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With echoes of H.P. Lovecraft’s “The Colour Out of Space” and Stephen King ’s “ The Mist ,” it’s pretty easy to pick out the influences on Jeffrey A. Brown ’s stellar debut “The Beach House,” but it’s also a film that stands on its own two injured feet. Boasting sweaty, shaky camerawork and a firm grasp on tone, Brown’s grisly indie horror flick is yet another piece of work that feels unexpectedly suited to our times. Critics may wrestle with whether or not to reflect the state of the world in 2020 in their analysis, but art doesn’t exist in a vacuum, and there’s something almost morbidly funny about a movie in which the lives of two young people are upended by something vicious and violent in the air. After a slightly rocky first act that succumbs to thin generational differences, Brown allows his slow burn to catch fire and doesn’t look back. You may be regretting not being able to visit the beach this summer. Maybe it’s for the best.

Emily ( Liana Liberato ) and Randall ( Noah Le Gros ) are a young couple of college kids who go the beach home of Randall’s father to get away and work on their relationship. They’re at a classic crossroads for young couples, where it appears that two sweethearts may want different things out of life. Randall has dropped out of college; Emily is talking grad school. How can they stay together when they’re headed in very different directions?

After arriving at the beautiful house on what appears to be a literally empty shore—Randall mentions that it gets more crowded after Memorial Day, so they must be early for vacation season—Emily notices some signs of recent habitation in the kitchen, including fresh groceries. It turns out that the young couple isn’t alone, as an old friend of Randall’s dad named Mitch ( Jake Weber ) and his wife Jane (Maryann Nagel) have come to the beach house too for a different kind of vacation. Jane has health issues severe enough that this is probably their final trip, and Brown almost digs into the concept that both of these couples likely won’t be together at this time next year, although for very different reasons.

The couples get along, discussing life over dinner and a few bottles of wine. When they run out of booze, Randall pulls out the edibles he picked up on the way there, and everyone takes a bit, essentially passing out as they notice … something strange outside. There’s a fog in the air that appears to be coming off the water, moving toward the house, spreading particles of light. Everyone goes on different degrees of bad trips, but they wake up to something much worse. As someone terrifyingly says later in the film, “It’s not fog.”

Films about the fragility of the human condition have taken on different energy since March, with works like “ Sea Fever ,” “ Relic ,” and now “The Beach House” earning unintended layers, but Brown’s direction here would have been effective in 2019 too. He keeps things impressively tight, focusing on his four actors largely in slightly shaky close-up, allowing their reactions to what’s going on around them to produce the tension. There are moments of unforgettable imagery, especially in a scene involving Emily’s foot that will send the squeamish running for the door (wear a mask if you have to run all the way outside), but “The Beach House” is a wonderful example of lo-fi horror. Most of the shots are of Emily or Randall’s face, or the fog outside. "The Beach House" reminded me of one of the reasons I love indie horror, in that Brown understands how much can be done with a performer who conveys terror instead of just a gruesome plot twist or CGI. Liberato is great, allowing us to believe Emily’s mounting horror over the world around her, and Brown knows to place most of the film’s weight on her shoulders.

Brown has a great minimalist eye—there’s a shot of the stairs that’s been used in the poster that’s phenomenal. And Brown finds something in the emptiness of the world around this beach house that feels ominous long before things get Lovecraftian. Something is just off . It’s that sense you get on an empty beach that you’re alone and the world is much bigger and stranger than anyone knows. “The Beach House” leans into that feeling of human insignificance in the larger picture of the evolutionary cycle. In the grand scheme of things, we are but a blip on the timeline. Horror films like “The Beach House” like to play with the universal fear that the human blip can be erased. And it won’t be pretty.

Brian Tallerico

Brian Tallerico is the Managing Editor of RogerEbert.com, and also covers television, film, Blu-ray, and video games. He is also a writer for Vulture, The Playlist, The New York Times, and GQ, and the President of the Chicago Film Critics Association.

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Film credits.

The Beach House (2020)

Liana Liberato as Emily

Noah Le Gros as Randall

Jake Weber as Mitch

Maryanne Nagel as Jane

• Jeffrey A. Brown

Cinematographer

• Owen Levelle
• Aaron Crozier
• Roly Porter

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‘The Beach House’ Review: No Fun Memories for These Vacationers

By the time it dawns on a couple that “maybe it wasn’t such a great idea to go to the beach,” it’s way too late.

• Share full article

By Elisabeth Vincentelli

Two college-age hotties, Randall and Emily (Noah Le Gros and Liana Liberato), have won the jackpot — a romantic getaway to his father’s beautiful, empty house, with direct access to a beautiful, empty beach.

Correction: The house is not quite empty after all. An older pair of guests, Mitch and Jane (Jake Weber and Maryann Nagel), are already there, though they don’t mind sharing the space with the newcomers.

The beach, too, is more crowded than expected, and that is not good news because we are in a horror movie , a genre in which vacations in isolated, picturesque settings tend not to end well.

Despite its relatively tight focus — four characters, one location — the writer-director Jeffrey A. Brown’s debut feature has an ambitious scope made all the more intriguing by its lack of clear answers. The characters may have stumbled into bad edibles, a fog teeming with mysterious life, a nasty parasite, the beginning of the end of the world, or all of the above. This is a lot to cram into such a tight frame but after a dillydallying slow start, Brown ratchets up the tension efficiently, summoning a mix of gross-out body invasion, eco-mutation and large-scale cosmic dread on a small budget.

But the film is also front-loaded with unforced errors as Brown clumsily, unnecessarily telegraphs symbols and character points. The younger pair isn’t keen on oysters, for instance, unaware that they are innocent goop compared to what will wash up on the beach, and it takes only a few minutes to see that Randall is an immature, selfish jerk — he just dropped out of school and is peevishly dismissive of Emily’s plans for grad school. She wants to study astrobiology, explaining to Mitch and Jane that it’s about the way organisms adapt to harsh environments. Insert flashing warning light.

Setting up stock characters — a blockheaded bro, a couple of middle-aged people, and an ambitious, smart young woman — severely undermines the film’s near-metaphysical aspirations. Still, a self-operation on a foot is hard to watch no matter how much you see it coming.

The Beach House Not rated. Running time: 1 hour 28 minutes. Watch on Shudder.

‘The Beach House’: Film Review

A weekend getaway turns into an "extinction event" in Jeffrey A. Brown's intriguing, ambiguous eco-thriller.

