coping with the loss of a loved one essay

Grief: Coping with the loss of your loved one

Research shows that most people can recover from loss on their own through the passage of time if they have social support and healthy habits.

Coping with the loss of a close friend or family member may be one of the hardest challenges that many of us face. When we lose a spouse, sibling or parent our grief can be particularly intense. Loss is understood as a natural part of life, but we can still be overcome by shock and confusion, leading to prolonged periods of sadness or depression. The sadness typically diminishes in intensity as time passes, but grieving is an important process in order to overcome these feelings and continue to embrace the time you had with your loved one.

Everyone reacts differently to death and employs personal coping mechanisms for grief. Research shows that most people can recover from loss on their own through the passage of time if they have social support and healthy habits. It may take months or a year to come to terms with a loss. There is no “normal” time period for someone to grieve. Don’t expect to pass through phases of grief either, as research suggests that most people do not go through stages as progressive steps.

If your relationship with the deceased was difficult, this will also add another dimension to the grieving process. It may take some time and thought before you are able to look back on the relationship and adjust to the loss.

Human beings are naturally resilient, considering most of us can endure loss and then continue on with our own lives. But some people may struggle with grief for longer periods of time and feel unable to carry out daily activities. Individuals with severe grief or complicated grief could benefit from the help of a psychologist or another licensed mental health professional with a specialization in grief.

Moving on with life

Mourning the loss of a close friend or relative takes time, but research tells us that it can also be the catalyst for a renewed sense of meaning that offers purpose and direction to life.

Grieving individuals may find it helpful to use some of the following strategies to help them process and come to terms with loss:

• Talk about the death of your loved one with friends or colleagues in order to help you understand what happened and remember your friend or family member. Avoidance can lead to isolation and will disrupt the healing process with your support systems.
• Accept your feelings . You may experience a wide range of emotions from sadness, anger or even exhaustion. All of these feelings are normal and it’s important to recognize when you are feeling this way. If you feel stuck or overwhelmed by these emotions, it may be helpful to talk with a licensed psychologist or other mental health professional who can help you cope with your feelings and find ways to get back on track.
• Take care of yourself and your family . Eating healthy foods, exercising and getting plenty of sleep can help your physical and emotional health. The grieving process can take a toll on one’s body.  Make sure you check in with your loved ones and that they are taking the necessary healthy steps to maintain their health.
• Reach out and help others dealing with the loss . Spending time with loved ones of the deceased can help everyone cope. Whether it’s sharing stories or listening to your loved one’s favorite music, these small efforts can make a big difference to some. Helping others has the added benefit of making you feel better as well.
• Remember and celebrate the lives of your loved ones . Anniversaries of a lost loved one can be a difficult time for friends and family, but it can also be a time for remembrance and honoring them. It may be that you decide to collect donations to a favorite charity of the deceased, passing on a family name to a baby or planting a garden in memory. What you choose is up to you, as long as it allows you to honor that unique relationship in a way that feels right to you.

How psychologists can help

Psychologists are trained to help people better handle the fear, guilt or anxiety that can be associated with the death of a loved one. If you need help dealing with your grief or managing a loss, consult with a psychologist or other licensed mental health professional. Psychologists can help people build their resilience and develop strategies to get through their sadness. Practicing psychologists use a variety of evidence-based treatments — most commonly psychotherapy — to help people improve their lives. Psychologists, who have doctoral degrees, receive one of the highest levels of education of any health care professional.

This article was adapted from a March 2011 post by Katherine C. Nordal, PhD.

The full text of articles from APA Help Center may be reproduced and distributed for noncommercial purposes with credit given to the American Psychological Association. Any electronic reproductions must link to the original article on the APA Help Center. Any exceptions to this, including excerpting, paraphrasing or reproduction in a commercial work, must be presented in writing to the APA. Images from the APA Help Center may not be reproduced

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How your brain copes with grief, and why it takes time to heal

Berly McCoy

Grief is tied to all sorts of different brain functions, says researcher and author Mary-Frances O'Connor. That can range from being able to recall memories to taking the perspective of another person, to even things like regulating our heart rate and the experience of pain and suffering. Adam Lister/Getty Images hide caption

Grief is tied to all sorts of different brain functions, says researcher and author Mary-Frances O'Connor. That can range from being able to recall memories to taking the perspective of another person, to even things like regulating our heart rate and the experience of pain and suffering.

Holidays are never quite the same after someone we love dies. Even small aspects of a birthday or a Christmas celebration — an empty seat at the dinner table, one less gift to buy or make — can serve as jarring reminders of how our lives have been forever changed. Although these realizations are hard to face, clinical psychologist Mary-Frances O'Connor says we shouldn't avoid them or try to hide our feelings.

"Grief is a universal experience," she notes, "and when we can connect, it is better."

O'Connor, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Arizona, studies what happens in our brains when we experience grief. She says grieving is a form of learning — one that teaches us how to be in the world without someone we love in it. "The background is running all the time for people who are grieving, thinking about new habits and how they interact now."

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Adjusting to the fact that we'll never again spend time with our loved ones can be painful. It takes time — and involves changes in the brain. "What we see in science is, if you have a grief experience and you have support so that you have a little bit of time to learn, and confidence from the people around you, that you will in fact adapt."

O'Connor's upcoming book, The Grieving Brain , explores what scientists know about how our minds grapple with the loss of a loved one.

Interview highlights

On the grieving process

When we have the experience of being in a relationship, the sense of who we are is bound up with that other person. The word sibling, the word spouse implies two people. And so when the other person is gone, we suddenly have to learn a totally new set of rules to operate in the world. The "we" is as important as the "you" and "me," and the brain, interestingly, really does encode it that way. So when people say "I feel like I've lost part of myself," that is for a good reason. The brain also feels that way, as it were, and codes the "we" as much as the "you" and the "I."

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On the difference between grief and grieving

Grief is that emotional state that just knocks you off your feet and comes over you like a wave. Grieving necessarily has a time component to it. Grieving is what happens as we adapt to the fact that our loved one is gone, that we're carrying the absence of them with us. And the reason that this distinction makes sense is, grief is a natural response to loss — so we'll feel grief forever. A woman who lost her mother as a young person is going to experience that grief on her wedding day because it's a new moment where she's having a response to loss.

But "grieving" means that our relationship to that grief changes over time. So the first time, maybe even the first 100 times, you're knocked off your feet with grief, it feels terrible and awful and unfamiliar. But maybe the 101st time, you think to yourself, "I hate this, I don't want this to be true. But I do recognize it, and I do know that I will get through the wave."

On the emotions involved in grieving

The range of emotions that someone experiences when they're grieving is as long a list as the range of emotions we have in any relationship. Commonly there's panic, there's anxiety, there's sadness, there's yearning. But what we sometimes forget is that there's also difficulty concentrating and confusion about what happens next.

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I am often struck by the intensity of the emotions. Grief is like someone turned up the volume dial all of a sudden. The emotion that I think often interferes with our relationships and friendships when we're grieving is anger, because the anger feels so intense. You have someone blow up at a dinner party and you think, "What's happening with them?" And then to try and remember, "Oh, they're grieving and everything is amped up a little bit."

On what is happening in our brains

We have neuroimaging studies basically of grief, of the momentary reaction where you have that emotional yearning experience. There are less than a handful of studies looking at more than one moment in the same person across time — so looking at their grieving trajectory. What we know right now in these early days of the neurobiology of grief is really coming from snapshots.

Having said that, one of the things that we know is that grief is tied to all sorts of different brain functions we have, from being able to recall memories to taking the perspective of another person, to even things like regulating our heart rate and the experience of pain and suffering. So lots of different parts of the brain are orchestrating this experience that we have when we feel grief.

On prolonged grief

When you're knocked over by that wave of grief, you want to know, "When will this end?" From a research perspective, there is a very small proportion of people who might have what we now call prolonged grief disorder, something we start looking for after six months or a year [after a death or loss]. ... And what we are seeing, [in such cases], is that this person has not been able to function day to day the way that they wish that they could. They're not getting out the door to work or getting dinner on the table for their kids or they're not able to, say, listen to music because it's just too upsetting. So these types of concerns ... suggest it would be helpful to intervene and get them back on the healing trajectory where they will still feel grief, but they will adapt to it differently.

The older term that we were using for a long time was "complicated grief." And although prolonged grief disorder is the term we've settled on, there's a reason that I like the term complicated — because it makes you think of complications.

As an example, one of those is the grief-related rumination that people sometimes experience. The better term for that that people will recognize is the "would've, should've, could've" thoughts. And they just roll through your head over and over again. The problem with these thoughts — we sometimes call "counterfactuals" — is that they all end in this virtual scenario where the person doesn't die. And that's just not reality. And so, by spinning in these thoughts, not only is there no answer — there are an infinite number of possibilities with no actual answer of what would have happened — but it also isn't necessarily helping us to adapt to the painful reality that they did die. And so our virtual version is not really helping us to learn how to be in the world now.

It's less than 10% of people who experience prolonged grief disorder. And what that means is 90% of people experience difficult grief and suffering, but don't have a disorder after losing a loved one. I think it's so important to remember that ... because we don't want to hide grief away ... in a psychiatrist's office or a counselor's office, except in indications where that would be helpful to get people back on track.

On how to support grieving people in your life

I think when you care for someone who is going through this terrible process of losing someone, it really is more about listening to them and seeing where they're at in their learning than it is about trying to make them feel better. The point is not to cheer them up. The point is to be with them and let them know that you will be with them and that you can imagine a future for them where they're not constantly being knocked over by the waves of grief.

On losing people to the pandemic

One of the topics I think is not much in the national conversation is that so many of the deaths of our loved ones happened in hospitals, emergency rooms and ICUs — and we weren't there to see it. And that is for a very good reason, because we were trying to stop the spread of COVID. So having family members in hospitals did not make sense.

But it means that people are without these memories of watching their loved one become more ill and watching those changes that happen in their body that prepare our mind for the possibility that they might die. To go through that process without those memories makes it much harder to learn what has happened. So many people feel it hasn't really sunk in yet that they're gone.

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What I don't hear very often is the fact that with COVID, the loved ones that are left behind made the sacrifice of not being with their loved ones in the hospital in order to stop the spread. And that sacrifice needs to be recognized, I think. In part to help people heal, so that it's understood why they're having such a difficult time. And to elevate the understanding that they did something for the greater good — and they gave up something while they did it.

An excerpted audio version of this interview first appeared in a recent episode of NPR's daily science podcast, Short Wave , hosted by Emily Kwong and produced by Berly McCoy.

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The Process of Coping with Grief and Loss

How to best navigate our feelings after losing someone..

Posted September 1, 2021 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch

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• We know that loss is an emotional event, yet we often hasten to quell others’ emotional expressions.
• Without the processing of relevant emotions, we become stuck in the trauma of loss, which leads to us being impacted more implicitly.
• Even though losing a loved one hurts and can evoke anger, frustration and sadness, our natural emotions are meant to be felt and experienced.

I first considered writing this post after being approached by an interviewer about my thoughts on coping with death. At the time, I found the timing to be appropriate, given that I had recently lost two people to whom I was close. Since then, my proximity to death became even closer with my father passing away and then having to attend not just one, but two funerals in the span of weeks.

Coping with a loss is not meant to be easy. We know loss is an emotional event, yet we often hasten to quell others’ emotional expressions, offering platitudes such as “don’t cry” or “try not to think about it.”

For many, faith becomes a valuable resource during a period of loss. I have personally witnessed the power of faith and prayer when I attended the funeral for the dearly departed father of one of my students. This difficult moment was filled with inspiration and hope created by parishioners and loved ones united in a celebration of life.

As I was told by a family member during one of the most difficult moments in my recent past, “ Grief is private and personal and everyone copes in their own way.” Thus, I would like to share a few things I have learned that have been helpful in my own coping with death and loss.

