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The Importance of Self Love

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7 Ways to Practice Self-Love

Marko Geber / Getty Images

What Is Self-Love?

How to practice self-love.

Having self-love involves having an appreciation and respect for yourself. That includes taking care of your physical and mental health. Although most people are busy, it's important to take time to nourish yourself and treat yourself with the love and kindness you deserve.

Self-love is having regard for our own well-being and contentment according to the American Psychological Association.

While self-care proponents suggest taking baths and getting massages, loving yourself goes much deeper than splurging once in a while on pleasures like these.

Self-love should be a daily activity in which you check in with yourself and treat yourself the way we treat loved ones.

The Brain and Behavior Research Foundation says that self-love comes from actions that support physical, psychological, and spiritual growth.

What Self-Love Is Not

Some critics think self-love is a modern concept and is merely self-indulgence. They view self-love as excessively focusing on yourself and akin to narcissism . But self-love is not about having a grandiose sense of self or being puffed up with self-importance. Self-love means taking care of your needs and recognizing that you have value.

The Importance of Self-Love

Your first relationship is with yourself and it’s the foundation of relationships with others. Loving yourself enables you to live in alignment with your values and to make healthy choices in your everyday decisions.  Confidence , self-respect, self-worth, and self-love are all interconnected. As we deepen in love for ourselves, we can deepen the love we share with others.

Sometimes it’s hard to assert yourself and think about your own needs. While it might be considerate to practice self-love here and there, it's important to make it a daily practice .

Here’s how to incorporate self-love into your lifestyle.

Prioritize Your Well-Being and Mental Health 

Your physical and mental health are directly correlated and how you feel physically can influence how you feel mentally and emotionally. When you begin loving and caring for your body, you’re directly and positively influencing your mental health, too.  Eating and sleeping well  is important in maintaining well-being and warding off illness. That means choosing healthy foods and getting adequate sleep every night.

Exercising regularly has a positive impact on your overall health as exercise decreases cortisol, the stress hormone, in your body.

Remember to give yourself time to take care of and value yourself. Struggling with mental health issues might require visiting a therapist, choosing online therapy , or turning to an app .

Embrace Self-Compassion

When you acknowledge your mistakes and accept your imperfections with kindness and without judgment, you exhibit  self-compassion . Dr. Kristin Neff’s widely accepted definition of self-compassion has three components:

• Self-kindness : feeling kindness toward ourselves rather than judgment, criticism, or shame
• Common humanity : recognizing we are part of a common humanity as everyone makes mistakes rather than viewing ourselves as isolated beings unworthy of love and belonging
• Mindfulness : viewing mistakes mindfully by having a perspective and not over-identifying with our failings

In a pilot study on self-compassion, scientists empirically tested the use of a writing intervention to determine if these self-compassion components influenced each other. Findings showed that the three components do mutually enhance each other.

Don’t Compare Yourself to Other People

When we are jealous of our friend’s promotion or feel we are lacking because we gained ten pounds while our neighbor is in great shape, it’s hard not to feel down. Social comparisons can cause stress. Comparison and competition may motivate you in ways that are helpful and not harmful. More often than not, they diminish us by causing stress, anxiety, guilt, and shame.

Social media has affected our mental health in not-so-great ways. We judge ourselves more harshly on a regular basis and don't feel good enough.  High social media use has been linked to depression.

Set Boundaries

Drawing the line helps with stress management . Sometimes you have to say 'no' at work or to your family to preserve your energy. One-sided relationships have unequal distribution of energy, control, and thoughtfulness. Recognize your needs and carve out time to be thoughtful about yourself by setting boundaries.

Forgive Yourself

Cultivate ways to stop self-loathing in any form. Forgive yourself for your past mistakes and find ways to heal. To incorporate self-love in your daily life, don’t ruminate over mistakes and regrets. Rather than blame yourself for things that were probably out of your control anyway, turn to self-forgiveness.