By Dennis Harvey

Dennis Harvey

Film Critic

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Being released during an epidemic lends additional if unintended frisson to “ The Beach House ,” a cryptic yet reasonably involving thriller in which vacationers find themselves under threat. The nature of that threat remains ambiguous, but in its partially-airborne inescapability, it definitely hits a note of creepy relevance. Writer-director Jeffrey A. Brown ’s first feature is neither fish nor fowl in terms of fitting snugly into any given genre slot — perhaps it’s best taken as a fantasy-tinged, low-key apocalyptic drama à la “Bird Box,” albeit on a smaller cast and budgetary scale. In any case, it’s skillful enough to satisfy most viewers, if not quite sufficiently original in concept or striking in execution to leave a lasting imprint. It premieres July 9 on AMC’s streaming imprint Shudder.

Young couple Emily (Liana Liberato) and Randall (Noah Le Gros) drive to his family’s beachside Massachusetts summer house in the off-season, so there seems to be no one else in the neighborhood. As their first priority upon arriving is a shag and a nap, they’re slow to realize that someone is indeed around — and in the house. Fact is, Randall didn’t inform his parents (who are angry at his dropping out of college) they were coming, so he can’t object when it turns out they’d already lent the place for the weekend to old friends Jane (Maryann Nagel) and Mitch Turner (Jake Weber). Despite initial awkwardness, the quartet decide there’s room enough for everyone.

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Once wine runs out after a congenial dinner, Randall proposes they share the “edible” (a marijuana-infused chocolate) he’s brought, and somewhat surprisingly, the older pair agree. Everybody has fun in their own individual way, Randall by digging into the available LP collection, others by noting an unusual phosphorescent effect in the air and on the water outside. It would be fair to assume that colorful glow (as well as other audiovisual distortions experienced in particular by Emily) is due to some mild hallucinogenic effect of the drug ingested. But that turns out not to be the case.

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Brown’s screenplay plants a number of red herrings, suggesting any number of possible explanations, as well as directions that the narrative might go: relationship woes between the off-again, on-again younger couple, Jane’s apparent medical issues and so forth. Then at the half-hour point, “The Beach House” begins emphasizing an exterior menace which remains indistinct, but nudges the film toward phenomenal-horror tales like “The Mist” and “The Blob,” while keeping their grotesque fantasy spectacle on a much tighter leash. When the protagonists wake up the next day, they gradually realize the night’s after-effects are more serious than a hangover, and that indeed an “extinction event” of unknown cause may be taking place.

It’s up to the viewer to guess whether what’s at work here is some kind of extraterrestrial peril (Emily is, in fact, studying astrobiology), or if our terrestrial Mother Nature has decided to rid herself of the “problem” species à la such eco-horrors as “Long Weekend,” “The Happening” and “The Last Winter.” Characters’ increasingly desperate attempts at survival take place amidst a “fog” not just of apparent lethal bacteria (or whatever it is), but atmospheric psychedelia, with DP Owen Levell’s images often bathed in vivid, unnatural lighting hues.

Despite a few gore and mutation effects, it’s a film more unsettling than frightening, one that maybe overplays its not-so-profound air of mystery with a fadeout that falls rather flat. Still, “The Beach House” remains compelling if never quite riveting thanks to its effectively queasy mood, generally strong performances, and a resourceful assembly in which Roly Porter’s soundscape-type score sets an appropriate tone of science-friction.

Reviewed online, San Francisco, July 5, 2020. Running time: 88 MIN.

• Production: A Shudder release, presented with Low Spark Films of an Uncorked, Marquee Player, Low Spark Films production. Producers: Andrew D. Corkin, Tyler Davidson, Sophia Lin. Executive producers: Kevin Flanigan, Dexter Braff, Susan Wrubel. Co-producers: Zachary Luke Kislevitz, Katie Koeblitz, Drew Sykes.
• Crew: Director, writer: Jeffrey A. Brown. Camera: Owen Levelle. Editor: Aaron Crozier. Music: Roly Porter.
• With: Liana Liberato, Noah Le Gros, Maryann Nagel, Jake Weber.

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The beach house.

• Common Sense Says
• Parents Say 5 Reviews
• Kids Say 3 Reviews

Common Sense Media Review

Eerie, chilling, timely zombie/pandemic movie.

Parents Need to Know

Parents need to know that The Beach House is a slow-burn zombie horror movie starring Liana Liberato that focuses more on the virus aspect of the scenario than on the resulting zombie attack. That said, it definitely has zombie violence, as well as a car crash, creepy/eerie moments, and gross stuff (stepping…

Why Age 15+?

Approaching zombies. Zombies eating flesh. Bloody wound. Beating zombies with bl

Uses of "f--k," a use of "bulls--t."

Characters eat strong pot-laced chocolate; they all act high, with drug trip-typ

Kissing. Couple lies in bed together, presumably after sex and presumably naked

Any Positive Content?

Emily talks about how fragile human life really is, how it depends on a perfect

Emily is a strong female character, takes charge of her situation. She tries to

Violence & Scariness

Approaching zombies. Zombies eating flesh. Bloody wound. Beating zombies with blunt objects. Car crash. Creepy worm thing burrows inside a character's skin; she pulls it out with a knife and tongs. Vomiting up icky creature. Stepping in gross goo on beach. Creepy/eerie stuff.

Did you know you can flag iffy content? Adjust limits for Violence & Scariness in your kid's entertainment guide.

Did you know you can flag iffy content? Adjust limits for Language in your kid's entertainment guide.

Drinking, Drugs & Smoking

Characters eat strong pot-laced chocolate; they all act high, with drug trip-type sequences. Beer and wine with dinner. Cigarette smoking. Prescription meds shown.

Did you know you can flag iffy content? Adjust limits for Drinking, Drugs & Smoking in your kid's entertainment guide.

Sex, Romance & Nudity

Kissing. Couple lies in bed together, presumably after sex and presumably naked under the covers.

Did you know you can flag iffy content? Adjust limits for Sex, Romance & Nudity in your kid's entertainment guide.

Positive Messages

Emily talks about how fragile human life really is, how it depends on a perfect balance and combination of various elements, how easily it can be upset. The sickness that appears comes randomly, without explanation, has things in common with COVID-19 pandemic. Families can talk about what all this means, how resilient humans can be if they learn, act, work together.

Positive Role Models

Emily is a strong female character, takes charge of her situation. She tries to solve the problem as best as she can, using oxygen tank, trying to get out of there. But she has her faults (she smokes, is shown in the first half to be a little too trusting and a little too passive), and ( spoiler alert ) she doesn't actually make it out alive.