Allow yourself to feel

This may seem like a simple act, but it’s probably the hardest part of the grieving process.

Loss is painful, and the greater the attachment , the greater the wound. We instinctually deal with negative situations through avoidance, denial , and distraction. Simply put, “If pain hurts, why should we feel obliged to feel it?” Unfortunately, experiencing these emotions is integral to healing. Without the processing of relevant emotions, we become stuck in the trauma of loss, which leads to us being impacted in a more implicit and chronic manner.

As our sympathetic nervous system becomes activated by the emotional threats of loss and grief, our brains continuously search and comb through our memories to find an explanation for the occurrence. While the physiological portion of this function is a necessary survival instinct, it can take hold when it continues as a method of processing and not only helps sustain negative feelings but reinforces and increases them as well.

Even though losing a loved one hurts and can evoke anger , frustration, and sadness, our natural emotions are meant to be felt and experienced. This is normal, so denying these emotions does not invite peace but instead provides a false sense of security that further distances us from peace and acceptance. Talking to those in whom you confide, journaling, or simply introspecting can be helpful. Holding back tears does not make them disappear, but instead drives them deeper, so allow yourself to emote.

Try to find meaning in the loss

Our neurophysiology and anatomical constitution cannot help but constantly look for a reason. It’s an innate function that can either be an asset or a detriment.

Since meaning is essential, we usually look for it in many places. Initially, we try to answer the question of “why?” We may blame ourselves, others, and even existence in general. Faith and religion are often able to fill that void for many, although some may look elsewhere.

Finding meaning amid suffering is difficult, but necessary. For me, meaning is found in everyday occurrences. There is no need to look for “nodal points"; rather, one should seek to find value in the moment.

There is an intrinsic value in life, and with value there is meaning. Now, the tricky part is not necessarily finding meaning in death, but finding it in life.

Do your best to find internal peace

As Elizabeth Kübler-Ross demonstrated, coping with loss is an emotional storm, yet finding peace is crucial. Belief in a higher power and religious tenets can bring peace through concepts such as eternal life, which helps what feels like a goodbye seem like more of a “see you later.”

Peace may also come from a better understanding of the connectedness embedded in existence or from exploring spirituality . We often think that peace is a passive exercise in which we must place ourselves in a quiet, calm environment, but life is often not calm or quiet. Therefore, peace must be an active experience fueled by intention.

Keep your loved ones “alive”

Using the words of author Sir Terry Prattchet, “no one is actually dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away.” Finding ways to keep a person “alive” after they're gone is another effective way to cope with grief. For example, artists are often appreciated after their time and we seek to cherish their memories after they have passed. While we often like to say that people live on in our memories, thoughts, and prayers, I like to think it’s a bit more tangible than that.

Our loved ones become part of who we are. We are forever changed by them and evolve through every interaction we have had, with more meaningful interactions being significantly more impactful. Thus, the deceased continue to live on in our actions, everyday behaviors, and noteworthy achievements.

To honor someone “in our own way” can mean that with every one of our corresponding actions and interactions we give them life. But therein lies a paradox. So why not apply these tenets more proactively by seeking to live our lives by feeling more, finding meaning, exerting peace, and honoring them through our actions? We should not fear death, nor should we seek to welcome it.

Often, we are reminded about our own mortality when we experience the passing of a loved one. We usually cope with grief in a reactive manner because the ambiguity and finality of death can be overwhelming and scary, and so we choose to not think or discuss it.

To be a human being is to be in a dynamic state of action. Therefore it is through our actions that the departed remain, resulting in a more proactive approach in which the prospect of death does not hinder us in celebrating their lives through ours.

Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On Death and Dying. Simon & Schuster/Touchstone

Isaac P. Tourgeman, Ph.D., M.S. ClinPharm , is a full-time faculty member at Albizu University in Doral, Florida, and a staff psychologist at the Design Neuroscience Center.

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Sticking up for yourself is no easy task. But there are concrete skills you can use to hone your assertiveness and advocate for yourself.

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8 Popular Essays About Death, Grief & the Afterlife

Updated 05/4/2022

Published 07/19/2021

Joe Oliveto, BA in English

Contributing writer

Cake values integrity and transparency. We follow a strict editorial process to provide you with the best content possible. We also may earn commission from purchases made through affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, we earn from qualifying purchases. Learn more in our affiliate disclosure .

Death is a strange topic for many reasons, one of which is the simple fact that different people can have vastly different opinions about discussing it.

Jump ahead to these sections: 

Essays or articles about the death of a loved one, essays or articles about dealing with grief, essays or articles about the afterlife or near-death experiences.

Some fear death so greatly they don’t want to talk about it at all. However, because death is a universal human experience, there are also those who believe firmly in addressing it directly. This may be more common now than ever before due to the rise of the death positive movement and mindset.

You might believe there’s something to be gained from talking and learning about death. If so, reading essays about death, grief, and even near-death experiences can potentially help you begin addressing your own death anxiety. This list of essays and articles is a good place to start. The essays here cover losing a loved one, dealing with grief, near-death experiences, and even what someone goes through when they know they’re dying.

Losing a close loved one is never an easy experience. However, these essays on the topic can help someone find some meaning or peace in their grief.

1. ‘I’m Sorry I Didn’t Respond to Your Email, My Husband Coughed to Death Two Years Ago’ by Rachel Ward

Rachel Ward’s essay about coping with the death of her husband isn’t like many essays about death. It’s very informal, packed with sarcastic humor, and uses an FAQ format. However, it earns a spot on this list due to the powerful way it describes the process of slowly finding joy in life again after losing a close loved one.

Ward’s experience is also interesting because in the years after her husband’s death, many new people came into her life unaware that she was a widow. Thus, she often had to tell these new people a story that’s painful but unavoidable. This is a common aspect of losing a loved one that not many discussions address.

2. ‘Everything I know about a good death I learned from my cat’ by Elizabeth Lopatto

Not all great essays about death need to be about human deaths! In this essay, author Elizabeth Lopatto explains how watching her beloved cat slowly die of leukemia and coordinating with her vet throughout the process helped her better understand what a “good death” looks like.

For instance, she explains how her vet provided a degree of treatment but never gave her false hope (for instance, by claiming her cat was going to beat her illness). They also worked together to make sure her cat was as comfortable as possible during the last stages of her life instead of prolonging her suffering with unnecessary treatments.

Lopatto compares this to the experiences of many people near death. Sometimes they struggle with knowing how to accept death because well-meaning doctors have given them the impression that more treatments may prolong or even save their lives, when the likelihood of them being effective is slimmer than patients may realize.

Instead, Lopatto argues that it’s important for loved ones and doctors to have honest and open conversations about death when someone’s passing is likely near. This can make it easier to prioritize their final wishes instead of filling their last days with hospital visits, uncomfortable treatments, and limited opportunities to enjoy themselves.

3. ‘The terrorist inside my husband’s brain’ by Susan Schneider Williams

This article, which Susan Schneider Williams wrote after the death of her husband Robin Willians, covers many of the topics that numerous essays about the death of a loved one cover, such as coping with life when you no longer have support from someone who offered so much of it. 

However, it discusses living with someone coping with a difficult illness that you don’t fully understand, as well. The article also explains that the best way to honor loved ones who pass away after a long struggle is to work towards better understanding the illnesses that affected them. 

4. ‘Before I Go’ by Paul Kalanithi

“Before I Go” is a unique essay in that it’s about the death of a loved one, written by the dying loved one. Its author, Paul Kalanithi, writes about how a terminal cancer diagnosis has changed the meaning of time for him.

Kalanithi describes believing he will die when his daughter is so young that she will likely never have any memories of him. As such, each new day brings mixed feelings. On the one hand, each day gives him a new opportunity to see his daughter grow, which brings him joy. On the other hand, he must struggle with knowing that every new day brings him closer to the day when he’ll have to leave her life.

Coping with grief can be immensely challenging. That said, as the stories in these essays illustrate, it is possible to manage grief in a positive and optimistic way.

5. Untitled by Sheryl Sandberg

This piece by Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook’s current CEO, isn’t a traditional essay or article. It’s actually a long Facebook post. However, many find it’s one of the best essays about death and grief anyone has published in recent years.

She posted it on the last day of sheloshim for her husband, a period of 30 days involving intense mourning in Judaism. In the post, Sandberg describes in very honest terms how much she learned from those 30 days of mourning, admitting that she sometimes still experiences hopelessness, but has resolved to move forward in life productively and with dignity.

She explains how she wanted her life to be “Option A,” the one she had planned with her husband. However, because that’s no longer an option, she’s decided the best way to honor her husband’s memory is to do her absolute best with “Option B.”

This metaphor actually became the title of her next book. Option B , which Sandberg co-authored with Adam Grant, a psychologist at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, is already one of the most beloved books about death , grief, and being resilient in the face of major life changes. It may strongly appeal to anyone who also appreciates essays about death as well.

6. ‘My Own Life’ by Oliver Sacks

Grief doesn’t merely involve grieving those we’ve lost. It can take the form of the grief someone feels when they know they’re going to die.

Renowned physician and author Oliver Sacks learned he had terminal cancer in 2015. In this essay, he openly admits that he fears his death. However, he also describes how knowing he is going to die soon provides a sense of clarity about what matters most. Instead of wallowing in his grief and fear, he writes about planning to make the very most of the limited time he still has.

Belief in (or at least hope for) an afterlife has been common throughout humanity for decades. Additionally, some people who have been clinically dead report actually having gone to the afterlife and experiencing it themselves.

Whether you want the comfort that comes from learning that the afterlife may indeed exist, or you simply find the topic of near-death experiences interesting, these are a couple of short articles worth checking out.

7. ‘My Experience in a Coma’ by Eben Alexander

“My Experience in a Coma” is a shortened version of the narrative Dr. Eben Alexander shared in his book, Proof of Heaven . Alexander’s near-death experience is unique, as he’s a medical doctor who believes that his experience is (as the name of his book suggests) proof that an afterlife exists. He explains how at the time he had this experience, he was clinically braindead, and therefore should not have been able to consciously experience anything.

Alexander describes the afterlife in much the same way many others who’ve had near-death experiences describe it. He describes starting out in an “unresponsive realm” before a spinning white light that brought with it a musical melody transported him to a valley of abundant plant life, crystal pools, and angelic choirs. He states he continued to move from one realm to another, each realm higher than the last, before reaching the realm where the infinite love of God (which he says is not the “god” of any particular religion) overwhelmed him.

8. “One Man's Tale of Dying—And Then Waking Up” by Paul Perry

The author of this essay recounts what he considers to be one of the strongest near-death experience stories he’s heard out of the many he’s researched and written about over the years. The story involves Dr. Rajiv Parti, who claims his near-death experience changed his views on life dramatically.

Parti was highly materialistic before his near-death experience. During it, he claims to have been given a new perspective, realizing that life is about more than what his wealth can purchase. He returned from the experience with a permanently changed outlook.

This is common among those who claim to have had near-death experiences. Often, these experiences leave them kinder, more understanding, more spiritual, and less materialistic.

This short article is a basic introduction to Parti’s story. He describes it himself in greater detail in the book Dying to Wake Up , which he co-wrote with Paul Perry, the author of the article.

Essays About Death: Discussing a Difficult Topic

It’s completely natural and understandable to have reservations about discussing death. However, because death is unavoidable, talking about it and reading essays and books about death instead of avoiding the topic altogether is something that benefits many people. Sometimes, the only way to cope with something frightening is to address it.

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Coping With Grief: 7 Things to Remember When Dealing with Loss

By Susan Wagner Wednesday, June 26, 2024

Grief can feel all-consuming, but those intense feelings don’t last forever.