A recent study finds that greater forgiveness is linked to less stress and a decrease in mental health symptoms.

Surround Yourself With Supportive, Loving people

Having social support is vital. You could reach out to receive your  family’s love  for you but if those relationships are strained or they’re not in the picture, invest in relationships with your friends and community and allow yourself to receive care and support from them.

Let go of toxic, draining, and one-way friendships. The goal is to fortify yourself with healthy interactions and people who believe in you, champion you, and support you in becoming more of who you are and want to be, not less.

If you think you’re in love  but aren’t sure, remember that healthy relationships involve intimacy and deep emotional connection. Invest your time, energy, and care into platonic and romantic relationships that support, energize, and restore you.

Change a Negative Mindset

Positive thinking  doesn’t mean ignoring problems. It means choosing to have a positive outlook as an approach to life that includes gratitude and many possibilities. Maybe it’s time to seek support to process your anger and  release resentment and grudges , for example.

Holding onto and fixating on anger and hatred towards others can be damaging to our mental and emotional well-being and it can be an act of self-love and care to address it at the root cause.

Say kind things to yourself.  Positive affirmations  can boost your self-esteem and reduce your social fears. Remind yourself that you’re a kind person doing your best. Changing your perspective and focusing on things that you are grateful for and appreciative of can be immensely uplifting and is another way to practice self-love.

APA Dictionary of Psychology. Self-love .

The Brain and Behavior Research Foundation. Self-love and what it means .

Rudolph DL, McAuley E. Cortisol and affective responses to exercise .  J Sports Sci . 1998;16(2):121-128. doi:10.1080/026404198366830

Self-Compassion: Dr. Kristin Neff. Definition of self-compassion .

Dreisoerner A, Junker NM, van Dick R. The relationship among the components of self-compassion: a pilot study using a compassionate writing intervention to enhance self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness . J Happiness Stud. 2021;22(1):21-47.

Toussaint LL, Shields GS, Slavich GM. Forgiveness, Stress, and Health: a 5-Week Dynamic Parallel Process Study .  Ann Behav Med . 2016;50(5):727-735. doi:10.1007/s12160-016-9796-6

By Barbara Field Barbara is a writer and speaker who is passionate about mental health, overall wellness, and women's issues.

What Is Self-Compassion and What Is Self-Love?

But is it really that vital? Can’t you get along just fine without all that mushy, touchy-feely self-love stuff?

As it turns out, you can get along just fine—but you will likely never thrive!

Read on to learn more about self-compassion, self-love, and the huge impact both of these concepts can have on our lives.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our three Self-Compassion Exercises for free . These detailed, science-based exercises will not only help you increase the compassion and kindness you show yourself, but also give you the tools to help your clients, students, or employees show more compassion to themselves.

This Article Contains:

What is the meaning of self-compassion and self-love (a definition).

• Self-Compassion According to Kristin Neff – A Leading Expert

Self-Compassion and Positive Psychology

• Self-Love & Psychology: Understanding Its Importance

Self-Love is the Best Love: 7 Quotes and Affirmations

• Examples of Healthy Self-Love and Self-Compassion
• How to Love Yourself: Acceptance Is Key
• Practicing Self-Compassion With Meditation

A Take-Home Message

Self-compassion and self-love are two related, but distinct, concepts.

Self-compassion is being “kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings” (Neff, n.d.). It means that you act the same way toward yourself when you are going through a tough time that you would act towards a dear friend: noticing the suffering, empathizing or “suffering with” yourself, and offering kindness and understanding.

On the other hand, self-love is “a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth” (Khoshaba, 2012). It is about valuing yourself as a human being who is worthy of love and respect.

Self-love is a more stable construct than self-compassion; while you can choose to be compassionate towards yourself in any moment, self-love is probably something that you will need to build up.

Self-compassion vs. self-esteem and confidence

If you’re wondering how self-compassion is different from other similar constructs like self-esteem , or self-confidence , wonder no more! Renowned expert and leading self-compassion researcher Dr. Kristin Neff explains how they differ.