Parents need to know that The Beach House is a slow-burn zombie horror movie starring Liana Liberato that focuses more on the virus aspect of the scenario than on the resulting zombie attack. That said, it definitely has zombie violence, as well as a car crash, creepy/eerie moments, and gross stuff (stepping in goo, pulling a wormy thing out of a character's flesh, vomiting, etc.). A young couple kisses and presumably has sex; they're shown in bed, with the implication that they're naked under the covers. Language isn't frequent but includes several uses of "f--k," plus "s--t"/"bulls--t." There's some cigarette smoking and social drinking, and characters eat pot-laced chocolate, after which they act high. To stay in the loop on more movies like this, you can sign up for weekly Family Movie Night emails .

Where to Watch

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Parent and Kid Reviews

• Parents say (5)
• Kids say (3)

Based on 5 parent reviews

Okay for a Younger audience if they don’t get scared easily

What's the story.

In THE BEACH HOUSE, Emily ( Liana Liberato ) and her boyfriend, Randall ( Noah Le Gros ), plan a weekend getaway at Randall's estranged father's beach house during the off-season. Expecting total privacy, they settle in. Emily heads downstairs and is dismayed to discover a woman sitting at the table. Her name is Jane (Maryann Nagel), and when her husband, Mitch ( Jake Weber ), arrives, Emily and Randall learn that Randall's father agreed to loan them the house for the same weekend. Mitch remembers Randall and invites the young couple to stay for dinner. They drink, eat pot-laced chocolate, and are entranced when everything outside appears to be glowing blue. The next morning, Jane seems ill, and Mitch is acting weird. Emily and Randall soon discover that the blue glowing stuff might have brought something deadly with it.

Is It Any Good?

Wisely avoiding wordy explanations or long setups, this eerie, timely chiller takes a slow-burn approach, simply observing its characters and springing its shocks naturally, without announcing them. The debut feature of writer-director Jeffrey A. Brown, The Beach House has confidence in its ability to create strange little tensions out of ordinary moments. It takes a while before anything supernatural happens, but the character interactions themselves are enough to make viewers feel on edge right away. What's left unspoken is frequently more powerful than what's said, such as the relationship tensions between Emily and Randall and whatever personal demons Jane appears to be fighting.

When the trouble does actually start, Brown doles it out in a way that makes it feel like it's happening organically. He doesn't play the audience like a piano or ramp up scares with percussive crashes. A character saying "I think I'll go for a swim" turns into a jaw-dropping jolt. A garbled voice on a staticky police radio is mostly inaudible, except for one chill-inducing sentence: "It's not fog." Perhaps most impressive is the fact that The Beach House is technically a zombie movie, but the zombies are rarely shown. This movie understands that zombies in themselves are no longer scary. But what's behind them, what causes them, can be absolutely terrifying.

Talk to Your Kids About ...

Families can talk about The Beach House 's violence . How much is shown, and how much is suggested? How does sound work to make unseen violence seem more threatening?

Is the movie scary ? What's the appeal of scary movies?

How are drugs, smoking, and drinking depicted? Are they glamorized? Do they look cool or fun? Are there consequences for using them? Why does that matter?

What did you think about Emily's speech on how fragile human beings are? Do you agree or disagree? Why?

How do the events in the movie compare to the COVID-19 pandemic?

Movie Details

• On DVD or streaming : December 15, 2020
• Cast : Liana Liberato , Noah Le Gros , Jake Weber
• Director : Jeffrey A. Brown
• Inclusion Information : Female actors
• Studio : Shudder
• Genre : Horror
• Topics : Monsters, Ghosts, and Vampires
• Run time : 88 minutes
• MPAA rating : NR
• Last updated : June 8, 2023

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Vague Visages

Movies, tv & music • independent film criticism • soundtrack guides • forming the future • est. 2014, review: jeffrey a. brown’s ‘the beach house’.

For the past hundred years, horror — more so than any other genre — has been utilized as a tool for reflecting society’s ills back at unsuspecting and often even unwilling audiences. But there’s no way the filmmakers behind recent releases Sea Fever and Blood Quantum could’ve known how topical their movies would be in the current climate. With the world around us turning into a literal trash fire, these movies deal with isolation, infection and the inherent mistrust humans feel towards each other with razor-sharp precision. The Beach House, a Shudder exclusive and a remarkably astute first-time effort from writer-director Jeffrey A. Brown, serves as another example of how horror movies often understand our world better than we do.  

Underwater imagery is spooky by its very nature, feeding in, as it does, to that universal fear of the unknown. But  The Beach House treats the encroaching ocean like a predator waiting to pounce. It looms in the background of almost every shot, whether the college sweetheart protagonists are enjoying a seaside dinner , lazing on the sand or quite literally crawling away from the water in fear. The ocean is always watching; in one particular sequence, the camera leaves the characters behind entirely and slowly moves down an empty hallway towards it, as if lured in by its powerful siren call.  

The Beach House begins as something like a home invasion thriller , as Randall (Noah Le Gros) and Emily (Liana Liberato) settle into their quaintly picturesque vacation digs when another couple suddenly appears out of nowhere. The outwardly friendly Mitch (Jake Weber) and Jane (Maryann Nagel) claim to be old friends of Randall’s family, and the younger couple are soon coaxed into staying in the titular property with them; an awkward setup that clearly rankles Emily, whose shackles are already up since Randall has suggested they move there permanently, carelessly casting her dreams of going to grad school aside.  

Read More at VV — Know the Cast: ‘First Kill’

Emily studies chemistry, but her real passion is astrobiology, the concept of which she helpfully explains to a puzzled Mitch in a moment that, cleverly, doesn’t register as exposition until much later in the movie. Ultimately,  The Beach House mutates into a horrifying story of infection interlaced with a possibly extraterrestrial takeover — close-ups of filaments floating in a glass of wine , a gooey oyster drying out in the sun and a record player that resembles a giant eye hint that there are otherworldly elements at play. Meanwhile, fluorescent colors, similar to those seen in the recent Color Out of Space , cover the surrounding landscape as the house is simultaneously encased in fog. As the only person who seems to clock that something is off, Emily’s own field of vision starts to get blurry too as she struggles to keep her grip on reality.  