One of life’s most difficult experiences is losing a loved one, and grief doesn’t necessarily follow a straight path through stages that neatly fit into boxes. Though each person’s grief is as unique as their fingerprints, experts have identified some thoughts and feelings common to the grieving process: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Emotions around the loss of a loved one often surface unexpectedly; sometimes conflicting feelings can come up at the same time, and emotions may change from minute to minute or day to day on the so-called “grief roller coaster.”

The symptoms of grief are also wide-ranging. Most people experience it as sadness, but sometimes grief can feel like relief, especially if the dying process was long or the loved one was in pain. For some people, grief is a numbness; for others it feels like a physical ache.

We learn about our capacity to handle grief by moving through it, according to  the team of bereavement experts at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center (MSK). They share the latest insights into the grieving process and ideas to keep in mind when you feel overwhelmed.

1. It won’t feel like this forever.

Part of what makes losing a loved one so painful is the feeling that the intense sadness will last forever. It’s a common fear, says  MSK psychologist,Jessy Levin , PhD, MDH, co-director of bereavement services within the  Caregivers Clinic at MSK (the nation’s first of its kind.) “While we never ‘move on’ from the people we love,” Dr. Levin says, resuming your normal activities is a good start to processing the loss. “It can feel awkward at first,” she admits. “But over time the focus can shift from grief to integrating the loss of your loved one into your day-to-day life.”

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2. You can handle it, even when you feel like you can’t.

Dr. Amanda Balakirsky

 Many people are resilient in grief, says  MSK psychologist Amanda Balakirsky , PsyD, co-director of bereavement services, but the initial shock of the loss can often be difficult to cope with. She says it’s helpful, when possible, to  “cope ahead” by developing a plan to ensure that you are well-supported in the event that your loved one passes.

Dr. Levin says that grief and pain often come in waves and can feel overwhelming. But she suggests that people treat the feeling of being crashed into by grief as they do waves crashing over them on the shore. “Allow the wave to come, but also allow it to go,” she says. “Your grief will ebb.” Make space for painful emotions, as they let us practice resilience.

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3. Be gentle with yourself.

Grief is exhausting. It has a way of touching all areas of life and can affect how you take care of yourself. Carve out time for naps, eat nourishing foods, and drink plenty of water. But above all, say the MSK bereavement experts, treat yourself with compassion. Try not to judge yourself or feel guilty. Give yourself a break as you navigate the loss of your loved one.

4. Think in cycles, not lines.

Susan Glaser

If you reach a point where you’re feeling good only to feel bad again, it’s not a sign that you’ve relapsed or gotten worse. It’s how grief works, and it’s actually forward movement. “People will say, ‘I was walking down the street and all of a sudden I started to cry, and yet, I had been feeling calm,’ ” says MSK bereavement counselor  Susan Glaser . “I try to reframe that. Grief is a series of loops: It’s possible to circle back to where you were and still keep moving onward.”

5. Your feelings are understandable and reasonable.

Dr. Levin avoids using the word “normal” to describe emotions that arise during the grief process. She prefers the terms “understandable and reasonable,” saying “nothing is really normal once your world has been shaken up.” Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel: anger, sadness, even relief. The bottom line on feelings is simple, Dr. Levin says: “There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to mourn and grieve.”

6. Grief can help you find meaning.

There’s no getting over the loss of a loved one. Instead, Ms. Glaser says, you can find ways to incorporate that loss into your life as you move forward. Grief is a natural response to loving someone. Though we all have past experiences that may influence how we see ourselves, grief provides an opportunity to reflect on what matters most to us.

Dr. Balakirsky highlights the importance of staying connected to the things that give you a reason to step out into life each day, the sources of meaning in your life. That can contribute to a sense of purpose and empower you to carve a path forward.

7. You’re not alone.

Many family members appreciate the continuity of care brought about by seeing MSK professionals who specifically understand the cancer experience and how it can impact grief.

“At MSK, we recognize that you, as someone who loved a person who has died, are still part of their cancer process,” Dr. Levin says. “We’re here to hold your hand through the process and recognize that though the person you love is no longer in this world, you hold onto their memory and the pain of their loss.”

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Grief, Loss, and Bereavement

Bereavement and grief encompass a range of feelings from deep sadness to anger. The process of adapting to a significant loss can vary dramatically from one person to another. It often depends on a person’s background, beliefs, and relationship to what was lost.

Grieving Thoughts and Behaviors

Models of grief, the process of recovering from grief, complicated grief, broken heart syndrome, depression and grief.

• Bereavement and Culture

Disenfranchised Grief

Grief is not limited to feelings of sadness . It can also involve  guilt , yearning,  anger , and  regret . Emotions are often surprising in their strength or mildness. They can also be confusing. One person may find themselves grieving a painful relationship. Another may mourn a loved one who died from cancer and yet feel relief that the person is no longer suffering.

Grieving behaviors also have a wide range. Some people find comfort in sharing their feelings among company. Other people may prefer to be alone with their feelings, engaging in silent activities like exercising or writing.

The different feelings, thoughts, and behaviors people express during grief can be categorized into two main styles: instrumental and intuitive. Most people display a blend of these two styles of grieving:

• Instrumental grieving has a focus primarily on problem-solving tasks. This style involves controlling or minimizing emotional expression.
• Intuitive grieving is based on a heightened emotional experience. This style involves sharing feelings, exploring the lost relationship, and considering mortality.

No one way of grieving is better than any other. Some people are more emotional and dive into their feelings. Others are stoic and may seek distraction from dwelling on an unchangeable fact of living. Every individual has unique needs when coping with loss.

Grief can vary between individuals. However, there are still global trends in how people cope with loss. Psychologists and researchers have outlined various models of grief. Some of the most familiar models include the five stages of grief, the four tasks of mourning, and the dual process model. 

Five Stages of Grief

In 1969, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified five linear stages of grief:

Kubler-Ross originally developed this model to illustrate the process of bereavement. Yet she eventually adapted the model to account for any type of grief. Kubler-Ross noted that everyone experiences at least two of the five stages of grief. She acknowledged that some people may revisit certain stages over many years or throughout life.

Four Tasks of Mourning

Psychologist J. W. Worden also created a stage-based model for coping with the death of a loved one. He divided the bereavement process into four tasks: 

• To accept the reality of the loss
• To work through the pain of grief
• To adjust to life without the deceased
• To maintain a connection to the deceased while moving on with life

Dual Process Model

As an alternative to the linear stage-based model, Margaret Stroebe and Hank Schut developed a dual process model of bereavement. They identified two processes associated with bereavement:

Loss-oriented activities and stressors are those directly related to the death. These include:

• Experiencing sadness, denial, or anger
• Dwelling on the circumstances of the death
• Avoiding restoration activities

Restoration-oriented activities and stressors are associated with secondary losses. They may involve lifestyle, routine, and relationships. Restoration-oriented processes include: 

• Adapting to a new role
• Managing changes in routine
• Developing new ways of connecting with family and friends
• Cultivating a new way of life.

Stroebe and Schut suggest most people will move back and forth between loss-oriented and restoration-oriented activities.

Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. Some people recover from grief and resume normal activities within six months, though they continue to feel moments of sadness. Others may feel better after about a year. 

The grieving process often involves many difficult and complicated emotions. Yet joy, contentment, and humor do not have to be absent during this difficult time. Self-care , recreation, and social support can be vital to the recovery. Feeling occasional happiness does not mean a person is done mourning.

Grieving the loss of a loved one be a difficult process, whether the loss is due to death, a breakup , or other circumstance. One of the hardest challenges is adjusting to the new reality of living in the absence of the loved one. Adjusting may require a person to develop a new daily routine or to rethink their plans for the future. While creating a new life, a person may adopt a new sense of identity . 

The experience of grief is not something a person ever recovers from completely. However, time typically tempers its intensity. Yet an estimated 15% of people who have lost a loved one will experience “complicated grief.” This term refers to a persistent form of bereavement, lasting for one year or more. 

Again, the length of time it takes for a person to grieve is highly variable and dependent on context. But when symptoms persist without improvement for an extended period, they may qualify as complicated grief. In addition, the symptoms of complicated grief to be more severe. Complicated grief often dominates a person’s life, interfering with their daily functioning.

Prolonged symptoms may include:

• Intense sadness and emotional pain
• Feelings of emptiness and hopelessness
• Yearning to be reunited with the deceased
• Preoccupation with the deceased or with the circumstances of the death
• Difficulty engaging in happy memories of the lost person
• Avoidance of reminders of the deceased
• A reduced sense of identity
• Detachment and isolation from surviving friends and family
• Lack of desire to pursue personal interests or plans

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-5) does not classify complicated grief as a clinical condition. Yet it does include diagnostic criteria for “persistent complex bereavement disorder” in the section of conditions requiring further study.

Generally speaking, grief cannot kill a person. That said, there are cases in which severe stress could harm an otherwise healthy person’s heart. 

As the name suggests, the broken heart syndrome often follows news of loss, such as a divorc e or death of a loved one. Yet symptoms can also appear after a good shock, such as winning the lottery. Women are more likely than men to develop the condition.

Most people who experience broken heart syndrome recover within weeks. Deaths from the condition are rare. Since the syndrome is prompted by a shocking event, people have a low risk of experiencing it twice.

The DSM-5 does not define bereavement as a disorder. Yet typical signs of grief, such as social withdrawal, can mimic those of depression .

So how can one tell the difference between grief and depression?

• Grief is typically preceded by loss. Depression can develop at any time.
• The sadness present in grief is typically related to the loss or death. Depression is characterized by a general sense of worthlessness , despair, and lack of joy . 
• Symptoms of grief may improve on their own with time. Someone with depression often needs treatment to recover .

Despite their differences, depression and grief are not mutually exclusive. If someone is vulnerable to depression, grief has the potential to trigger a depressive episode. If someone already has depression, their condition may prolong or worsen the grieving process. A therapist can help a person in mourning recognize and manage any depressive symptoms.

Bereavement and Culture 

Certain aspects of grief are virtually universal. Most cultures have rituals of mourning after a death. Crying is common, regardless of a person’s origins. However, the bereavement process can vary dramatically depending on one’s culture. Cultural values may affect a person’s:

• Attitude toward death : Many Western cultures display death-denying traits. Death is often depicted as something to fight or resist. Eastern cultures, meanwhile, tend to characterize death to be a part of life. Death is often considered more of a transition than an end. Research suggests people in death-denying cultures tend to have more anxiety around death than people in death-accepting cultures.
• Remembrance of the deceased : Some cultures, such as the Hopi or Achuar peoples, grieve by attempting to forget as much of the deceased as possible. It may be taboo for loved ones to say the person’s name or to touch their belongings. Rituals are done to sever connections with the dead. Other cultures mourn by sharing memories of the deceased. People in the Akan region of Ghana often hold elaborate funerals which may cost a full year’s income. The deceased are typically placed in “fantasy coffins” personalized with symbols of their life. 
• Emotional Displays :  Social norms can differ regarding how much emotion is “appropriate” to show. A 1990 study compared bereavement norms in two Muslim societies. Mourners in Egypt may be encouraged to grieve for an extended period of time. A person might display their love for the deceased through displays of unrestrained emotion. Meanwhile, Balinese culture tends to pathologize overt sorrow. People are encouraged to put on a happy face in front of others and to cut ties with the deceased.

When analyzing grieving behaviors, context matters as much as the symptoms themselves. Bereavement trends which are typical in one culture may be stigmatized in another. When working with individuals in grief, therapists may need to keep cultural influences in mind.