“Although self-compassion may seem similar to self-esteem, they are different in many ways. Self-esteem refers to our sense of self-worth, perceived value, or how much we like ourselves… In contrast to self-esteem, self-compassion is not based on self-evaluations. People feel compassion for themselves because all human beings deserve compassion and understanding, not because they possess some particular set of traits.”

Regarding self-confidence, it is missing a key component that self-compassion includes:

“While self-confidence makes you feel better about your abilities, it can also lead you to vastly overestimate those abilities. Self-compassion, on the other hand, encourages you to acknowledge your flaws and limitations, allowing you to look at yourself from a more objective and realistic point of view.”

Self-love vs. narcissism

Although we can easily imagine self-love translating into narcissism if taken to the extreme, in reality, they are two vastly different concepts.

Self-love is about loving yourself without needing to make downward social comparisons, taking pride in your performance and your achievements, giving yourself the validation you need and recognizing that it’s okay to feel uncertain and doubt yourself now and then.

Narcissism is the opposite: Narcissists compare themselves to others to feel better, obsess over looking like the real deal instead of becoming it, crave constant validation from others, and see things in black and white (Well, 2017).

Self-love is an honest and authentic appreciation for the self , while narcissism is all about proving that you’re better than everyone else and making sure others see you as you want to be seen. Self-love is self-focused, while narcissism is other-focused.

Self-Compassion According to Kristin Neff – A Leading Expert

The Self-Compassion Scale (SCS) is made up of 26 items rated on a scale from 1 (almost never) to 5 (almost always). Respondents are instructed to rate the items based on how they typically act towards themselves during difficult times.

There are six components to the SCS:

• Self-kindness a. Example: “When I’m going through a very hard time, I give myself the caring and tenderness I need.”
• Self-judgment a. Example: “I’m intolerant and impatient towards those aspects of my personality I don’t like.”
• Common humanity a. Example: “When I feel inadequate in some way, I try to remind myself that feelings of inadequacy are shared by most people.”
• Isolation a. Example: “When I think about my inadequacies, it tends to make me feel more separate and cut off from the rest of the world.”
• Mindfulness a. Example item: “When I’m feeling down I try to approach my feelings with curiosity and openness.”
• Overidentification a. Example: “When I fail at something important to me I become consumed by feelings of inadequacy.”

To create a score for each subscale, simply add up all the items for self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness, but reverse-score the items for the other three subscales before adding them together to create a sub-score (i.e., 1 = 5, 2 = 4, 3 = 3, 4 = 2, 5 = 1). For an overall score, calculate the mean of all items. Higher scores represent higher self-compassion.

Dr. Neff allows free use of her scale to researchers or other interested parties. You can find the scale and the citation of the article in which it was originally developed here .

Self-Compassion Step by Step: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself – Audiobook

Kristin Neff is a brilliant and passionate researcher who has taught us a ton about self-compassion; she’s a great author and self-compassion trainer as well!

Her six-session training on boosting your self-compassion is called Self-Compassion Step by Step: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself , and you can find the audiobook here .

This course will help you build a foundation in self-acceptance , self-love, and self-compassion through guided meditations, experiential practices, and on-the-spot techniques.

Follow the path laid down by this book, and you will open yourself up to a transformative experience and give yourself the opportunity to lead a healthier life full of more love, joy, happiness, and fulfillment than ever before.

For even more from this self-compassion expert, check out these TED Talks from Kristin Neff.

The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff

The Components of Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff

Mindfulness and Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff

Research on the topic of self-compassion has discovered that there are three main components to self-compassion:

Self-kindness

Common humanity.

• Mindfulness (Neff & Dahm, 2015)

Self-kindness involves refraining from criticizing and castigating yourself for a mistake or a flaw and being understanding and supportive of yourself.

When we’re in pain, we can recognize the harm of self-judgment and treat ourselves warmly and patiently instead (Gilbert & Irons, 2005).