Le Gros and Liberato have an easy, lived in chemistry, but their characters’ relationship is clearly fraught with tension. Thankfully, Brown eschews the need to have Emily spell out what she wants from Randall at any stage. She’s a smart, capable and resourceful heroine, but Emily’s strength doesn’t come from her relationship with Randall, but rather in how she thrives in spite of his laziness. Le Gros, who bears a pleasingly passing resemblance to the English actor Joe Cole, isn’t entirely unlikable to the point that it makes no sense why Emily has stayed with Randall, but he plays second fiddle to her once things start to go awry, which still feels annoyingly progressive nowadays. Emily takes more of a beating overall, and her struggle is more keenly felt because she’s much easier to root for.  

The Beach House is quietly compelling and its slow burn nature may turn off hardcore horror fans, however the movie also contains some of the gnarliest and most astonishingly well-done practical gore featured in any movie released this year. First, it’s the appearance of some sort of gross sea slug as it becomes apparent there’s something lurking in the water . Then, it quickly escalates into sea goo and a wiggly worm in Emily’s foot, recalling the still hugely underrated Blair Witch, in which a twig is slowly removed from an aching sole. Without spoiling anything, The Beach House takes this idea to its natural extreme with some top-notch practical gore, as the camera wisely holds the money shot for so long it’s impossible not to squirm. There are elements of the zombie movie at play here, too, and there’s plenty of oozing grossness to enjoy as the situation escalates.  

Read More at VV — Soundtracks of Cinema: ‘X’

At The Beach House’s heart , though, it’s a movie powered by simmering tension between an all-too-human couple that smartly teases out the feeling that everything seems normal but is clearly off balance over a perfectly-judged 90 minutes. Even the house itself isn’t particularly isolated, but it’s noted early on that most of the surrounding properties are unpopulated given the time of year. Brown establishes the idea of being alone while feeling surrounded, filling out the wider story about some kind of deadly plague taking hold of the country (the world?) with a barely-audible radio call warning Emily not to be “exposed” (a similar trick was employed in Blood Quantum  to equally stomach-dropping effect) and a blinking emergency broadcast on a fuzzy TV screen. Very little is given away about the nature of the pandemic, which only adds to The Beach House ‘s creepily prescient atmosphere.  

The setting is naturally beautiful , and it’s lovingly captured by cinematographer Owen Lavelle, particularly considering the gaping chasm between what happens in the light and the darkness. Most of the truly horrifying stuff takes place under the glare of the sun, and there’s certainly an argument to be made that an environmentalist message is nestling just under the surface . The Beach House’s  tone is similar to Sea Fever ; it isn’t preachy or overly explanatory, allowing viewers the freedom to delve into whatever element of it personally appeals to them. There are plenty of layers to explore, including the trippy, fittingly cynical ending. The more outlandish notes are anchored by Liberato’s fearless central performance as Emily, a character who’s smart enough to use an oxygen tank but lacks the personal strength to ditch a boyfriend who doesn’t appreciate her greatness. The Beach House  signals an exciting new star in horror.  

The Beach House is also, naturally, a major calling card for Brown, who showcases a remarkable control of the material. A career spent assisting on other film sets has demonstrably given him the tools to tell a proper horror story without overplaying his hand. Brown leaves just enough to the imagination to make his premise completely terrifying but consistently hints at the real-world ramifications to effectively ground it in reality . He couldn’t possibly have known what kind of climate the film would be released into, but the timing is so perfect that it makes The Beach House a bloodcurdlingly intense watch. Make it a triple bill with Sea Fever and Blood Quantum for maximum quarantine and chill.

Joey Keogh ( @JoeyLDG ) is a writer from Dublin, Ireland with an unhealthy appetite for horror movies and Judge Judy. In stark contrast with every other Irish person ever, she’s straight edge. Hello to Jason Isaacs.

Categories: 2010s , 2020 Film Reviews , 2020 Horror Film Reviews , 2020 Horror Reviews , 2020s , Drama , Film Reviews , Horror , Mystery , Shudder Originals , Streaming Originals

Tagged as: Drama , Horror , Jeffrey A. Brown , Joey Keogh , Mystery , The Beach House

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Horror Movie Review

The beach house – review.

• Release Date: 09 Jul, 2020
• Director: Jeffrey Brown
• Actors: Liana Liberato, Noah Le Gros, Maryann Nagel, Jake Weber
• Country: United States
• Language: English
• Parental Guidance: Language, drug use, body horror, injury detail, some sexual content
• Writers: Jeffrey Brown
• Producers: Andrew D. Corkin, Tyler Davidson, Sophia Lin

A romantic getaway for two troubled college sweethearts turns into a struggle for survival when unexpected guests - and the surrounding environment - exhibit signs of a mysterious infection.

Welcome to Knockout Horror. Today we are taking a look at Shudder Original horror movie The Beach House. Written and directed by Jeffrey Brown , this movie represents his feature directorial debut. It’s been around for a few years now after releasing in 2019. Despite its age. It still seems to be fairly popular on the horror exclusive streaming service.

The question is, is this Lovecraftian genre film worth your time? I am sure that combination of words is enough to inform you of what you are getting into here. I absolutely hate the term Lovecraftian horror. It feels like such a lazy way of describing a film. Especially give how wide ranging Lovecraft’s influence was on horror. Still, it is what it is. As with many other movies described as Lovecraftian. This is a very by the numbers science fiction with cosmic horror undertones. It’s fairly bland and doesn’t set itself apart. You have seen this type of movie a millions of times before.

Still, I am sure this will appeal to some. A fairly decent level of intrigue and tension buoys up the first half of the movie. It is quickly replaced by a heavy action focus and a ton of body horror. There are a few things to like here, let’s check it out. As always, I will give a quick, spoiler free, breakdown of the movie. Feel free to skip that if you like.

The Beach House – Synopsis

The Beach House follows the story of couple Emily and Randall. We learn that the pair have been having some relationship difficulties. Randall, seemingly, left Emily without giving her an explanation. The two are now back together and hoping to rekindle their passion. Arriving at Randall’s family’s beach house. The pair head upstairs, eager to bump uglies after the long journey. Randall suggests that they move into the house on a permanent basis. Emily’s commitment to her education does not afford her the freedom to do that. Frustrated at the suggestion, she heads to the bathroom.

Heading downstairs, Emily is shocked to realise that they are not alone. She retrieves Randall and the two confront the unexpected guests. It turns out that they are friends of Randall’s parents. Deciding to make the best of a bad situation. The group spend a night together drinking, eating, and taking drugs. What, for a moment, seems like a bad trip. Actually seems to be due to a mysterious fog enveloping the area. It isn’t long before things begin going drastically wrong.

