join a campus organization or volunteer in the community.  If you’re new to your program, your social network might be developing, so opportunities for social engagements might be limited. Meet other grads by helping to plan a graduate student conference or by participating in activities sponsored by your school’s graduate student government. Volunteering for community organizations, like a local animal shelter or food back, can allow you to meet people outside of school who share similar interests—and you’ll also be supporting a great cause!
• Pursue a hobby, but also be strategic.  If you’re not a joiner type, you can meet people by pursuing a hobby that has a social element to it, such as renting a plot at the local community garden. In other words, if you’re dying to learn how to knit socks, that’s great. But, think about whether that activity will help you meet potential dates. (It could – the answer will be different for everyone.)
• Go online.   There is no shame in online dating. We repeat: there is no shame in online dating. Sites like OKCupid and Match aren’t just for the socially awkward; they’re tailor-made for those who are busy because they help to streamline the search process. Two words of advice: 1. Be honest with your profile: don’t overestimate or use photos from 2004. You want to meet someone who likes the real you, and 2. Always start out with a coffee date so you can meet the person without the pressure that a dinner date entails and without the perception altering effects of alcohol.

Perhaps the second biggest challenge graduate students face on the dating scene is finding the time to date. We have extremely busy schedules, and it can be hard to make time to meet new people when you barely have time to hang out with your old friends.

• Make dating a priority : Try picking one night where you will try something new, or finally say yes to that online date. Some people get lucky and meet their soul mate while grocery shopping, but most of us have to make time to try new activities to meet people or go to different social engagements. You will always have work to do, so it’s okay to put down the books and check out the bar.
• Be honest about your schedule : Let’s say you go on that first date, they ask for a second and you tell them your schedule is super busy right now. In most cases this is going to be read as you trying to avoid telling them that you don’t want to go on a second date. This is especially true about dating non-grad students. Be totally upfront about your schedule and grad student lifestyle. If they really like you they will understand and wait, and if they don’t they aren’t worth being upset about.
• Make dating fun : Sometimes it’s hard to make dating a priority, so add it into other things you’ve wanted to do. I try to make dates for coffee shops that I haven’t ever been to, or grab lunch at a new restaurant that I’ve wanted to try out. Then even if the dating wasn’t great you still got to try out a new restaurant!

Above all, take a chance! Say hi to the cute guy you see in the coffee shop studying every Sunday, or try out a speed dating event. Honestly, the worst thing that can happen is that you have an awesome dating horror story (trust us on this one). The best thing that can happen? You gain the confidence that comes with practice, which only can help you the next time around.

We’re curious to hear how other graduate students navigate the dating scene, so share your advice (or horror stories, if you dare) in the comments section! 

[Image from Flickr user  Brandon Warren  and used under Creative Commons License]

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Points to consider when deciding whether to get married during a PhD

Marriage is a recurrent topic in the lives of most PhDs. The meagre pay and the burden of responsibility could make marriage in the middle of PhD look like a terrible idea. But on the positive side, marriage gives one an intimate companion in a long and bleak journey. The pay hurdle could also be overcome if the partner finds a job.

While eventually it is a personal decision for the couple based on their commitment and readiness, what are the points to remember when one thinks of getting married in the middle of a PhD?

• graduate-school
• work-life-balance

• 34 Can people explain the close votes either here, meta, or chat. I think the question can be answered in an objective manner and the discussion can be kept to a minimum. I think it is one of the most prominent social questions PhD students have. –  StrongBad Commented Apr 7, 2013 at 13:34
• 3 @DanielE.Shub Every close vote automatically comes with an explanation why. In this case, at this moment I and one other person (and hopefully soon three others) have voted that: "As it currently stands, this question is not a good fit for our Q&A format. We expect answers to be supported by facts, references, or specific expertise, but this question will likely solicit debate, arguments, polling, or extended discussion. If you feel that this question can be improved and possibly reopened, see the FAQ for guidance." I think that's pretty explicit. –  410 gone Commented Apr 7, 2013 at 14:48
• 3 Marriage? PhD? You will have hard times my friend –  seteropere Commented Apr 7, 2013 at 16:05
• 7 I think marriage is a highly personal issue and nobody can give a definitive answer to this question. –  user4511 Commented Apr 7, 2013 at 16:31
• 4 @Bravo: Then I think retitling it would be a very good idea! The current title says the question is about whether it's a bad idea. I can imagine it might be more acceptable to some people if it were called something like "Points to consider when deciding whether to get married during a PhD" or something like that. –  Tara B Commented Apr 8, 2013 at 13:21

7 Answers 7

If you've found the right person to marry in graduate school, what's the alternative? Getting married as a postdoc or tenure-track faculty member is also difficult, since you still have a lot of career pressure and uncertainty. It won't go over well to say "I love you, but let's wait until I have tenure to get married," since that's way too far in the future, and I don't see any real advantage to saying "let's wait until I'm a postdoc."

Before marrying a non-academic, it's important to make sure they understand some of the basic parameters of academia:

The job market is incredibly competitive. Harvard probably won't hire you even if everyone agrees you're really smart, and getting a job at a less prestigious university is not a form of career failure. Indeed, just the opposite is true: any career progress in academia is a success that should be celebrated.