Self-kindness means recognizing our unconditional worth, even when we fall short of our own expectations (Barnard & Curry, 2011).

Our need to connect is part of what makes us human (Maslow, 1943). Having common humanity means recognizing the broader human experience, rather than seeing ourselves as isolated or separate from others (Neff, 2003).

Common humanity also means remembering that we’re not alone when we feel imperfect, hurt, or lonely; rather than withdrawing or isolating ourselves, when we focus on common humanity, we appreciate that others feel just like we do (Gilbert & Irons, 2005).

Mindfulness

Although mindfulness is mentioned in the three components of self-compassion, some researchers feel it should be at the forefront of self-compassion work, rather than one of its components.

Germer (2009) noticed that mindfulness is often the first step toward self-compassion and that mindfulness and self-compassion combined can take the benefits far beyond what simple mindfulness or self-compassion alone can bring.

World’s Largest Positive Psychology Resource

The Positive Psychology Toolkit© is a groundbreaking practitioner resource containing over 500 science-based exercises , activities, interventions, questionnaires, and assessments created by experts using the latest positive psychology research.

Updated monthly. 100% Science-based.

“The best positive psychology resource out there!” — Emiliya Zhivotovskaya , Flourishing Center CEO

Self-Love & Psychology – Understanding Its Importance

Beyond the fact that it simply feels good and makes us happier when we love and forgive ourselves, there are a host of other benefits that we bring about by loving ourselves.

Self-compassion and depression

Those with low self-compassion are at risk for greater avoidance of their problems, more rumination over their negative thoughts and feelings, and worse functioning (Krieger et al., 2013).

In addition, self-compassion can act as a buffer between us and self-judgment, isolation, and over-identification—common issues in depression. Those with higher self-compassion are not only generally less troubled by these symptoms, but they are also better able to cope with them than those who do not show themselves as much compassion (Kӧrner et al., 2015).

8 Benefits of having self-compassion

• Greater happiness
• Higher optimism
• More positive affect (good mood)
• A greater sense of wisdom
• More motivation and willingness to take initiative
• Increased curiosity, learning, and exploration
• Higher agreeableness
• More conscientiousness

Download 3 Free Self-Compassion Exercises (PDF)

These detailed, science-based exercises will equip you to help others create a kinder and more nurturing relationship with themselves.

Download 3 Free Self-Compassion Tools Pack (PDF)

By filling out your name and email address below.

Everyone loves a good quote! Refer back to these self-acceptance quotes when you need a quick boost of inspiration to love yourself.

“To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.”

Robert Morely

“Love yourself unconditionally, just as you love those closest to you despite their faults.”

“To love yourself right now, just as you are, is to give yourself heaven. Don’t wait until you die. If you wait, you die now. If you love, you live now.”

“Be gentle with yourself, learn to love yourself, to forgive yourself, for only as we have the right attitude toward ourselves can we have the right attitude toward others.”

Wilfred Peterson

If these quotes don’t give you a jolt of self-love and self-compassion, try adopting one of the following affirmations instead.

• “I approve of myself. I love myself deeply and fully.”
• “I am worthy of love and joy.”
• “My life is a gift. I will use this gift with confidence, joy, and exuberance.”

Read about these and discover more sample affirmations .

5 Examples of Healthy Self-Love and Self-Compassion

How do we go about loving and showing compassion for ourselves?

There are tons of examples all around us, including the following:

• A generally high-achieving student who fails a test but tells herself, “It’s alright, we all fail sometimes. You’re still a pretty good student overall.”
• A father who loses his temper and raises his voice to his child might tell himself, “You’re not a bad father. You just lost your temper. Everyone loses their temper once in a while. I’ll apologize to my child, forgive myself, and commit to doing better in the future.”
• A wife who lets slip something insulting about her mother-in-law to her husband shows self-compassion by thinking, “Everyone makes mistakes. I made a mistake and I feel bad about it, but it doesn’t make me a bad person.”
• A person who forgets about meeting up with a friend and feels terrible about it might show herself love by saying, “I can be forgetful sometimes, but I’m always forgiving when a friend forgets something, so I’m going to be forgiving to myself as well. I am still a good friend and I will plan to make it up to her.”
• An employee who does not receive the promotion he was hoping for would show himself compassion by telling himself, “Getting this promotion does not define you. You are still a great person and a good worker. You just need to put some effort into improving your skills in a few areas. You’ll get it next time!”