Run of the Mill

So as you may have guessed, this is fairly basic stuff. Movies featuring invasive pathogens infecting a population are rather common. They never tend to deviate from a set norm and the genre, as a whole, is rather stale. There is really only so much you can do with a concept like this. You are either watching a story of survival. Or you are watching characters journey to escape the infection. The Beach House tries to do a bit of both. Unfortunately, falling a bit flat in both departments.

Where movies like this can separate themselves. Is in the level of tension and the presentation of symptoms. The infection itself almost always spreads in one of a few ways. In the case of The Beach House, it is via a thick fog rolling through the area. The fog seems to consist of microbes that were once contained within rocks deep in the sea. Global warming has caused the release and spread of the microbes. The result is something that travels freely and infects on entering the body. Victims display a range of symptoms and seem to begin hosting parasitic worms.

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A Film of Two Halves

The Beach House is a movie of two halves. The first half sees the group spending a night together. They consume marijuana edibles and drink alcohol. A strange fog comes into the home leading the characters to pass out. The next day they wake feeling rather rotten. We witness the characters suffer an escalation of symptoms. All of a sudden, the pace switches. The movie quickens up and turns into more of a survival horror. The characters attempt to escape the fog. All the while encountering one or two mutated victims and hazards on the way.

It’s a strange mix and makes for a movie with something of a split personality. Those who are enjoying the slow, considered pace of the first half. Will likely be disappointed to see the movie abandon much of the intriguing build. Others who were bored by the relative emptiness of the opening 40 minutes. May find themselves suddenly enjoying the more action packed focus. I personally found myself to be rather unenthused throughout. The Beach House simply didn’t do much for me. This is a type of movie that I feel has little to offer, anyway. The fact that Jeffery Brown does nothing new with the concept doesn’t help matters.

Not Quite Sure What it Wants to Be

Despite the similarities with other similar genre horror. This is a film that tries to set itself apart. It attempts to do this through its message and elements of plausible deniability. Although drug use muddies the waters of reality here. The narrative leans heavily into exposition through eco-conscious, scientist in waiting, Emily. The Beach House rings the climate warning bell. The consequences of human actions are hard to predict and wide ranging. When combined with the group’s consumption of a hallucinogen. This is a movie that isn’t quite sure what it wants to be. Is it a warning regarding the state of our world? Is it a bad trip? Or are those elements simply intended to be relatable to the target audience?

Relatability is somewhere where this film struggles. Randall and Emily are not a particularly likeable couple. Privileged and, in their own specific ways, very self righteous. The pair are not easy to care about. Older couple Mitch and Jane offer hints at a deeper, more tragic, story. These hints, like much in The Beach House, are never expanded on. This is a movie of unfinished ideas and unrealised potential. Much of that can likely be blamed on a restrictive style of film-making. This is a movie that feels claustrophobic for its lack of scope. The 1.85:1 aspect ratio tightly frames a world that feels constricted and small.

Set predominantly in a beach side house. The restrictive shots of the beach fail to capture the scale of the issue. When the film moves away from the house. It feels as though the director had rigidly defined boundaries to work within. Limited locations and a bland set offer a feeling of insignificance. As though the problem is confined to one small are and is barely a problem at all. It’s hard not to imagine the film would have benefited from staying within the house. Moving away from it seriously sacrifices elements of tension. It also makes it clear that the budget here was likely limiting the director’s vision.

Plenty of Positives

There are positives, though. Practical effects are, generally, fantastic. Some of the mutations look suitably disgusting. Elements of body horror are particularly welcome. On top of that, character’s presentation of symptoms can be stomach turning. It’s very nicely done. The final half an hour is particularly noteworthy for this. As certain victims go through the stages of the illness. You genuinely buy into how uncomfortable and horrific it must be. Actors really commit to making the events they are experiencing believable. It’s effective stuff.

There are no scares, as is common with movies like this. That’s not really the aim of these types of movie, though. The idea is to build up suspense and create an atmosphere of desperation. The movie does do a fairly good job of that. You will likely want to know what is causing the strange behaviour of the characters. You will also, likely, enjoy their attempts to survive and escape. The plot is fairly compelling. There are hints at something fascinating causing the issues. Nothing is ever really expanded on, though. Much of the movie’s runtime is wasted on the group tripping balls and drinking. By the time the less than satisfying ending comes along. You are left with a distinct feeling that they ran out of time.

I am sure many viewers will really enjoy the Lovecraftian elements. Questions of the universe and the human race’s place in it form a central theme. The thought that we could be wiped out in a matter of days, due to our own neglect. Is an interesting, and relevant, concept to throw around in a movie like this. It feels all the more apt given the recent crisis of the past few years. The more visceral elements of Lovecraftian horror are nice to see, as well. Grotesque mutations and oozing, jelly-like, growths and wounds abound. It’s interesting stuff that is always welcome. If not a little predictable in these types of genre films.

Decent Acting but Lacking Cinematography

Acting is generally fine. I didn’t value Liana Liberato’s performance, as Emily, as much as other people did. She comes on towards the later part of the film. For the most part, however, I felt her performance was flat. Especially for a character tasked with carrying much of the movie’s weight. She seems to have a tendency to look either confused or angry, most of the time. Something quite common in actors who struggle to emote. I also found her delivery to be nasally. This isn’t helped by the film’s lousy sound production. There are a lot of echoes, especially indoors. Scenes featuring characters shouting are particularly annoying.

Noah Le Gros , as Randall, will probably annoy people initially. His character’s slacker personality offers Noah little room to work. He really comes on well towards the end of the movie, though. He engages in some fantastic, and thoroughly believable, physical acting. Jake Weber , as Mitch, does a great job. A veteran actor, he instantly appears to feel far more comfortable than everyone else. Maryann Nagel is absolutely fine. She also has some very effective moments of physical performance that are impactful.

Cinematography was a bit of a mixed bag. I hate the 1.85:1 aspect ratio for this type of film. The potential for wide angle shots of gorgeous, scenic, beach vistas is wasted. Instead we have tight closeups and restricted scenic views. I think it really offers the movie a feeling of cheapness. Like a Hallmark production or made for TV horror movie. Directing was okay. Pacing was a bit messy. A lumbering opening 45 minutes suddenly hits full speed and doesn’t let up. It’s a bit uneven. I noticed a lot of continuity issues throughout, as well. All in all, its a bit of a mixed bag.

Is it a Knockout?