There is a national, and even international, job market with universities in many locations, but that doesn't mean you can choose where you want to live. Instead, it means you need to apply everywhere and take what you can get. Unless you are really lucky, having an academic career may require living somewhere you do not consider desirable, and you won't even be able to predict in advance where that might be.

Having a successful research career requires a lot of work, but it's a little different from many demanding jobs because the work is mostly self-imposed. You need to do it, but nobody is specifying what, when, or how. This can lead to resentment since everything you spend time on seems like a choice, rather than an externally imposed requirement. So you need a partner who is not inclined towards jealousy over time commitments.

If these issues are not an obstacle, then it's reasonable to get married whenever seems appropriate.

• 7 "It won't go over well to say "I love you, but let's wait until I have tenure to get married," since that's way too far in the future, and I don't see any real advantage to saying "let's wait until I'm a postdoc."" Exactly right! Do industry workers wait until they are in a high position before getting married? –  BCLC Commented Aug 27, 2015 at 21:44
• 4 Anecdata: my father says he finished grad school faster because he was married and had children. He worked harder during the day because he didn't want to stay around working at night; he wanted to go home and see us! It also gave him a more long-term-oriented sense of pressure/drive: I can't goof around and take eight years for this degree! I have to graduate and get a job and take care of my family! Now he has two PhDs and seven kids. :) –  MissMonicaE Commented Nov 22, 2016 at 18:04

For the actual question ( “ what are the points to remember when one thinks of getting married in the middle of a PhD?” ):

• If you are a woman, and live in a country where you are expected to take the surname of your husband, make sure that doesn't interfere with other people's ability to keep track of your publications. (Some women I know, though they use their husband's name for daily life, use their maiden name for academic purposes. That or using both surnames.)

Honestly, that's about the only academia-specific or PhD-specific real advice I could think of. Everything else is just, well, the usual stuff:

• Planning a wedding can become really time consuming. Organize efficiently, or delegate, or simply choose to do something simple. (Elope?)
• The honeymoon may be tricky to arrange, especially if your spouse has high expectations (some people would expect the happy couple to take a 3-week vacation starting the day after the wedding, which might be hard to schedule).

And obvious reference:

For the rest of the question, the only thing I have to say is: oh man, you've got to get your priorities straight!

• 1 What do you mean exactly by the final comment? –  Tara B Commented Apr 7, 2013 at 13:26
• 5 About the honeymoon: How is this going to get any easier after the PhD? –  Tara B Commented Apr 7, 2013 at 13:28
• 2 @TaraB I recently married and aiming to do the honeymoon after finishing the PhD but before starting a post-doc. –  gerrit Commented Apr 7, 2013 at 15:11
• 3 @TaraB regarding priorities, I was reacting to “on the positive side, marriage gives one an intimate companion in a long and bleak journey” … I never heard someone thinking of getting married because that would help their thesis :) –  F'x Commented Apr 7, 2013 at 17:31
• 3 @gerrit: Yes, every situation is different. It seems that waiting a while for the honeymoon is not at all unusual, but I think it defeats what was originally the main purpose of the honeymoon. Often these days couples will have been living together for quite a while before getting married anyway, so then it's different of course, but since the OP is from India, I think there's a high chance his situation would be closer to mine. –  Tara B Commented Apr 7, 2013 at 18:19

Having gotten married more or less exactly in the middle of my PhD, I would say emphatically no, it is not a bad idea at all! (I expect you just meant 'during' by 'in the middle of' though. =] )

Regarding the 'meagre pay': at the time my PhD scholarship was about twice as much money as I had ever had in my life before, so I felt comparatively wealthy. We were not interested in having a lavish wedding anyway, but we did manage to afford a very nice wedding with 80 guests, paid for out of money saved from our PhD scholarships. Of course PhD students might not be similarly well-paid in many countries (we were in the UK).

As for the 'burden of responsibility', I'm not quite sure what you mean by this, so I'll ask a question in a comment and wait until you reply.

Points to consider:

You will potentially need to lower your expectations about what kind of wedding you can afford, but if the point is to achieve the state of being married , I don't think that's a big problem. You can always throw a big anniversary party at some point later when you have more money.

Potential name change (as mentioned by F'x): If a name change is going to be involved, it can be very convenient to have this happen before one has any publications, which is a lot more likely to be the case during the PhD than afterwards. (I did change my surname, and had no publications yet at that point, so there is no problem with using my new surname for academic purposes.)

Honeymoon: There's a lot more chance of getting enough time off for a proper honeymoon during a PhD than once you have a job, although this is going to depend completely on your supervisor, of course. [Added because of F'x thinking the honeymoon could be a problem: My supervisor allowed me a month after my wedding.]

Companionship, as you mentioned: This is obviously especially relevant if you are from a culture/religion where living together before marriage is not usual. Definitely having 'an intimate companion' during the PhD journey (not that mine was that long or bleak - but my husband's was more so) can be a huge help, and I don't see any reason for a couple to wait until after a PhD to get married if they are ready now.