These individuals are certainly not narcissists or cold-hearted, unfeeling people; they are simply treating themselves like they would treat a friend in a difficult time.

How to Love Yourself – Acceptance Is Key

The first step to working on your acceptance and self-love is to determine where you are on those fronts. You can use Neff’s (2003) scale above to assess your level of compassion toward yourself, but simply sitting and thinking about how you tend to feel about, think about, and talk to yourself can give you a pretty good idea.

Once you know where you are, you can figure out where you want to go and determine how best to get there. Use these tips to get to your desired level of self-compassion/self-love).

Learn more by reading: How to Practice Self-Compassion: 8 Techniques and Tips.

6 Tips for practicing self-compassion and self-love

Self-love expert Margaret Paul (2014) has outlined six vital steps you can take to enhance your love for yourself.

Paul calls this process “inner bonding” and notes its powerful healing abilities. All you need to do is practice these six steps regularly to gradually enhance your ability to love yourself.

17 Exercises To Foster Self-Acceptance and Compassion

Help your clients develop a kinder, more accepting relationship with themselves using these 17 Self-Compassion Exercises [PDF] that promote self-care and self-compassion.

Created by Experts. 100% Science-based.

Practicing Self-Compassion and Meditation

Self-compassion and meditation go hand in hand. One of the best ways to build up your compassion for yourself is to understand yourself better, enhance your awareness of what’s going on in your own head, and cultivate a sense of love and a feeling of goodwill to all—it just so happens that mindfulness meditation does exactly that!

Guided meditations for self-love and compassion

Check out the guided meditations if you’re interested in developing a self-compassion meditation practice.

10-Minute Guided Meditation for Self-Compassion from Live Sonima

Guided Meditation for Confidence, Self-Love, and a Better Self-Image from Joe T at Hypnotic Labs

Self-Love: Guided Meditation on Unconditionally Love You from Positive Magazine Meditation

Guided Meditation for Self-Compassion from Green Mountain at Fox Run

If you’ve stuck with me for this entire piece—thank you! I’m so glad you took this winding journey through the information, resources, and techniques for improving your self-love and self-compassion with me.

I hope you found the journey helpful and learned at least a few new things. If you did, I’d love to hear what helped. If you didn’t, I’d love to hear about that too! Leave us a comment about your experience practicing self-love and boosting your self-compassion.

Thanks for reading!

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Self Compassion Exercises for free .