The Beach House is a Lovecraftian genre film with some interesting ideas. For me, it never really managed to deliver on them. Uneven pacing leaves this feeling like a film of two halves. A slow considered opening gives way to a fast paced, thrill a minute, finale. The result is a movie that doesn't seem to know what it wants to be. Couple this with the climate change message and fairly irrelevant bad trip experienced by the characters. And what is left is a film with a lot of ideas but a messy execution. The unsatisfying end does nothing to offset these issues.

Generally decent acting and fantastic practical effects do much to help. Some fairly effective tension will likely keep many viewers engaged. The fact that this world feels so constricted undermines the severity of the situation, though. The locations are limited and leave you feeling as if the action should never have left the house. Still, fans of these types of genre films will likely find plenty to like. The slow burn nature of the movie is welcome and the body horror elements are particularly effective. The Beach House just didn't do anything for me, though. It felt painfully familiar and completely lacking in intrigue. I do think it will appeal to many, despite this.

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• Director: Amy Seimetz
• Actors: Kate Lyn Sheil, Jane Adams, Kentucker Audley, Katie Aselton, Chris Messina, Tunde Adebimpe, Jennifer Kim, Olivia Taylor Dudley, Michelle Rodriguez, Josh Lucas, Adam Wingard
• Parental Guidance: Some violence, upsetting scenes, language, drug use
• Writers: Amy Seimetz
• Producers: Amy Seimetz, David Lawson, Aaron Moorhead, Justin Benson

[Review] ‘The Beach House’ is a Cosmic, Trippy Triumph That Will Bury You In Its Tide

Jeffrey A. Brown’s directorial debut is a powerful, emotional throwback to ‘50s sci-fi that presents a stunning glimpse of a parasitic invasion.

“Life is so fragile.”

The Beach House is an apocalyptic fever dream brought to life. It’s an ode to the lofty science fiction films of the ’50s and gives the era the proper respect that it deserves within the horror genre. The Beach House pulls its inspirations from the ’50s, but it very much operates with modern sensibilities. Director Jeffrey A. Brown crafts something special here. He knows where to update its source material and get more aggressive with these older archetypes. Just like the best science fiction/horror hybrids, The Beach House finds a human story and tells it through a supernatural parable. The result is a film that feels familiar, but repeatedly takes surprising turns. You’ll never see another film like The Beach House this year.

The Beach House will inevitably be referred to as a low budget version of The Mist meets Invasion of the Body Snatchers . This is far from a bad thing, but it’s also trying to tell a deep story behind all of the monsters, special effects, and abstract visuals. The Beach House excels in this area and delivers plenty of great practical effects and frighteningly unique monsters that oddly feel real in their own right. The Beach House does a lot with its creepy premise and director Jeffrey A. Brown has a clear voice here. He does a great job at bringing his moody, cosmic vision to life. The Beach House immediately creates an eerie atmosphere. Right from the opening frame and credits there’s already darkness creeping in. It’s very atmospheric and it turns simple things like the ocean into sacred hellscapes. It feels like the birth of evil and it’s a very strong way to start the film.

When The Beach House begins, it looks like it will deal with horror that stems from the unexpected surprise that Randall ( Noah Le Gros ) and Emily ( Liana Liberato ) face when they reach the beach house. There’s already an elderly couple who are staying at the house. This alone could be the premise for a great horror film, but instead an unusual alliance forms here as these two couples discover that the entire world is on fire. The following day brings world-ending terrors as the environment itself appears to rebel against the living. A threat of an unfathomable size is suddenly upon these unprepared people in the cramped beach house. The film takes this strong setup and only goes to more challenging and impressive places with it all.

All of the supernatural elements in this movie are a lot of fun, but The Beach House is just as rewarding when it comes to its cast. Both Liana Liberato and Noah Le Gros are exceptional in their roles as Emily and Randall. They both exhibit a ton of range through this unusual experience and Liberato in particular looks like an upcoming talent to keep an eye on. She’s so good here and the film slowly turns into more of a solo effort for her character. This virus infects everyone, but it’s really Emily’s story.

The Beach House is careful to illustrate how Emily and Randall aren’t totally dysfunctional when the film begins. They at least want to get better. Things are far from perfect, but they still have a deep connection. However, subtle touches like the camera lingering on a shot hint at problems beneath the surface. There’s a passion there, but a fundamental lack of understanding between them.

The Beach House takes its time and it properly allows the audience to get to know Emily and Randall on their own before it adds other elements and people into the mix. It’s a smart approach for this variety of internal, isolated story. The whole thing is a gradual descent into hell. Another smart decision that the film makes is to not turn Mitch ( Jake Weber ) and Jane ( Maryanne Nagel ) into antagonists or negative forces. They’re polite and cordial, which makes the mess that they all get tied up in work even better. Furthermore, there’s a very affable chemistry between these two couples. It’s a lot of fun to just watch them all hang out. You almost hope that nothing will go wrong and this will just be a low-key weekend at a beach house.

The film exhibits confidence in how it doesn’t hide the virus that begins to infect the coast. The scenes that explore this are some of the film’s most mind-bending moments. They’re beautiful to take in and they’re like being inside a living lava lamp. The film is full of equally evocative and abstract visuals. Even just the trippy visuals that stem from the drug use in the film really add a lot to the bad experience. The Beach House becomes genuinely scary when this infection intensifies and this “unstable, boiling chaos” eventually lets loose. Every development and new creature that shows up only pushes things further out of control.

The film delves into some gruesome body horror that is all sorts of upsetting and difficult to watch. This is all made worse by the fact that Emily is actually smart enough to understand what’s happening during the infection process (although The Beach House is very careful to not over-explain itself or get lost in exposition). There’s a moment that involves a parasitic worm and a pair of forceps that is just bonkers . The evolution of the virus is also super disturbing and keeps this threat feeling unique and unpredictable. To add to this, there’s a very powerful score that blasts the audience with abrasive sound. It’s a jarring experience and it helps The Beach House properly feel like the assault that it should be. Everything properly comes together here to create the overwhelming feeling that the world is falling apart.

Behind all of the pain and the cosmic assaults that The Beach House throws at its audience, there’s also a dark sense of humor that courses through the movie. It provides a nice grounded balance to all of the apocalyptic dread. A much more serious film wouldn’t have been an improvement.

To be fair, The Beach House does suffer from particular conveniences and plot contrivances. However, it’s a lot easier to look past these faults due to the effectiveness of the rest of the film. There’s still plenty of originality on display here. It’s also a little surprising to see just how much the film embraces the dour “doom and gloom” angle for its story. It doesn’t hold back.