I may add more later if I think of anything else. There is more I would say if I wasn't trying not to stray too far into 'discussion' or 'off-topic'ness.

• Thanks for the answer Tara. By 'burden of responsibility', I referred to the extra bit of responsibility which comes with marriage. For example, as a bachelor, you could choose to go hungry for a night. After marriage, it is not your decision alone and if you cannot go hungry, you need to spend time on cooking. There are additional things which could eat one's time after marriage - or I supposed so (I don't know for sure myself :P) –  Bravo Commented Apr 8, 2013 at 13:22
• 9 @Bravo: "There are additional things which could eat one's time after marriage..." you mean one of these? :-) –  Willie Wong Commented Apr 8, 2013 at 13:55
• 8 @Willie: Wow, after Bravo's discussion of hunger and cooking, I mis-parsed the quote as "There are additional things which one could eat" and it made your link rather... startling. –  Nate Eldredge Commented Apr 24, 2014 at 19:38
• I don't understand the part about companionship: Presuambly, when you ask whether you should marry you already have a companion, so what is the difference in comanionship then? –  user111388 Commented Apr 24, 2020 at 12:47

Love is nice and all, but you want to make sure your career decisions do not result in resentment for either you or your partner. There are two big issues with marriage/relationships that I think are unique to academics and especially relevant for PhD students since they are just starting down the academic road. It is critical that your partner (whether he/she is an academic or not) understands that as an academic we often chose to make substantially less money to take a high stress level, time-consuming job. Many people find that a difficult decision to understand and it can lead to stress/resentment. The second is that until tenure, academics often have a series of one or two year jobs with periods of unemployment in between and cross country/international moves. Rarely do we get to decide where we get to work.

• 12 "Academics often have a series of one or two year jobs with periods of unemployment in between and cross country/international moves." This is true, but it is also unfortunately true that most tenure-track jobs are in places with limited 30+ dating scenes. –  Anonymous Commented Apr 7, 2013 at 13:53
• 1 @Anonymous good point. I left out ALL the good points of getting married (academic specific or not). –  StrongBad Commented Apr 7, 2013 at 14:08

Marriage is only a momentary distraction of what one might presume to be a state of cohabitation both before and after. There may be some ancillary health coverage and/or tax benefits as a result. Other factors would dominate the decision.

A baby or babies on the other hand would likely either significantly slow down the completion of the Ph.D., or put a big strain on the relationship. That perhaps would make for a more interesting question.

Cohabitation could and should be a benefit while pursuing a Ph.D. with lower living costs and reduced time spent on mundane things through the sharing of chores (cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, etc.). But you don't need to be married for that. Of course, the significant other would need to be tolerant of the time not spent with them.

• 4 One might not reasonably presume, actually. –  Tara B Commented Apr 8, 2013 at 9:45
• 4 "A baby or babies on the other hand would likely either significantly slow down the completion of the Ph.D., or put a big strain on the relationship." - More than during a postdoc? Or when you're a fresh PI? I've already written elsewhere, I decided for a PhD baby exactly because I don't see that it gets easier later. And I certanly haven't experienced work or relationship problems from it. –  Ana Commented Apr 8, 2013 at 11:59
• @Ana: Agreed. The deciding factor isn't whether one is in a PhD or PostDoc or TT position. It is whether one expects to do one of those positions outside of the United States . –  Willie Wong Commented Apr 8, 2013 at 14:00
• @WillieWong - Ah, indeed. My contract got extended for the duration of maternity/parental leave and the dad got time off as well. –  Ana Commented Apr 8, 2013 at 14:11
• Like I said, the baby thing would make for an interesting question. I'm sure that there are a lot of opinions and varying experiences on that. –  Mark Adler Commented Apr 8, 2013 at 16:09

First of all, I do think, this is a boat question . Aren't those concerns about career and pay valid for all early-career knowledge workers (i.e., people in non-manual occupations)?

But to answer your question, as somebody who married in the middle of PhD, I think I have evidence, a sample set of size 1, which allows me to conclude that doing so is a good thing .

Many young people nowadays ask questions (as you do) What are the reasons to marry/have kids/etc. in my situation? When is a good time to start a family? There is never the right time and there almost never is a good reason to change your life in whichever way. You should ask differently. What are the reasons not to marry/start a family now? Why not to start family right now? Things will never be better than right now. You think that being a post-doc you will have more time and less stress in the career? Or when you will be assistant professor? Or associate? Or full? Yeah, you can wait till the time when the waters calm down. Good luck starting family when you are 80 (if you will be lucky).

Better ask your to be wife/husband, if he/she agrees with your thoughts?

No matter how well we justify, if your partner does not agree to a thought! no one on the earth make him/her agree to the same(with some exceptions).

Take his/her consent in detail with all possible conditions after marriage with PhD.

If he/she approves than follow the same as receive approval(I believe it will have some conditions)

Neither PhD is easy nor marriage, both requires good amount of efforts for success.

• 1 actually life in PHD and life after marriage is not easy :P –  Grijesh Chauhan Commented Apr 8, 2013 at 17:59

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