• Barnard, L. K., & Curry, J. F. (2011). Self-compassion: Conceptualizations, correlates, & interventions. Review of General Psychology , 15(4), 289-303.
• Firestone, L. (2016). The many benefits of self-compassion . Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201610/the-many-benefits-self-compassion
• Germer, C. (2009). The mindful path to self-compassion: Freeing yourself from destructive thoughts and emotions. Guilford Press.
• Gilbert, P., & Procter, S. (2006). Compassionate mind training for people with high shame and self-criticism: Overview and pilot study of a group therapy approach. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, 13, 353-379.
• Khoshaba, D. (2012). A seven-step prescription for self-love . Psychology Today . Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/get-hardy/201203/seven-step-prescription-self-love
• Kӧrner, A., Coroiu, A., Copeland, L., Gomez-Garibello, C., Albani, C., Zenger, M., & Brӓhler, E. (2015). The role of self-compassion in buffering symptoms of depression in the general population. PLoS One, 10.
• Krieger, T., Altenstein, D., Baettig, I., Doerig, N., & Holtforth, M. G. (2013). Self-compassion in depression: Associations with depressive symptoms, rumination, and avoidance in depressed outpatients. Behavior Therapy, 44 , 501-513.
• Maslow, A. H. (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review , 50(4), 370.
• Neff, K. (n.d.). Definition of self-compassion . Self-Compassion.org . Retrieved from http://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/
• Neff, K. D. (2003). Development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity , 2, 223-250.
• Neff, K., & Dahm, K. A. (2015). Self-compassion: What it is, what it does, and how it relates to mindfulness. In B. D. Ostafin (Ed.), Handbook of mindfulness and self-regulation (pp. 121-137). Springer.
• Paul, M. (2014, September 18). How do you actually learn to love yourself? Mind Body Green . Retrieved from https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-15295/how-do-you-actually-learn-to-love-yourself.html.
• Well, T. (2017). Is self-love healthy or narcissistic? Psychology Today . Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-clarity/201702/is-self-love-healthy-or-narcissistic
• Wong, K. (2017). Why self-compassion beats self-confidence . The New York Times . Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2017/12/28/smarter-living/why-self-compassion-beats-self-confidence.html

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Love the work and appreciate the time and effort you put into this. Thank you!

hello i wanted a clarity, compassion itself is an action word, it means to feel for the other and willing to do something to relieve the sufferings. In such a definition, self- compassion should mean, not just acknowledging with my own negative feelings but also doing something in order to relieve myself from it and move towards higher energy state. Actions are in the form of self-love just because there is a word, otherwise self-compassion itself give the entire meaning. Would you agree?

I would suggest that self-compassion may not always require that you take action. For instance, I might find myself feeling lethargic and unmotivated to act in any way at all. This might be due to any number of circumstances — I could be grieving, suffering from physical pain, or experiencing depression. If I’m to view myself with self-compassion, I would view myself with kindness and understanding, regardless of whether I ultimately took action, rather than beating myself, calling myself ‘bad’ for not doing all the things I should do, etc. That is, I would still know that I am worthy and deserving of love and kindness regardless by virtue of just ‘being’ rather than as a result of anything I am ‘doing’.

And yes, self-love is about the specific actions that we take to show ourselves kindness. So, I’d say self-compassion can exist before or in the absence of action.

Hopefully this is makes sense!

– Nicole | Community Manager

Wow this article is going to change my life. It was so informative with information for ALL different learners. It was not your typical article filled of words, words and more words. I love that there are great handouts, worksheets, tips, references quotes and much more.

Very much informative information thank you

Thank you , this was an amazing article , thank you for taking your time to write this !

Thank you very Nice website article

Thank you for this information. ?? I found this article to be very informative, and easy to understand.

Wonderful insight!! Thanx!!

I did a search for “self compassion” and found your excellent article. Thank you. I am struggling. I am an adult child of emotionally immature parents. Father narcissist (physician). Mother controlling. I’ve recently turned 80 and retired from doing psychotherapy (MFT) and am working on a book. I’ve done two already. “Requiem for a Dying World.” I am dealing with depression. Sadness. Grief. My poor Little Johnny needs compassion and hopefully as I digest your article I can learn to give it to him.

Hello sir, how are you doing now? I hope you are much better, wish you the best.

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How I Learned to Love Myself

Table of contents, the genesis of self-reflection, celebrating uniqueness, forging a compassionate connection, shattering the illusion of perfection, a journey of continuous growth, conclusion: an ongoing odyssey.

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I pitched this title. It seemed like a good idea at the time. And now I’m staring at my laptop thinking, “Wait.  Do  I love myself?”

Because I definitely don’t love everything about me. And I don’t walk around with some sort of effortless self-love flowing through my veins. So… WHO AM I TO WRITE THIS ARTICLE?