The Beach House is an atmospheric triumph from newcomer director Jeffrey A. Brown. He crafts a slick tale of invasion and destruction that’s both intimate and cosmically grand. The Beach House is both a loving throwback to monster pictures from yesteryear, but at the same time, it helps the genre evolve to new places. It’s the perfect cocktail where the strange unknown mixes with raw emotions.

Now go out and try to enjoy some nature.

The Beach House is now streaming on Shudder.

Editor’s Note: This review was originally published on October 18, 2019.

Daniel Kurland is a freelance writer, comedian, and critic, whose work can be read on Splitsider, Bloody Disgusting, Den of Geek, ScreenRant, and across the Internet. Daniel knows that "Psycho II" is better than the original and that the last season of "The X-Files" doesn't deserve the bile that it conjures. If you want a drink thrown in your face, talk to him about "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part II," but he'll always happily talk about the "Puppet Master" franchise. The owls are not what they seem.

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Frankie Freako crashes into theaters on October 4, 2024.

In  Frankie Freako , “After calling a late-night party hotline that promises out-of-this-world fun, uptight yuppie Conor Sweeney must battle the pint-sized forces of evil unleashed through his phone line, led by the maniacal rock n’ roll goblin  FRANKIE   FREAKO .”

Here’s the full plot synopsis: “Workaholic yuppie  Conor Sweeney  ( The Editor, Father’s Day ) has a dilemma: no one in his life respects him! Not his boss, not his coworkers, not even his wife Kristina, who thinks he’s an uptight “square”! Conor sees no way out of this existential rut until one night channel-surfing he catches a bizarre ad for a party hotline hosted by a strange dancing goblin: FRANKIE FREAKO. Conor is entranced by Frankie’s promises of wild and freaky adventures, just a phone call away – could this be the recipe to spice up his flavorless life?

“Home alone for the weekend, Conor works up the courage to dial the number for the Frankie Freako hotline. As soon as the call connects, it unleashes CHAOS into his white-collar world, releasing Frankie and his troublemaker friends from their dimensional prison. It’s a race against time as Conor must defeat the rambunctious ruffians and clean up their trail of destruction before Kristina returns from her trip, all while going on an unexpected journey of self-discovery.”

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Joe Lipsett wrote in his review out of Fantasia , “Like  PG ,  Frankie Freako channels a chaotic energy that makes for a breezy, easy to watch 80-minute film. It’s delightful, it’s silly, and it’s often extremely entertaining. If you yearn for a fun retro throwback to the era of Boglins, pay-per-minute infomercials, and beige yuppie suburban households, this is the film for you.”

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The Beach House (2020)

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The Beach House

A romantic getaway for two troubled college sweethearts turns into a struggle for survival when unexpected guests - and the surrounding environment - exhibit signs of a mysterious infection.

The Beach House Review: A Beautifully Grotesque Slow-burn Body Horror Chiller

If you're up for saltwater scares and feeling genuinely uncomfortable, Shudder's The Beach House is here for you.

Shudder's The Beach House Preview Is Creeping with Death [Exclusive]

Body horror comes to the beach in our exclusive clip from Shudder's upcoming movie The Beach House.

‘The Beach House’ review: bloody holiday from hell will get you right in the gut

You won't like to be beside the seaside in this case

T his low-budget indie horror film really benefits from director Jeffrey A. Brown’s clever sense of restraint. By the time we realise the truly gruesome threat facing Emily (Liana Liberato) and Randall ( The Get Down ’s Noah Le Gros), we’re fully invested in this likeable young couple’s fight for survival.

First-time feature director Brown has previously worked as a location manager on Netflix series Master of None and The OA , and his flair becomes apparent when the couple arrives as the titular beach house belonging to Randall’s family. The airy rooms and picturesque setting in what looks like New England would make it a firm favourite on Airbnb , but as Randall points out, the town itself seems oddly deserted. But when he and Emily enter the house, the potential for a quiet romantic weekend together is punctured by the unexpected presence of an older couple, Mitch ( Dawn of the Dead ’s Jake Weber) and Jane (Maryanne Nagel), who turn out to be friends of Randall’s dad.

The awkward foursome agree to share the house for the weekend, and when the wine runs out at dinner, Randall suggests they move onto some edibles he’d intended for him and Emily. As they get high together, Brown cranks up a creeping sense of unease at the beach house. When some pretty glimmers of light appear in the trees beyond the balcony, Jane asks Mitch if she can take a closer look. He’s apprehensive and intimates to Emily that Jane needs looking after because she isn’t very well – one of several breadcrumbs Brown drops to highlight the fragility of human life. Soon after, a strange noxious smell begins to envelop the house.

The Beach House then becomes pretty hellish pretty quickly – and a wince-inducing scene in which Emily removes a slithering worm-like organism from her foot is just the beginning. An earlier conversation in which she describes her passion for astrobiology – particularly the study of primitive life at the bottom of the ocean – proves to be grimly prophetic as the environment around them turns toxic in ever more monstrous ways. None of the characters can really comprehend what’s going on, and neither can we, which makes the film’s swelling terror even more menacing.

Though his script perhaps leaves too many questions unanswered, Brown definitely deserves credit for creating a genuinely scary, nightmarish scenario with just four characters and roughly the same number of sets. The Beach House is a tense, trippy and economical horror flick that often gets you right in the gut.

• Director: Jeffrey A. Brown
• Starring: Liana Liberato, Noah Le Gros, Jake Weber
• Release date: July 9 (Shudder)
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The beach house review: dull characters cheapen creepy thrills.

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After screening at a few film festivals last fall, horror movie  The Beach House is set to stream on Shudder. At first glance, the timing for its release to the general public couldn't be better, seeing that the film deals with a deadly infection that threatens to wipe out anyone who's affected. The timely subject matter might make for a good selling point, but unfortunately it isn't enough to elevate the final product to must-see status.  The Beach House has some suitably creepy moments, but it's ultimately hamstrung by an underdeveloped script that fails to connect with the audience.

The Beach House follows young couple Randall (Noah Le Gros) and Emily (Liana Liberato), who go to Randall's father's beach house as they look to mend what's becoming a strained relationship. Shortly after their arrival, Randall and Emily are surprised to learn an older married couple, Mitch (Jake Weber) and Jane (Maryann Nagel) - friends of Randall's dad - are staying at the house on vacation. Making the best of an awkward situation, the four have dinner together and learn about each other. But the following morning, strange occurrences take place, making the beach a not-so-inviting environment.