Disenfranchised grief occurs when a person’s mourning is restricted in some way. Society may stigmatize a person’s mourning process or refuse to acknowledge their loss. Grief may be disenfranchised for several reasons:

• Society devalues the loss . The loss of a pet often garners less sympathy than the loss of a human relative. Others may say “it was just an animal” and accuse the person of being too emotional. Yet research shows the mourning period for a pet is about the same length as for a human family member.
• The loss is ambiguous . An adopted child may grieve the loss of their birth parents, even if said adults are alive. If a loved one has late-stage dementia , family members may feel as if the person they knew is gone.
• Society stigmatizes the circumstances of the loss . Pregnancy-related loss is often considered taboo. Women who undergo a miscarriage may feel guilt and shame. They may avoid telling others about the loss to avoid being blamed. 
• Society doesn’t recognize the person’s relationship to the deceased . A co-worker or friend may mourn a person, but they will likely receive less support than a family member. The same is true for ex-spouses, even though they used to be family. In societies with systemic homophobia , same-sex partners may also have disenfranchised grief.
• Others do not consider the person capable of grief . When young children experience loss, adults may misinterpret signs of bereavement. They may believe the child is not capable of understanding the loss or have prolonged feelings about it. People who have cognitive impairments or intellecutal disabilities may also have disenfranchised grief.

Disenfranchised grief can interfere with the bereavement process. If society does not recognize a loss, the person may have trouble accepting it themselves. They may try to repress or deny their emotions. Shame and secrecy can make the symptoms of grief more severe.

Social support is often vital to recovery. A community can provide emotional and financial aid when people are vulnerable. Mourning rituals can offer closure . If a person is forced to grieve alone, they may have a delayed recovery.  

If you have lost someone or something precious, you may wish to find a therapist . Therapy can help with any sort of loss, whether society validates the grief or not. Therapy is an opportunity to explore your feelings and memories without judgment. No loss is too big or too small to warrant support. You do not have to endure your grief alone.

References:

• Doka, K. (2002). Disenfranchised Grief. In K. J. Doka (Ed.), Living with Grief: Loss in Later Life (pp. 159-168). Washington, D.C.: The Hospice Foundation of America.
• Gilbert, K. (2007, August 26). HPER F460/F450: Ambiguous Loss and Disenfranchised Grief, unit 9 notes . Retrieved from http://www.indiana.edu/~famlygrf/units/ambiguous.html
• Gire, J. (2014). How Death Imitates Life: Cultural Influences on Conceptions of Death and Dying. Online Readings in Psychology and Cultur e , 6 (2). Retrieved from https://scholarworks.gvsu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?referer=https://www.google.com/&httpsredir=1&article=1120&context=orpc
• Is broken heart syndrome real? (2017, December 12). American Heart Association. Retrieved from http://www.heart.org/HEARTORG/Conditions/More/Cardiomyopathy/Is-Broken-Heart-Syndrome-Real_UCM_448547_Article.jsp#.Ww3GkUgvyM8
• Kersting, K. (2004, November). A New Approach to Complicated Grief. Monitor on Psychology, 35 (10). Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/monitor/nov04/grief.aspx
• Klass, D., Silverman, P. R., & Nickman, S. L. (1996). Continuing bonds: New understandings of grief. Philadelphia, PA: Taylor & Francis.
• Major Depressive Disorder and the “Bereavement Exclusion”. (n.d.) American Psychiatric Association. Retrieved from http://www.dsm5.org/Documents/Bereavement%20Exclusion%20Fact%20Sheet.pdf
• Wakefield, J. C. (2013). DSM-5 grief scorecard: Assessment and outcomes of proposals to pathologize grief. World Psychiatr y. Retrieved from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3683270
• Why we need to take pet loss seriously. (2018, May 22). Scientific American . Retrieved from Dishttps://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-we-need-to-take-pet-loss-seriously

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Personal Grief and Loss Essay

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Introduction

The complicated nature of life explains why grieving is a necessary process. The loss of a beloved person can trigger numerous emotions such as guilt, anger, disbelief, and sadness. Coping with sudden death can result in a major challenge. It is agreeable that most of these reactions and emotional responses to loss are natural. That being the case, people should help one another throughout the mourning process in order to find new meaning and move on with life. Those who are in emotional pain should also be allowed to cry in order to support the healing process. The death of my favorite aunt affected me significantly. After the event, it took me five days to accept the fact that my aunt was gone. The purpose of this paper, therefore, is to give a personal experience of loss, grief, and mourning following my aunt’s untimely demise.

The most memorable loss occurred when I was 21 years of age. This was after the death of my maternal aunt. She was only 10 years older. Her untimely death occurred when I was in the United States. Our age gap explains why we used to be close to one another. We could do many things together and support each other. She was shot four times while in Colombia and died instantly.

Although it was hard to explain the circumstances that led to her death, forensic investigations revealed that she had been murdered by robbers for an unknown reason. The victim was a mother-figure to me. As an aunt, she guided, empowered, and encouraged me to pursue most of my dreams. This analysis shows that I was emotionally close to her.

After the loss, I experienced numerous emotional, spiritual, and psychological challenges. Such feelings occurred for several weeks after my aunt’s death. Several reasons can be presented to support this argument. The first one is that I was unable to pursue my goals. This development made it hard for me to meet the needs of my underage daughter. The second example is that I become stressed and troubled. This emotional response occurred after I received the news of her death. The third example is that I was unable to interact with other people. This means that my social competencies were affected greatly. After the death, it took me five days to accept the fact that she was gone. Throughout this period, I could dial her cell-phone number to confirm that she was not with us anymore. This was the case because I felt stressed and discontented with everything in life. The pain in my body was also unbearable.

I was unable to focus on my spiritual goals and mental status. However, I managed to cope with the loss after several months due to the support received from different family members. For instance, my husband was helpful throughout this troubling period. It should also be observed that my failure to attend her funeral might have affected my healing process. This is the reason why individuals who have lost their beloved ones should be advised, guided, and supported accordingly.

My mourning process affected the people around me in a number of ways. For instance, I was not able to support or raise up my young daughter. I was also unable to interact freely with my husband and relatives. I also found it hard to interact with my colleagues, relatives, and friends. The good news was that most of my family members were helpful during this emotional period. This was the case because they empowered me to deal with my grief and be in a position to pursue my aims. They were also keen to console and encourage me to remain strong. It is also worth noting that none of the persons around me was hurtful during the time.

The major rituals considered during the time of loss were prayers and fasting. These practices are known to support the mourning process (Burke & Neimeyer, 2014). I also began to smoke as a way of getting rid of stress. I used different links to feel connected to the deceased person. For instance, my grandmother managed to send my aunt’s graduation ring to me. I always wear the ring as a grim reminder of my beloved aunt. I also possess the clothes she was wearing at the time of the murder. I have never washed them and they are bloodstains.

Holdsworth (2015) asserts that human beings use various techniques to manage their lamentation processes. The first technique that can be used to describe my mourning process is that of writing (Eyetsemitan, 2017). It is evident that my aunt had written a letter to me. Due to the nature of her death, I had not responded to her letter. This is something that has been haunting me over the years. I also have many things in my heart that I was never given the opportunity to say to my aunt. For instance, I did not tell her how she was loved and missed. I have many photographs that remind me of our experiences together.

I strongly believed that a number of rituals can still help with the loss today. For instance, I would be happy to be given a chance to visit her grave. I would mourn and pray on her grave in order to complete my mourning process. Personally, I think that the intensity of my loss could not be sensationalized by the media. This is the reason why I decided to engage in smoking. These aspects show conclusively that my mourning process was complicated (Burke & Neimeyer, 2014). This argument can be supported by the fact that it is several years after the loss and I am yet to heal completely. I also experienced intense rumination, pain, and sorrow during the period. The decision to hold on to her belongings also explains why the process was complicated.

It is agreeable that this loss occurred at a time when I was not aware of the nature of suffering (Hordan & Litz, 2014). With more knowledge, I would have kept myself busy, interacted with more people, and read different materials to support the mourning process. I would have also attended her funeral in order to stop feeling guilty.

There are various complicated mourning issues that have kept me stuck in my mourning process. The first one is that it has taken me many years to be in a position to talk about my aunt. It has been hard for me to accept the fact that she is no longer around us. The second issue is that minor events or memories can trigger intense or painful reactions (Worden, 2008). Sometimes I can start to cry after remembering her.

This course has made it easier for me to learn a number of things about myself. The first observation is that the loss of a close relative or friend can affect me negatively. Such an occurrence can make it hard for me to achieve my goals or interact with others. The second lesson is that I can address most of my emotional and psychological challenges. This is the case because I managed to deal with this loss successfully. It is also clear that I have gained numerous ideas and concepts about mourning from this course. For instance, I have known that individuals should be guided and empowered throughout the period (Eyetsemitan, 2017). People should also be allowed to cry and mourn throughout their lamentation periods.

My discussion shows clearly that my aunt was like a sister to me and a big confidant who supported everything I was doing. This means that she was always close to me. Since she was young, we used to share ideas and live like sisters. Despite these feelings of pain and anguish, it should be observed that the mourning process empowered me to develop better concepts that can be used to support others. The ideas gained from this course can also meet the needs of persons who have lost their friends or relatives. My experience after the loss of my aunt echoes most of the challenges faced by many mourning persons. It is, therefore, necessary for those who are in grief to keep themselves busy and interact with others to prevent any suicidal thoughts. Mourners should also never be avoided. Consequently, these lessons will empower me to guide others in the future.

Burke, L. A., & Neimeyer, R. A. (2014). Spiritual distress in bereavement: Evolution of a research program. Religions, 5, 1087-1115. Web.

Eyetsemitan, F. (2017). Employee grief, workplace culture, and implications for worker productivity and psychopathology. Acta Psychopathologica, 3 (4), 1-3. Web.

Holdsworth, M. (2015). Bereaved carers’ accounts of the end of life and the role of care providers in a ‘good death’: A qualitative study. Palliative Medicine, 29 (9), 834-841.

Hordan, A. H., & Litz, B. T. (2014). Prolonged grief disorder: Diagnostic, assessment, and treatment considerations. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 45 (3), 180-187. Web.

Worden, J. W. (2008). Grief counseling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner (4th ed.). New York, NY: Springer Publishing.

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The Loss of a Loved One Hits Hard—Does It Ever Get Easier?

You can work through your grief while still honoring your loss

Filmstax / Getty Images

How to Cope in the Immediate Aftermath of Loss

How to cope after time has passed, can you ever really move on from the loss of a loved one.

If you have lost a loved one, you've probably already realized that there are so many emotions and feelings that come along with an unexpected or expected loss of a loved one.

To find out how people work through their grief while still honoring their loss, we interviewed Frank Anderson, MD, a psychotherapist and psychiatrist who specializes in the treatment of trauma.

At a Glance

No matter where we are in our grieving process , it's important to remember that our feelings are valid, and we're not on anyone else's timeline when it comes to healing. While grief comes in waves, some helpful ways to cope include showing ourselves compassion and embracing all the emotions, looking back on the memories (even the negative ones), and remembering that healing takes time. Don't forget—we can always lean on our loved ones and mental health professionals for support.

Dr. Anderson explains that, in today's culture, there's often a lot of pressure to move on and heal quickly after a loss. So, he's adamant that the goal shouldn't be to just move on and get over someone.

Remember to Show Yourself Compassion

Healing takes time, and we should show ourselves patience and grace as we work through our grief at our own pace.

Frank Anderson, MD

My goal when working with someone who has suffered a loss is to help them hold on to what they need or want to hold on to and to let go of what no longer serves them or needs to be carried.

Allow Yourself to Experience a Range of Emotions

Instead of focusing on distinct phases of grief and trying to rush through them, research actually shows that it can be harmful to stick so staunchly to these preconceived ideas of what the stages will look like, especially for people who don't feel like that has been their experience.

Dr. Anderson reiterates this advice by saying that the goal should be to settle into a peaceful mental place rather than worrying about where you think you're supposed to be.

Anderson describes the fairly common experience of someone dealing with a loss: they receive an overflow of love and support in the immediate aftermath of the loss then experience feelings of isolation as everyone else tends to go back to normal.