But, then again, I’ve spent 15 years (and a small fortune on therapy) learning to love myself. My life has transformed because of it. I know what loving myself looks like, I know generally how to do it, and I can honestly say that I show love to myself at least as often as I don’t, which is basically twice as often as I used to. All of that to say, this story is written by a person who’s still on the journey.

But along the way, there are four things I’ve learned about loving myself (so far):

1. I HAVE A SELF.

I know, I know. This might sound annoyingly meta. Or maybe just silly. But, for me, it was a critical thing to learn.

Obviously, I knew I existed. What I didn’t know is where I stopped and someone else started. I knew who I was only in relation to other people—I was a daughter, a friend, a girlfriend; then later, an employee, a wife, etc. Very rarely did I think of myself as just  me .

Plus, I was dangerously unaware of what was actually going on in my half of any given relationship. When asked how I felt, or what I wanted, I’d be at a loss to respond. What did the other person want? That’s what I was good at.

It’s understandable how I got to that point.

I’m wired for relationship. It’s one of my highest values and greatest pleasures. I throw myself in, deeply, and I tend to do almost anything to protect it. If I’m not careful, I can lose my “self” in the process.

On top of this, I grew up in a religious setting that emphasized selflessness. I now understand that this is about living a life of sacrifice. It’s about releasing control to a power greater than yourself. But, somehow, the way I heard “ Be selfless.”  was: “ Have no self .” Which fit right in with the way I’m wired and created an endless spiral of self-obliviousness.

For me, the first step to learning to love myself was learning to notice myself. It was a slow process of peeling my identity away from the others I had glued it to. Over time, I learned:

– I am not my family. – I am not my relationships. – I am not what people think of me. – I am not my failures. – I am not my successes.

I am myself. Regardless.

Which led to my next discovery.

2. MY  SELF  DESERVES LOVE.

I’ll be honest. My default setting toward myself is, at best, tolerance, and, at worst, merciless judgment. Left unchecked, I talk to myself with a toxic combination of scolding-mother and disdainful-teen. ( Why am I so stinkin’ sensitive? Why did I say that dumb thing? How could I possibly lose my cell phone in the house again? Why can’t I keep the bathroom floor clean? Sheesh my hair is ridiculous.)

These voices are so natural and familiar to me that, for a long while, I didn’t realize they existed. But one day, my therapist asked if I would speak to another person the way I talk to myself and I was mortified:  Are you kidding?! Never.

It began to dawn on me how damaging it would be for any person to listen to a never-ending monologue about how incapable, frustrating, dense, unattractive, and abnormal she is. Yet this is what I had subjected myself to for years.

I began to wonder what might happen if I changed that voice.

I starting paying attention to how I talk to the people I love, like my friends and my kids. When the healthy, loving people in my life talked to me, I began to listen more closely. I heard kindness and compassion in those voices. I noticed grace for mistakes and a genuine sense of care. And I started trying, as much as possible, to emulate those voices when talking to myself.

This led to my biggest discovery about loving myself.

3. LOVE ISN’T A FEELING.

Just as is true for anyone else I love, loving myself doesn’t mean I always feel like I’m the most amazing person on the planet. It doesn’t mean I’m completely enamored by everything I do, or everything I am.

Instead… – Love is the voice I choose to speak to myself with. – Love is the way I treat myself. – Love is protecting myself from things and people that aren’t good for me. – Love is surrounding myself with nourishing things. – Love is believing in myself. – Love is never giving up on myself.

Love isn’t a feeling. It’s a choice.

And, miraculously, when that choice is made consistently, sometimes it also becomes a feeling.

4. IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT ME.

So why is this even important? Is self-love just a veiled excuse for selfishness? Is it all just a bunch of self-help baloney? All I can tell you is how it’s mattered in my own life:

Loving myself has prevented me from expecting other people to carry that weight for me. It helps protect me from crushing disappointment when they can’t. It keeps me from settling for things/people/habits that are harmful to me. And loving myself allows me to do a relationship from a full place vs. an empty one.

Most of all though, when I am able to love myself – the person that I have been most judgmental of, the person who annoys me more than anyone else – then I truly am able to love others. And I know how to let them love me.

HOW LOVE LOOKED TODAY

As I’ve been writing this piece, it’s been a challenging few days. My mind has been foggy, my heart heavy, and my body drained. I wasn’t sure why, and I found myself feeling frustrated, willing myself to feel “normal.” Which only left me feeling more discouraged, of course.

Finally  (sometimes it still takes me a minute), I paid attention to what I might actually be needing. I gave myself a nap, took myself on a walk, got myself some deep breaths of fresh air, fed myself some organic beets, cut myself some slack, talked to a friend, and, eventually, realized I’m grieving some things. I pointed out to myself there are some actual real reasons for feeling a little off this week. And I changed the voices in my head from scolding and impatient to soothing and compassionate.

For me, that’s what loving myself looked like today. And I have to say, it helped.

Image sources:  1  /  2

Julie Rybarczyk is a freelance writer, fair-weather blogger, and empty-nester mama who’s living alone and liking it . She’s perpetually the chilliest person in Minneapolis—so most of the year you’ll find her under layers of wool, behind steaming cups of tea. Or on the socials at @shortsandlongs.

BY Julie Rybarczyk - December 4, 2018

Like what you see? Share Wit & Delight with a friend: 

“Love isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice.” This!! So important to remember when it comes to loving yourself as well as anyone else. I realized that with my first love when there were tough times to get through: sometimes you have to decide to love them. And it applies to loving ourselves the same way 🙂

Teresa | outlandishblog.com

very strong essay!

I agree with everything you wrote, but I want to share your advice. Never compare yourself with others, because it always causes a feeling of non-self-sufficiency and self-judgment. Never chase others and strive to be who you are not! You cannot live someone else’s life. Do not try to be like everyone else. Be yourself and go beyond your limits, expand your comfort zone. Who can you compare with? The only person you have to compare yourself with is yourself! I got it from college and my life has improved! Now I work at Write My Essay Online and help …  Read more »

Lovely post and a message to people who are having a hard time with self love, people put on a front and they might seem like they love themselves but in reality and in a horrible place, and this just shines some light on how you can help yourself

Love this article! I wish those people who have committed suicide could read this article once. We are weak inside and that’s the reason we couldn’t survive our lives. We need to start loving ourselves and don’t expect the others. A lot of people live in anxiety which causes health issues and migraine. To come out from this situation we need to learn how to enjoy every second of our life. You can find a lot of blogs on Buy cheap essay sites about self-beliefs.

Yet loving yourself is basic to your self-awareness, to the satisfaction you had always wanted Write My Assignment , and to create healthy, happy relationships with others. Rather than attempting to simply talk yourself into trusting you have self-love.

The blog post is great. The article talks about relationships. You can understand How I Learned to Love Myself by Julie Rybarczyk. There are many things that you are required to do in order to love yourself. Do you know the important things that you should look at to love yourself? The article mentions four things about loving yourself.

It’s amazing. I totally agree with you. Sometimes we forget that we need to love ourselves. And it’s so important to recognize the essential feelings which we must have. Thanks a lot for this piece of writing. By the way, if you need help with writing tasks, you can read more about what I’m doing on https://essays-lab.net/term-paper-writing/ .

Hello everyone, it was interesting to read your article. Usually i’m reading New York Times (it’s here, if u want to check it out https://www.nytimes.com ), but now i’ll read your site too!

Look here https://samedaypaper.org/blog/reflection-paper if you wanna know how to write a reflection paper. You have made some mistakes.

This article is one of the best I have read on this site. I hope many readers will take advantage of your tips and look at themselves with new experiences. I have time for such discussions thanks https://essaysleader.com/essay-about-yourself/

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Home / Essay Samples / Life / Love / My Self-Love Journey: Embracing My True Self

My Self-Love Journey: Embracing My True Self

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• Topic: Finding Yourself , Strengths

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