Remember That Healing Takes Time

While it's easy to fall into feeling like you need to move on, it's OK to take time to grieve. Dr. Anderson reiterates that it takes time to process all of the feelings that accompany a loss, and people should feel comfortable taking as much time as they need.

He notes that he often finds himself reminding clients that it's only been a short period of time when they express feelings of wanting to be past their feelings of grief. "The passage of time is important when dealing with grief and loss," he says.

Dr. Anderson discusses some ways in which he helps clients heal after some time has passed following the loss of a loved one.

Embrace Memories

In general, Anderson encourages people to embrace memories or dreams that continually pop up, even if time has passed.

"I find that people who constantly think about the person or repeatedly replay memories or scenarios related to their loved one often have parts of them that are trying to keep the memories alive," says Anderson.

By this, he means that the mind is trying to keep the memory of that person alive and well. While this may feel like you can't move past something, it could be that your mind is trying to hold on to the memories that brought you joy.

Anderson also specifies that if your mind is constantly replaying something, it may mean that it's an important memory that could bring you peace as you heal.

Don't Bury Your Feelings

Dr. Anderson explains that he encourages his clients to focus on what they are feeling in the present moment, which can often lead to healing. When people do this successfully, people will often feel more validated having truly considered what they are feeling.

Finding Meaning From the Loss

Research has shown that many people arrive at a place of healing after they feel that they have found meaning and context from their loss. This is especially relevant when people can allow different feelings to exist at once, meaning that they can accept their sadness and yet still hold on to the meaning of the relationship. This can help people get to a place where it's easier to regulate their emotions.

Remember That Negative Memories Are Normal

It can be especially hard to cope with the loss of a loved one if you feel like you never made peace with them over something personal. It's also common for people to keep replaying everything that they could have done to provide them with better mental, emotional, or physical support.

While these things are normal, it's understandable if they make healing more difficult.

" Negative memories or feelings of guilt are also a normal part of the grieving process," says Dr. Anderson. "I help clients explore the origins of these feelings."

Especially when clients are continually re-hashing things that they wish they had done, Dr. Anderson says he works to "validate these parts of my client, letting them know I understand why they would feel this way and gently help them come to terms with the vulnerability and true lack of control any of us have over the inevitability of loss in our lives."

While finding meaning after a loss is often mentioned, it can be hard to know exactly what that means.

To help figure this out, researchers followed people after the loss of loved ones and checked in with them immediately after, one year, 13 months, and 18 months after their losses.

For their study, they chose to define meaning as the ability to make sense of the event itself and find a benefit in the experience.

Making sense of the loss was important during the first year, and even resulted in less stress. However, benefit-finding was more important in determining the person's ability to adjust in the long term.

This definitely supports the idea that the ability to derive meaning while still feeling sadness and other emotions can be critical to getting to a place of healing.

What exactly moving on looks like will be different for every individual. It means that you are able to reach a place where you don't think about them every minute of every day, or even that you reach a place wherein you're comforted by running across reminders of the loved one.

The Type of Loss Matters

The ability to heal can also depend on if the loss was anticipated or sudden. Research has shown that sudden losses can lead to close family members experiencing PTSD , and it can be helpful to consider group therapy . Families who have had to face caring for a loved one that was dealing with a long-term illness tend to face more feelings of helplessness , primarily tied to their desire to help care for their loved one when they were alive.

What This Means For You

No matter where you are in your healing process, it's important to prioritize your mental health . Healing is never a straight line, and it can often feel uncomfortable. Try to avoid comparing your healing journey to anyone else and their coping strategies . Allow yourself to heal at the pace that you need. And never ever feel guilty about reaching out for help from mental health professionals or from your friends and loved ones.

Stroebe M, Schut H, Boerner K. Cautioning Health-Care Professionals .  Omega (Westport) . 2017;74(4):455-473. doi:10.1177/0030222817691870

Bonanno GA, Kaltman S. Toward an integrative perspective on bereavement . Psychological Bulletin. 1999;125(6):760–776.

Davis CG, Nolen-Hoeksema S, Larson J. Making sense of loss and benefiting from the experience: Two construals of meaning .  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 1998;75(2):561–574.

Martinez M. " Healing Anxiety Associated With Sudden Loss Trauma Via a Group Art Therapy Experience ." Art Therapy Master's Theses in Print . 2004, 116.

Perreault A, Fothergill-Bourbonnais F, Fiset V. The experience of family members caring for a dying loved one .  International Journal of Palliative Nursing. 2013;10(3).

By Brittany Loggins Brittany is a health and lifestyle writer and former staffer at TODAY on NBC and CBS News. She's also contributed to dozens of magazines.

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Coping With Grief and Loss, Essay Example

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There are a number of individuals who are not cognizant of the right methods of how to deal with suffering once it shows its face upon their threshold. The result of this can sometimes be even more suffering. For example, say one ’ s parents were killed by a serial killer. The parent ’ s son, if he did not know any better, would attempt to get the serial killer by any means necessary. Ultimately, this would end up in even more individuals injuring themselves and possibly death. Therefore, the reason as to why it is so imperative that individuals are always aware of the correct methods of coping with difficult situations is so that they are able to remain cool, even when confronted with the toughest tribulations in their own respective lives.

There are a number theories that are presented in the book “Death Society and Human Experience ’ . ” What is most admirable about this book is the manner in which it is able to instruct individuals on how to deal with the hardest situations that they might be dealing with. More than often, the toughest situation that one must go through is having to deal with the death of a loved one. When this happens, there are usually five steps that an ordinary person would go through: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While each steps stands for something that a specific person is going through at a certain time in their lives, some individuals do not necessarily go through these five steps.

The first, denial, is ever so common. This usually takes place immediately after an individual is told bad news. If, for example, an individual was told that his mother had just passed away, this individual would invariably deny it because of the manner in which he would not want to believe that. Despite the fact that the individual ’ s subconscious would be telling him or her that his or her mother is in all actuality dead, the individual would keep denying it. This is because many individuals initially think that if they deny something long enough, then it must not be real. Essentially, what is being done when this type of mentality is adopted is that individuals are trying to trick their mind into believing something that is not real. Although rare, there are some individuals who remain at this stage for the rest of their lives. In the example presented, this would mean that the individual would spend the rest of his or her life believing that his or her mother is alive somewhere. It goes without saying that this type of mentality is extremely dangerous to the individual, given that he or she might at times need psychotherapy.

The second stage of grief, anger, is not always presented. Going back to the example that was presented, the individual would most probably only be angry that his or her mother passed away if it were due to a tragic event, such as a murdering. In this scenario, then the individual would unquestionably be angry with the individual who murdered his or her mother. A common trend that has been noticed throughout the years as well is the fact that religious individuals often blame their gods for the taking of life. Despite the fact that these are not the only considerations that might make an individual angry over the death of someone, they are the most common.

The third, bargaining, is a pivotal point in the five stages of grief. This is the point in which the individual realizes what actually happened and he or she truly believes what has happened. This is often where an individual tries to make amends with what has happened by  attempting to make things right. He or she is often seen trying to make up for what happened. While this is not always the case, if an individual were to feel guilty about something, this would be the point in which he or she would try to get rid of that guilt by trying to make up for his or her actions. Clearly, bargaining would not work in the case of someone dying, given that there is no manner in which to justify a death. However, in smaller-case scenarios, it has been known that individuals would be willing to go to far lengths in order to justify their actions.

Bargaining leads to depression, the fourth stage. After the individual realizes what has happened and the fact that there is no manner by which the individual can make things right again, he or she might go into depression. There are many levels of depression. Some individuals do not have a big case of depression while others do. Those with extenuating depression are often admitted in clinics where the individual cannot cause self-harm. While no individual reacts in the same manner to the number of circumstances that are presented to him or her throughout his or her lifetime, it has been known that a number of depressed individuals at some point in their lives attempt suicide. This is done because of the idea that they would much rather die than live on the earth knowing what they have done. However, even if they have not done anything, much like the example presented before where the individual ’ s mother was murdered, depression may still be present. The mother ’ s son might, in fact, be so sad about what happened to his or her mother that he or she would rather leave the face of the earth than keep living without her in his or her everyday life. Despite the fact that suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem, numerous individuals do not have this perspective for themselves.

The fifth and final stage of grief is acceptance, given that the individual makes it this far. The reason this is said as such is because of the manner in which there are so many individual  who get stuck in the previous stages of grief. More than often, it takes years and at times decades for an individual to find peace with the actions that has evolved throughout his or her life. Therefore, this is saying that there are many who are never able to bring themselves out of denial or even depression. The fact that there are individuals who get stuck at the first stage of grief is ultimately sad. Grief has been known to ruin people ’ s lives, and the longer one holds on to a specific grief, the more probably it is that individual will not make it out of the five stages of grief. What is great about the final stage, acceptance, is that this is the point in the grieving process where the individual finally accepts everything that has happened to him or her. Now, this is not to say that the individual is content with the end result of the what happened, but it is to say that the individual has come to embrace the fact that what happened was a tragedy but that it is time to move on.

Something that must be duly noted is the fact that not every single individual goes through the five stages of grief. There are some individuals who skip the first four stages and go right into acceptance. While this is not common (given that emotions often times interfere with individuals ’ reactions), it does happen. In a similar manner, there are those who jump right from denial to depression. This is often the saddest outcome, given that the individual ’ s family members must be spectators to the individual not getting any better after the misfortune that took place.

While I cannot say that I have ever gone through the five stages of grief, there have been adverse times in my life in which I have had to refer to at least one or two of the stages. Despite the fact that there have been no death-related misfortunes in my life thus far, I would be lying if I said that my life has always been perfect. There have been numerous instances in my life where I  have had to deal with misfortunes and still put a brave face on. An important aspect that I have discovered throughout the course of my life is that it is alway best to forgive and forget. What I mean by this is that, while it is okay to grieve and mourn over great tribulations, one should always put in one ’ s best efforts into achieving the fifth stage of grief, acceptance. I have found that this is without a doubt the most useful tool in being able to get over something tragic that has happened because of the manner in which it teaches that everything will be okay. When the most difficult times have been presented to me, I have learned to try my best to avoid the other stages of grief and go straight into acceptance.

 Now, this is not to say that I will accept any misfortune that happens to me, but I do find it a necessity to always accept what happened unfolded before me. The reason as to why I find this imperative is because when one does not come forth and come to terms with the bad things that have happened, this is the point where one eventually becomes depressed. While I did say that I have not had much misfortunes in terms of family deaths, I have certainly failed before. When I did not get into many of the schools I hoped to get into, when I did not get my coveted job, when I was not able to get the girl of my dreams at the times; all of those have been characterized as failures. While some individual would have let those failures in their lives stop them, I have always made it a point to keep moving forward, no matter what happens.

 The reason I so strongly believe in this is because I know that when I stop and take a break to look at all my past failures, they will be overwhelming. Therefore, I have become cognizant of the actuality that is okay to fail sometimes, because only through failure can one truly learn to appreciate success. What I mean by this is that if a person would always achieve success in every single thing that he or she does and then failed in one simple task years later,  this individual would most probably not know how to correctly deal with the circumstances at hand. Since the individual would be so used to winning in everything that he or she has done throughout the course of his or her life, failure would definitely not be something that he or she is used to. Failure for that specific person would mean that he or she is no longer good enough for what life asks for. Therefore, I have made it a point in my life to always immediately come to terms with what has happened and put in my best efforts into bringing peace into my life every single day.

 My interests in issues of grief and loss are vast. I have always had an intriguing side of me that makes the most profound questions about how to be able to help individual when they are dealing with the most difficult things in their life. Invariably, this course has been able to teach me everything that I expected to learn and them some. My personal interests for this course was simply to fulfill my intuitive side of me which always begs for knowledge. I was clearly able to fulfill this objective, given that I was always able to keep my eyes on the prize; the price being knowledge. Before taking this specific course, I had my doubts of whether I would truly learn something worthwhile. Furthermore, I had my doubts of whether what I learned in the course would allow me to help individuals in their everyday lives.

 I am proud to say that I have been able to achieve and surpass every single goal that I have set for myself in this course. Of course, it took long hours of studying and sleepless nights to get to this point, but as the course comes to a conclusion, I cannot say that I have never been happier. I am sure of the fact that what I was able to acquire from this course will help me lead a successful life in helping other individual who need assistance in their everyday lives. I now  know that whatever I dedicate my life to, I will be successful because of the manner in which it is intrinsically in me to want to lend a hand to all those who require it.

 My personal style of dealing with loss has been changed throughout the years. The reason this has happened is because of my upbringing and all of the environmental factors that played a role into developing me into the kind of individual that I am today. I was privileged enough to be born into a loving family who always put in their best efforts to provide for everything that I needed and everything that I wanted. Despite the fact that I was not able to get all of the toys that I wanted when I was a little kid, I was certainly grown into a caring family who always wanted what was best for me, despite my bad behavior. Because of this, I believe that my family has played the greatest influence on me in terms of learning how to deal with grief.          

 My parents always taught me that every single little thing happens for a reason, whether good or bad. At the time, I only took those words at face-value, but now that I have become more mature and grown into a much more knowledgeable human being, I know exactly what my parents meant by these words. I was born and raised in Sichuan, China. The year of 2008, a great conflict confronted this city: an earthquake. The “ Great Sichuan Earthquake ” , as it is often times referred to, affected all of the individuals that I had ever known in my life. Thankfully, I had only a few scratches after the earthquake, but the same could not be said about many of the individuals I had known throughout the course of my life. I was fortunate enough to not have anyone close to me die due to the earthquake, but others were not so lucky.

 Not long after the earthquake, I found myself going out into the streets each and every day and trying to help those who needed assistance. Given the fact that the earthquakes was of a 8.0 magnitude on the Richter scale, it goes without saying that the city appeared as if a bulldozer  had destroyed everything over-night. This came as a great misfortune, immediately killing off about 70,000 individuals. Even months after the earthquake, the aftermath was still extremely visible. I later found a deep hold in my hole knowing that I would not be able to improve the lives of everyone who had suffered that dreadful day. My parents, seeing as how I was using depression as my coping mechanism, called me into their room. Once inside, they started giving me their speech about how everything happens for a reason. As I confronted them and interrogated them on how this could have happened for a good reason, they told me that it happened so that I could learn to love my neighbor ’ s and develop a loving relationship for even those people who I did not know. In my opinion, this was the pivotal point in my life where I was able to learn that acceptance is a much better coping mechanism than depression. From that day on, I have always made it a point to accept the tragic events that unfold throughout my eyes in the course of my life and put in my best efforts afterwards at improving the situation that is being presented in whatever way I can.

 Because of the manner in which I grew up, I have no value-oriented or ethical conflicts when attempting to help people. I will always go out of my way to help someone who might need assistance. I do this because I know that if I am not the person to help that certain individual at that specific time, then who will? I have made it a great point in my life to always give back to the community that has formulated me into the kind of person that I am today. I have realized throughout the years that I am not able to change the world by myself, but that I am certainly able to improve the lives of others. Slowly but surely, I know that I will be able to change the world by changing the individual ’ s within the world. While this may sound far-fetched to some, i  believe that what I do each and everyday is completely honest work. Because of that, I take great pride whenever I am able to alleviate the pain of someone.

 I do not have a problem with specific groups of people or specific illnesses. Something that my parents always made sure of was that I made sure that I knew how to treat all kinds of people with respect. There instilled in me a yearning to want to help everyone in need, regardless of what their situation might be. Therefore, because of my upbringing, I intend to do everything that it takes to be able to improve the lives of everyone who might be in need of anything. I realize that there are many methods of coping that many individuals use in order to improve their situation at hand. Unfortunately, some individual use drugs as their last resort in order to be able to improve their situation. When I see this, I am torn to pieces because I know that these people are so much more than what they are seeking out to be. I have developed the ability to see the potential in people when they cannot see it in themselves, and when they are looking for methods of coping with difficult situations, I make it my focus to make these individuals realize the great potential that they all have.

 I am well aware that helping everyone in the world is not a possibility, but ensuring that the maximum amount of individuals that I come across on a daily basis are well aware of the kind of coping mechanisms that they should have is my top priority. I would never want one of my friends to refer to depression and then suicide simply because he or she did not know how to move on to the next step of the grieving process, acceptance. While I am certainly no expert when it comes to how individuals should come to the fifth stage, I know that I have the natural ability to make individuals realize that they lives are far from over when they come across  something difficult in their everyday lives. Therefore, I intend to spend the rest of my life being able to help all kind of people, regardless of what career I choose.

 Throughout this course, I was able to develop a genuine passion on how to deal with grief and I strongly believe in the idea that by sharing my knowledge acquired in this course with other individuals, they too, will understand that the human experience is often times a bumpy one. Despite this bumpy road, I hope that individuals will often times come to understand that the road is all part of the experience as well. I want everyone to realize that while their personal lives might at times be extremely difficult to deal with, there is nothing wrong with grieving every once in a while. The reason this holds true is because so many people repress their feelings until they no longer see that as an alternative and go straight into depression. I intend to make individuals realize that after the grieving process, it is then time to learn accept the factors that have contributed to one ’ s unhappiness and learn to move on with time. Sure, this is something that will not be easily achieved, but I strongly believe that if I put in the work necessary to obtain this goal, I will achieve it sooner or later.

 T he reason as to why it is so imperative that individuals are always aware of the correct methods of coping with difficult situations is so that they are able to remain cool, even when confronted with the toughest tribulations in their own respective lives. Once people come to learn of the importance of knowing how to deal with difficult situations, regardless of the chaos going on around their lives every day, they will be able to become better human beings. This is said as such because of the manner in which they will learn how to deal with all kinds of tasks. With this kind of knowledge, these individuals will be able to teach the same to other people and, in time, everyone will be well aware of how to deal with misfortunes in their lives.

Works Cited

“Coping with Grief and Loss: Understanding the Grieving Process.” Coping with Grief and Loss  Understanding the Grieving Process. Helpguide.org, n.d. Web. 26 June 2015.

Mayo Clinic. “Depression (major Depression) Coping and Support – Mayo Clinic.” Depression  (major depressive disorder). Mayo Clinic, n.d. Web. 26 June 2015. 

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Essays About Losing a Loved One: Top 5 Examples

Writing essays about losing a loved one can be challenging; discover our helpful guide with essay examples and writing prompts to help you begin writing. 

One of the most basic facts of life is that it is unpredictable. Nothing on this earth is permanent, and any one of us can pass away in the blink of an eye. But unfortunately, they leave behind many family members and friends who will miss them very much whenever someone dies.

The most devastating news can ruin our best days, affecting us negatively for the next few months and years. When we lose a loved one, we also lose a part of ourselves. Even if the loss can make you feel hopeless at times, finding ways to cope healthily, distract yourself, and move on while still honoring and remembering the deceased is essential.

5 Top Essay Examples

1. losing a loved one by louis barker, 2. personal reflections on coping and loss by adrian furnham , 3. losing my mom helped me become a better parent by trish mann, 4. reflection – dealing with grief and loss by joe joyce.

• 5. ​​Will We Always Hurt on The Anniversary of Losing a Loved One? by Anne Peterson

1. Is Resilience Glorified in Society?

2. how to cope with a loss, 3. reflection on losing a loved one, 4. the stages of grief, 5. the circle of life, 6. how different cultures commemorate losing a loved one.

“I managed to keep my cool until I realized why I was seeing these familiar faces. Once the service started I managed to keep my emotions in tack until I saw my grandmother break down. I could not even look up at her because I thought about how I would feel in the same situation. Your life can change drastically at any moment. Do not take life or the people that you love for granted, you are only here once.”

Barker reflects on how he found out his uncle had passed away. The writer describes the events leading up to the discovery, contrasting the relaxed, cheerful mood and setting that enveloped the house with the feelings of shock, dread, and devastation that he and his family felt once they heard. He also recalls his family members’ different emotions and mannerisms at the memorial service and funeral. 

“Most people like to believe that they live in a just, orderly and stable world where good wins out in the end. But what if things really are random? Counselors and therapists talk about the grief process and grief stages. Given that nearly all of us have experienced major loss and observed it in others, might one expect that people would be relatively sophisticated in helping the grieving?”

Furnham, a psychologist, discusses the stages of grief and proposes six different responses to finding out about one’s loss or suffering: avoidance, brief encounters, miracle cures, real listeners, practical help, and “giving no quarter.” He discusses this in the context of his wife’s breast cancer diagnosis, after which many people displayed these responses. Finally, Furnham mentions the irony that although we have all experienced and observed losing a loved one, no one can help others grieve perfectly.

“When I look in the mirror, I see my mom looking back at me from coffee-colored eyes under the oh-so-familiar crease of her eyelid. She is still here in me. Death does not take what we do not relinquish. I have no doubt she is sitting beside me when I am at my lowest telling me, ‘You can do this. You got this. I believe in you.’”

In Mann’s essay, she tries to see the bright side of her loss; despite the anguish she experienced due to her mother’s passing. Expectedly, she was incredibly depressed and had difficulty accepting that her mom was gone. But, on the other hand, she began to channel her mom into parenting her children, evoking the happy memories they once shared. She is also amused to see the parallels between her and her kids with her and her mother growing up. 

“Now I understood that these feelings must be allowed expression for as long as a person needs. I realized that the “don’t cry” I had spoken on many occasions in the past was not of much help to grieving persons, and that when I had used those words I had been expressing more my own discomfort with feelings of grief and loss than paying attention to the need of mourners to express them.”

Joyce, a priest, writes about the time he witnessed the passing of his cousin on his deathbed. Having experienced this loss right as it happened, he was understandably shaken and realized that all his preachings of “don’t cry” were unrealistic. He compares this instance to a funeral he attended in Pakistan, recalling the importance of letting grief take its course while not allowing it to consume you. 

5. ​​ Will We Always Hurt on The Anniversary of Losing a Loved One? by Anne Peterson

“Death. It’s certain. And we can’t do anything about that. In fact, we are not in control of many of the difficult circumstances of our lives, but we are responsible for how we respond to them. And I choose to honor their memory.”

Peterson discusses how she feels when she has to commemorate the anniversary of losing a loved one. She recalls the tragic deaths of her sister, two brothers, and granddaughter and describes her guilt and anger. Finally, she prays to God, asking him to help her; because of a combination of prayer and self-reflection, she can look back on these times with peace and hope that they will reunite one day. 

6 Thought-Provoking Writing Prompts on Essays About Losing A Loved One

Society tends to praise those who show resilience and strength, especially in times of struggle, such as losing a loved one. However, praising a person’s resilience can prevent them from feeling the pain of loss and grief. This essay explores how glorifying resilience can prevent a person from healing from painful events. Be sure to include examples of this issue in society and your own experiences, if applicable.

Loss is always tricky, especially involving someone close to your heart. Reflect on your personal experiences and how you overcame your grief for an effective essay. Create an essay to guide readers on how to cope with loss. If you can’t pull ideas from your own experiences, research and read other people’s experiences with overcoming loss in life.

If you have experienced losing a loved one, use this essay to describe how it made you feel. Discuss how you reacted to this loss and how it has impacted who you are today. Writing an essay like this may be sensitive for many. If you don’t feel comfortable with this topic, you can write about and analyze the loss of a loved one in a book, movie, or TV show you have seen. 

When we lose a loved one, grief is expected. There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Discuss each one and how they all connect. You can write a compelling essay by including examples of how the different stages are manifested in books, television, and maybe even your own experiences. 

Death is often regarded as a part of a so-called “circle of life,” most famously shown through the film, The Lion King . In summary, it explains that life goes on and always ends with death. For an intriguing essay topic, reflect on this phrase and discuss what it means to you in the context of losing a loved one. For example, perhaps keeping this in mind can help you cope with the loss. 

Different cultures have different traditions, affected by geography, religion, and history. Funerals are no exception to this; in your essay, research how different cultures honor their deceased and compare and contrast them. No matter how different they may seem, try finding one or two similarities between your chosen traditions. 

If you’d like to learn more, our writer explains how to write an argumentative essay in this guide.For help picking your next essay topic, check out our 20 engaging essay topics about family .

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Narrative Essay on Losing a Loved One

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Losing a loved one is a profound experience that reshapes our lives in ways we never imagined. It’s a journey through grief that challenges our resilience, alters our perspectives, and ultimately teaches us about the depth of love and the impermanence of life. This narrative essay explores the emotional odyssey of losing a loved one, weaving through the stages of grief, the search for meaning, and the slow, often painful, journey towards healing.

The Unthinkable Reality

It was an ordinary Tuesday morning when the phone rang, shattering the normalcy of my life. The voice on the other end was calm yet distant, bearing the kind of news that instantly makes your heart sink. My beloved grandmother, who had been battling a long illness, had passed away in her sleep. Despite the inevitability of this moment, I was not prepared for the crushing weight of the reality that I would never see her again. The initial shock was numbing, a protective cloak that shielded me from the full impact of my loss.

The Onslaught of Grief

In the days that followed, grief washed over me in waves. At times, it was a quiet sadness that lingered in the background of my daily activities. At others, it was a torrential downpour of emotions, leaving me gasping for air. I struggled with the finality of death, replaying our last conversations, wishing for one more moment to express my love and gratitude. Anger, confusion, and disbelief intermingled, forming a tumultuous storm of feelings I could neither control nor understand.

The rituals of mourning—funeral arrangements, sympathy cards, and memorial services—offered a semblance of structure amidst the chaos. Yet, they also served as stark reminders of the gaping void left by my grandmother’s absence. Stories and memories shared by friends and family painted a rich tapestry of her life, highlighting the profound impact she had on those around her. Through tear-stained eyes, I began to see the extent of my loss, not just as a personal tragedy but as a collective one.

The Search for Meaning

As the initial shock subsided, my grief evolved into a quest for meaning. I sought solace in religion, philosophy, and the arts, searching for answers to the unanswerable questions of life and death. I learned that grief is a universal experience, a fundamental part of the human condition that transcends cultures, religions, and time periods. This realization brought a sense of connection to those who had walked this path before me, offering a glimmer of comfort in my darkest moments.

I also found meaning in honoring my grandmother’s legacy. She was a woman of incredible strength, kindness, and wisdom, who had touched the lives of many. By embodying her values and continuing her work, I could keep her spirit alive. Volunteering, pursuing passions that we shared, and passing on her stories to younger generations became ways to heal and to make sense of a world without her.

The Journey Towards Healing

Healing from the loss of a loved one is neither linear nor predictable. There were days when I felt overwhelmed by sadness, and others when I could smile at fond memories. I learned to accept that grief is not something to be “overcome” but rather integrated into my life. It has become a part of who I am, shaping my understanding of love, loss, and the preciousness of life.

Support from friends, family, and sometimes strangers, who shared their own stories of loss, played a crucial role in my healing process. Their empathy and understanding provided a safe space to express my feelings, to cry, to laugh, and to remember. Counseling and support groups offered additional perspectives and coping strategies, highlighting the importance of seeking help and connection in times of sorrow.

Reflections on Love and Loss

Through this journey, I have come to understand that the pain of loss is a testament to the depth of our love. Grieving deeply means we have loved deeply, and this is both the curse and the beauty of human connections. The scars of loss never truly fade, but they become bearable, interwoven with the love and memories we hold dear.

Losing a loved one is a transformative experience that teaches us about resilience, compassion, and the enduring power of love. It reminds us to cherish the time we have with those we love, to express our feelings openly, and to live fully in the present moment. While the absence of a loved one leaves an irreplaceable void, their influence continues to shape our lives in profound ways.

In closing, the journey through grief is uniquely personal, yet universally shared. It challenges us to find strength we didn’t know we had, to seek connection in our shared humanity, and to discover meaning in the face of loss. Though we may never “get over” the loss of a loved one, we learn to carry their legacy forward, finding solace in the love that never dies but transforms over time.

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Tips for Grieving the Loss of a Loved One to COVID-19

May 27, 2020

https://www.uchicagomedicine.org/forefront/coronavirus-disease-covid-19/tips-for-grieving-the-loss-of-a-loved-one-to-covid-19

Working through the grief process is difficult whenever we lose someone close to us. But coping and healing after a death related to the coronavirus is even more complicated.

Taking someone off life support, not saying goodbye or not holding a funeral can bring on feelings similar to those experienced after a trauma. While you are coping with strain and anxiety, the inundation of COVID-19 news is a constant reminder of the cause of your sadness and loss. Also, due to stay-at-home orders and shutdowns, the usual ways we cope with stress — hobbies, self-care, physically being with family or friends, and doing enjoyable activities — may not be available to us. All these factors make bereavement a much greater challenge and call for extra care and consideration for your well-being while grieving.

I recently started a Grief Support Group for those who have lost a family member at UChicago Medicine to COVID-19. These weekly Zoom meetings are designed to allow participants to support each other, connect over similarities and discuss strategies to interact with feelings. In grief counseling, the goal is not to make the feelings go away, but to learn how to cope.

If you have lost someone to COVID-19, these strategies may be helpful:

Observe, name and acknowledge the feelings that come up around the loss

There may be a “storm” of emotions that threaten to blow you away, and that’s normal. Breathing slowly in addition to focusing on your breath are ways that you can “drop an anchor” in this emotional storm. Ups and downs are expected in the grief journey and we can get carried away by them at times. At any time or place, we can always access our breath and body. What are the things that can bring you back into the present moment?

Exercise some self-compassion

It is tempting to blame ourselves for various aspects of the loss, judge ourselves for the way we are responding, or lose patience with our own journey of healing. However, this often serves to increase our suffering. What if we were to show ourselves some kindness? Try placing your hand over your heart and remind yourself that you are human, you are grieving and you will move through the pain. What type of compassion would you give to a friend or family member if they were struggling?

Engage in self-care

Take care of yourself during this time despite the limitations of the shut-down. We may need to be a little creative since the usual hobbies and self-care strategies are not available to us. Consider what helps you to relax, feel nourished in mind and body, and what is enjoyable. Some examples are taking a brief walk outside, journaling, drawing a bath, watching your favorite movie, etc. Eating healthy food, exercising and creating a flexible schedule are also important even if you don’t have the desire or urge to do so.

Remember and honor your loved one in creative ways

It can be easy to get lost in recalling the traumatic circumstances surrounding a death from COVID 19: not being able to say goodbye; maybe your loved one on a ventilator; having to make life/death decisions for your family member; the death happening fast; perhaps being sick ourselves; and/or feeling guilty about what we should have or could have done. These are a normal responses. However, it is helpful to find ways to reminisce about the deceased loved one, including both the “good” and “bad” times. What did that person value? What did you value about the person? What were their hobbies or interests? What impact did they have on you? These can be powerful healing rituals when you engage in conversations with others who knew and loved the person. Think about setting up a phone call or virtual gathering to celebrate your loved one.

Reach out for support

Turning into ourselves during grief often feels natural but this can lead to isolation. The grief journey can be much more bearable when you connect with others for support. Reach out to family or friends who you feel will listen. You can also request that they listen to you rather than attempting to problem solve. Just having validation and love is important during these times. You may also want to consider joining an online grief support group, seeking out individual counseling or reaching out to a hotline to guide you through this difficult time.

Written by: Jessica Jacoby , LCSW

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Dealing with suicide loss

Grieve in your own way, reach out for support, move beyond the question “why”, let go of guilt, anger, and blame, look forward, how to help someone grieve a suicide, suicide grief: coping with a loved one’s suicide.

The loss of someone you love from suicide can be devastating. But there are ways to navigate the shock, confusion, and despair and begin the healing process.

Facing the loss of a loved one is always difficult, but losing someone to suicide can add another level of pain to your grief. The shock and anguish following a suicide can seem overwhelming. As well as mourning your loved one’s passing, you’re likely also wrestling with a host of conflicting emotions and struggling to come to terms with the nature of their death.

You may feel guilty, wishing you’d done more to prevent their suicide, upset at yourself or others for having missed any clues to their intentions, or even angry at your loved one for abandoning you. Many people grieving a suicide start to question the relationship they shared with the person, wondering why it wasn’t enough to keep them alive. Some even experience suicidal thoughts of their own. Compounding all this is the nagging question “Why?”, the replaying of your loved one’s final act over and over in your head, and the constant second guessing of what you could’ve done differently.

At such a devastating time, you may also find yourself having to deal with police questions, media intrusion, and the stigma that suicide can still carry. Suicide may conflict with your culture or religious views, some friends and family may feel too uncomfortable to reach out to you, while others may feel less sympathy for a death that was “self-inflicted”. Denied your usual sources of comfort, you can be left feeling isolated and alone in your grief.

It’s likely you’ll always be left with some unanswered questions about your loved one’s suicide—and the sadness at losing them in such a tragic way will never completely disappear—but there are ways to deal with the pain. As difficult as it may seem at the moment, in time you can learn to come to terms with your loss, resolve your grief, and even gain some level of acceptance in order to move forward with your life.

Speak to a Licensed Therapist

BetterHelp is an online therapy service that matches you to licensed, accredited therapists who can help with depression, anxiety, relationships, and more. Take the assessment and get matched with a therapist in as little as 48 hours.

Suicide loss and complicated grief

The suicide of a loved one is often so sudden, shocking, and deeply disturbing it can trigger a condition known as complicated grief—where the sorrow and pain of your loss remain unresolved and don’t ease up over time, preventing you from resuming your own life and relationships.

You may struggle to focus on anything else, feel numb, detached, and empty, or be unable to accept your loved one’s death, looking for them in familiar places or imagining they’re still alive. You may even feel that life isn’t worth living.

Complicated grief can also lead to major depression , psychological trauma , or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) where you’re plagued by intrusive thoughts, upsetting emotions, and a persistent anxiety that prevents you from functioning in your daily routine. If you’re depressed or traumatized, it’s important to seek help and make the healing changes that will allow you to find some peace and acceptance.

If you have suicidal thoughts…

While your grief can seem overwhelming at the moment, with time you will feel better, especially if you get help. There are many people who want to support you during this difficult time, so please reach out.

Read Suicide Help or visit IASP or Suicide.org to find a helpline in your country.

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States and almost 800,000 people around the world die by suicide every year. Each one leaves behind a host of “suicide survivors,” people who’ve lost someone close to them in this tragic way. But while many other people have suffered a similar loss, it’s important to remember that your grief is highly personal to you. Everyone’s situation is different and there’s no right or wrong way for you to grieve. So, don’t judge yourself by how others are coping or believe that you should be thinking or feeling a certain way.

With any loss, grief often comes in waves , ebbing and flowing, rather than in a set of predictable stages. Any grieving process can take a long time and throw up many difficult and unexpected emotions, but following a suicide, the normal responses to bereavement are often intensified.

[Read: Bereavement: Grieving the Loss of a Loved One]

While your life will forever be changed by the loss of a loved one to suicide—and there’s no way to avoid the emotional barrage of guilt, sorrow, and heartache that comes with that—there are healthier ways for you to cope with the pain.

Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions . You may think it’s better to try to hold yourself together and avoid experiencing all the difficult emotions you’re feeling at the moment. But they exist whether you try to ignore them or not. Attempting to avoid them will only delay and deepen your pain. If you allow yourself to feel even the darkest, most disturbing emotions, you’ll find they’ll start to diminish and the pain you’re experiencing will gradually ease.

For more on learning to connect with your emotions, use HelpGuide’s free Emotional Intelligence Toolkit .

Keep a journal . Even if you’re not yet ready to talk about the difficult thoughts and feelings you’re experiencing, writing them down can provide an important release for your emotions. It may also help to write a letter to your loved one, saying the things you never got to say to them.

Remember your loved one’s life was about more than their suicide . Their final act doesn’t need to define their life. Try to remember and celebrate the important, joyous aspects of their life and of your relationship together. Mark their achievements and share memories, photos, and stories with others who loved them.

Expect ups and downs . The healing process rarely moves in a straight line. Some days your grief may seem more manageable than others. Then a painful reminder such as a birthday, holiday, or a favorite song playing on the radio will cause the waves of pain and sadness to return—even years after your loved one’s suicide.

Take care of yourself . It’s difficult to think about your own health at a time like this. But the stress and trauma you’re experiencing right now can take a serious toll on your mental and physical health. Try to eat healthy food , exercise regularly , get enough sleep , and spend time outdoors, ideally connecting with nature. While it’s tempting to turn to drugs and alcohol to help numb your grief, self-medicating won’t ease the pain and will only create more problems in the long-term.

Be patient . Don’t try to rush the healing process. Other people may move on or want to stop talking about your loss long before you do. If possible, avoid making major life decisions while you still feel overwhelmed by grief.

Don’t try to tough this out on your own. People who’ve lost someone to suicide often withdraw from others because they’re worried about being a burden on others or having their loved one judged. But leaning on others for support can help ease the burden of grief and, when you feel ready, talking about what you’re going through can be an important first step in the healing process. Until that point, you can still draw comfort just from being around understanding friends and family members who care about you.

[Read: Coping with Grief and Loss]

In our society, there remains a stigma attached to both suicide and the mental health problems that are often a contributing factor. Some religions view suicide as a sin, some people will be less sympathetic or want to avoid the subject altogether, while others will seemingly go out of their way to make insensitive or hurtful comments. Even if you can’t rely on a religious leader or certain friends for support, though, there are still many people out there who want to help.

Seek out supportive friends and family . Confide in people you trust to be understanding, who are willing to listen when you want to talk, and won’t judge or tell you how you should be feeling.

Join a bereavement support group , ideally one for those who’ve lost someone to suicide. Being with others who’ve experienced a similar loss can offer invaluable support. You can be free to open up about your feelings without fear of being judged or made to feel awkward. Even if you’d rather just listen, hearing from others in a similar situation can provide hope and make you feel less isolated in your grief.

Talk to a therapist or grief counselor . If you’re struggling to find adequate support, turning to a mental health professional with experience in grief counseling can help. If you don’t have access to therapy, some organizations offer survivor outreach programs where you can talk one-to-one with a volunteer who’s also experienced suicide loss. See the “Get more help” section below for links.

Use social media carefully . Social media can be a useful tool for letting others know about your loved one’s death, allowing people to share their condolences and tributes, and for reaching out to others for support. However, it can also attract a toxic element, people who post insensitive, cruel, or even abusive messages. You may want to limit your social media use to closed groups on platforms such as Facebook or WhatsApp, rather than making public postings that can be read and commented on by anyone.

Talking to others about your loss

Many people find it difficult to talk about their loss, often for fear of how others will react. After the suicide of a loved one, who you choose to confide in and the amount of information you decide to share are always very personal decisions.

You may want to be honest with your closest friends about what happened but simply tell acquaintances that your loved one died and you don’t want to go into details at the moment. You certainly shouldn’t feel obligated to answer any intrusive questions.

Explaining suicide to children

It’s never easy to explain suicide to a child or teen, but lying or trying to shield them from the truth can often cause more hurt, fear, and anxiety in the long-run.

• Try to be as honest as you can while tailoring your explanation to an age-appropriate level. For young children, for example, you could explain that their loved one had an illness that made them so sad they didn’t want to live any longer.
• Make it clear that the child or teen in no way caused or contributed to the person’s death.
• Point out that not everyone who feels sad or depressed dies. If they ever feel that way, they can reach out to you, a crisis line, or other family and friends for help.
• Consider finding a grief counsellor or child bereavement support group to help your child deal with their loss.

When you lose someone to suicide, one question can run over and over in your mind more than any other: “Why did they do it?” Unless the person had been battling a terminal illness and chose suicide as a way of hastening the end, for example, most answers you come up with may feel inadequate. Suicide is very complex. There tend to be many different contributing factors, and rarely any neat, simplistic explanations. Even those who’ve attempted suicide and survived often struggle to provide a clear answer to the question “Why?”

Most people who die by suicide have a mental or emotional health problem such as depression, bipolar disorder , or PTSD, even though less than half have previously been diagnosed. Relationship problems , substance abuse , physical health issues, bullying , legal difficulties, and financial stress can also be major contributors.

Even if your loved one left a suicide note, that may not provide the answers you’re looking for. Someone who is suicidal has a skewed view of what’s happening to them. They are in so much pain the only way they can see to escape that pain is by taking their own life. They’re not thinking of the devastating effects their actions will have on you, they’re just trying to escape the unbearable pain they’re experiencing. Most wish for an alternative way to end their suffering, but are so blinded by negative emotions they can see no other solution.

While trying to understand everything you can about your loved one’s suicide is a normal part of the grieving process, it’s likely that you’ll be left with questions that can never be answered. Even if you do uncover all the answers, it won’t change the past or ease the grief and loss you’re experiencing. In time, however, it is possible to move beyond the question “Why?”, accept the unknowable, and start to heal.

Enduring the loss of a loved one to suicide can leave you riding a roller coaster of powerful, often negative emotions. In many cases, whether you’re a friend, parent, spouse, sibling, or other relative of the person who died, you’ll likely feel a strong sense of guilt, anger, and blame.

Your anger may be directed at others—someone who should’ve taken better care of the person, someone who let them down, or even your loved one for leaving you to deal with all the pain and fallout. Alternately, your anger may be turned inwards and you blame yourself for your loved one’s suicide. You may feel that you should have done more to spot the signs, get them help, or not make the situation worse, for example.

As a parent, guilt may stem from feeling that you somehow failed your child in their upbringing or as their protector. As a spouse, sibling, or close friend, you may feel guilty that you said or did something wrong or that you weren’t there for the person when they needed you the most.

If your loved one endured a long battle with mental illness, you may even experience guilt about feeling pangs of relief that their suffering is finally over. And as your grief begins to ease in the months or years following the suicide, you may experience new feelings of guilt as you start to gradually move on with your life. But healing doesn’t mean forgetting; it just means looking at feelings of blame and guilt in a more realistic way.

Accept that some things are beyond your control . While we have control over many things in life, we can’t control everything—including the actions of other people, even those we love. Is the blame you’re assuming for your loved one’s death justified? Could you really have prevented them from taking their own life? The truth is we have far less power over others than we like to believe.

[Read: Dealing with Uncertainty]

Separate responsibility from blame . Trying to find someone to blame is a common response to such a painful loss—whether the blame is directed at yourself, your loved one, another person, or even God. While your loved one is the only person “responsible” for their suicide, that doesn’t mean they—or you—deserve blame. The blame lies only with the pain/grief/depression/addiction/other mental health issue your loved one was experiencing that drove them to end their life.

Understand that anyone can miss the warning signs . Even mental health professionals can miss suicidal intentions in someone. People who are suicidal don’t always appear desolate or hopeless. In fact, many display a sudden calmness once they’ve settled on a plan to end their life. We can never truly know what’s going on in someone else’s head, any more than we can predict the future and see what’s coming.

When you lose a loved one to suicide, life is never the same. But it can be happy, fulfilling, and meaningful again. As you cope with the pain of grief, it can help to reflect back on your loved one’s life and the good times you shared together. It’s also okay to allow yourself moments of joy and to look forward again.

Instead of feeling guilty about leaving the person behind as you start to heal, find ways to celebrate your loved one’s life as you gradually move on with yours.

Create a memorial or tribute to your loved one . You could create a memorial site online, write a blog, make a scrapbook of your loved one’s life, start a campaign for suicide awareness, or donate to a charity in their name, for example. Even simply lighting a candle or visiting a special place to mark important dates can help to promote healing.

Use your loss to help others . Use your experience to volunteer at a bereavement, suicide prevention, or mental health organization, for example. Or reach out to others in your community who are in need of help. This website is an example of something positive that emerged from the pain of suicide loss. Following the death of their daughter, our co-founders created HelpGuide to honor her memory and help others in similar trouble.

[Read: HelpGuide’s Story]

Pursue activities that bring meaning to your life . Whether it’s a favorite hobby, interest, or sport, there’s comfort in resuming activities that are important to you. It can also help you connect with others and come to terms with your loss. Acquiring new skills or staying physically active by enrolling in an adult education or fitness class, for example, can also help to ease stress at this disturbing time.

While it’s normal to feel awkward about consoling someone who’s grieving a suicide, don’t let that prevent you from giving your support. People who lose someone to suicide often feel stigmatized and isolated. They may fear others criticizing, blaming, or judging them or their loved one, so it’s important to reach out early.

[Read: Helping Someone Who’s Grieving]

Don’t feel that you have to provide answers, give advice, or say all the right things. Rather, it’s your love, compassion, and caring presence that counts. It’s also important to be there for the long haul. While everyone grieves for different lengths of time, someone mourning a suicide will need your support long after the funeral is over.

While the pain of suicide loss may lessen over time, it will probably never fully pass. Be mindful of birthdays, anniversaries, and other times that may be especially hard for the bereaved person. Let them know that you’re there to help them cope with each new wave of pain and grief.

Helplines and support

Find a  suicide loss support group  or get  personal support  from a volunteer. (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention)

Find a  support group  or call the  national helpline  at 0300 111 5065 (Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide)

Find a survivors of suicide loss support group  or call a  crisis line . (Lifeline Canada Foundation)

Find support  in your region and other resources. (StandBy Support After Suicide)

Find support groups  for families affected by suicide or call the helpline at 91-9820466726. (Aasra)

More Information

• Suicide rising across the US - Factors contributing to suicide. (CDC)
• Children, Teens, and Suicide Loss - Helping children grieve a suicide. (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention)
• Suicide and grief - Including activities to help with grief. (Beyond Blue)
• How suicide bereavement is different - Supporting people who have been bereaved by suicide. (Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide)
• Depressive Disorders. (2013). In Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders . American Psychiatric Association. Link
• Stone, Deborah M. “ Vital Signs : Trends in State Suicide Rates — United States, 1999–2016 and Circumstances Contributing to Suicide — 27 States, 2015.” MMWR. Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report 67 (2018). Link
• “Suicide Worldwide in 2019.” Accessed October 14, 2021. Link
• Curtin, Sally C. “Increase in Suicide in the United States, 1999–2014,” no. 241 (2016): 8. Link
• Tal Young, Ilanit, Alana Iglewicz, Danielle Glorioso, Nicole Lanouette, Kathryn Seay, Manjusha Ilapakurti, and Sidney Zisook. “Suicide Bereavement and Complicated Grief.” Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience 14, no. 2 (June 2012): 177–86. Link
• Jordan, John R. “Lessons Learned: Forty Years of Clinical Work With Suicide Loss Survivors.” Frontiers in Psychology 11 (2020): 766. Link
• Zisook, S., & Shear, K. (2009). Grief and bereavement: What psychiatrists need to know. World Psychiatry, 8 (2), 67–74. Link
• Simon, N. M. (2013). Treating Complicated Grief. JAMA, 310 (4), 416–423. Link
• Corr, C. A. (1999). Enhancing the Concept of Disenfranchised Grief. OMEGA – Journal of Death and Dying, 38 (1), 1–20. Link

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