Related: Screen Rant's Greyhound Movie Review

Director Jeffrey A. Brown is successful in giving  The Beach House an eerie atmosphere. By choosing to set the film in a desolate beach town empty before the proper season starts, he goes a long way in injecting a sense of dread into the movie before the story really kicks in. While the location is most likely a byproduct of  The Beach House's smaller budget, it's effective for the purposes of the narrative, particularly when things take a turn for the worse and the emptiness is recontextualized. On this front, Brown and his team make the most of what they have to work with, and they definitely craft some unsettling sequences as  The Beach House builds towards its conclusion.

That said, whatever impact  The Beach House's scares may have is negated by a weak screenplay (which was also written by Brown). In particular, Brown struggles with characterization and makes it difficult for viewers to really get invested in the situation. The romance between Randall and Emily never really clicks, as the actors lack a genuine chemistry and there isn't much on the page for them to work with. As a result, any of the thrills that involve them are superficial at best and lack the proper level of emotional engagement to draw the viewer in. Likewise, Mitch and Jane are thinly-drawn supporting players who aren't that memorable. None of the performances in  The Beach House are bad, but they are all merely serviceable for what the film is attempting to achieve.

Brown's script tries to be a little more fascinating when the characters have discussions about humanity's fragility and the origins of life (Emily wants to study astro biology in grad school), but these conversations add little more than generic food for thought during the first act (trying to establish a larger connection with the main threat).  The Beach House drags along in the early going, struggling to establish any forward momentum to hook audiences. It takes a long time for the plot to really kick into gear, and when things finally do pick up it's a case of too little, too late.  The Beach House's meandering nature holds the film back from being something truly scary or captivating.

It's unfortunate  The Beach House turned out to be such a mixed bag, especially since there was potential here for something timely. As a helmsman, Brown stretches his minimal budget as far as it'll go ( The Beach House sports excellent production values considering what the crew was working with), but Brown the writer lets down Brown the director. Even with a dearth of new releases this year due to the coronavirus pandemic,  The Beach House doesn't do much to stand out. Those subscribed to Shudder may decide to check it out one day, but it's by no means something that'll entice newcomers to sign up.

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The Beach House  is now streaming on Shudder. It is 88 minutes long and is not rated.

The Beach House

The Beach House is a horror-thriller directed by Jeffrey A. Brown. The film follows a young couple, Emily and Randall, who retreat to a remote beach house in an attempt to mend their relationship. As unexpected guests arrive, the relaxing getaway takes a sinister turn, escalating into a terrifying fight for survival against an ominous environmental phenomenon. The Beach House stars Liana Liberato, Noah Le Gros, Maryanne Nagel, and Jake Weber.

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The Greatest Surf Movie In The Universe Review: A New Gold Standard In Cinematic Weener Fights

By Com Turren

Trigger warning: if you are weener adverse, then perhaps this article is not for you.

I have seen The Greatest Surf Movie In The Universe (hereinafter “TGSMITU”), alone, and in a completely empty theater (though I’m still planning on the La Paloma screening this Saturday evening and giving out free hugs).

Lest that description sound a little Paul Reubens, the circumcises…ahem…circumstances, of my decision to see this movie by myself must placed within their context before I penetrate into the substance of my review. Trigger warning: if you are weener adverse, then perhaps this article is not for you.

I got out of the water this morning after a rather shit surf and was approached by an alarmingly strung-out Pier Bowl vagrant whilst I was the middle of changing with only a towel around my waist. This gentleman presented me with a half-eaten bag of beef jerky, told me that he’d bought the whole thing for $12, but that he’d sell it to me for $5.

Having no desire for fentanyl-laced jerky or to part with $5 USD (that’s like, $30 AUS for you bogans), I replied that I had no cash on me and prepared for the possibility that I’d either need to retreat or defend myself with my weener flopping about in the event my response would make this guy snap (my plan was to throw the towel at his head in that event). His eyes narrowed menacingly, he took one small, aggressive step in my direction, feigned a laugh, and moved on.

In light of my near-run brush with naked combat, and given my weekend plans to see movie that prominently features weeners (i.e., TGSMITU), it occurred to me that there have been some pretty epic weener fights in cinema history. The viking movie The Northman comes to mind as the most recent example of this, though I was disappointed to learn that Alexander Skarsgard’s hog was never actually filmed and said appendage was added in post with CGI (I would absolutely put “weener CGI” as a skill on my resume were I part of that special effects team). Eastern Promises is a film where Viggo Mortensen (a.k.a. Aragorn) fights naked in a shower with a very real, non-CGI weener on prominent display. In the comedy department, Ken Jeong’s modest package features rather immodestly in a fight scene in The Hangover.

Having seen TGSMITU, however, I can decidedly say that this film has upped the ante in the cinematic weener combat department to unprecedented levels. More on that later.

Back to my morning, though I had already made plans to see TGSMITU in Encinitas the following evening, I couldn’t help but weener…ahem…wonder, how much of a USA-based distribution this film actually has. To my surprise, not only was TGSMITU screening at the AMC Theaters at the Block in Orange, the first show was started at 10:10 a.m. in roughly an hour. This was not an opportunity to be missed.

Though I expected the theater to be packed with dozens of passionate Brazilian surf fans, I found myself the only patron in the entire theater. That being said, there is (spoiler alert) not a single Brazzo featured in TGSMITU. It is therefore little wonder why they did not show up despite commanding the Californian numbers to constitute half of the fans present at every WSL Lowers Finals Day since that dumb format was established. Pedro Scooby and/or Ricardo Toledo clearly had a hand in this boycott.

And though I was utterly alone watching a surf movie like some miserable, lonely hermit, I enjoyed TGSMITU immensely. The stop motion animation came across far better than expected. The voice acting of the surfers was decidedly sharp and edited smartly to great comedic effect. Above all, there was only about 10 minutes of actual surfing in the film, which made me realize something about a full-length surf movie lasting over an hour—an endless string of clips gets really boring really quickly.

Perhaps TGSMITU’s crowning achievement, though, is the weener fight at the climax of the movie. In this instance, it is not merely stop motion animation of naked dolls fighting each other—the weeners themselves are the weapons. The fight choreography in that regard is also martially sound were one to assume that a weener could be implemented as a weapon of self-defense. There are weener thrusts, weener slashes, and weener parries that might otherwise be mistaken for a machete fight. And though most real weeners would obviously be incapable of such violence, it has made me seriously consider obtaining a sturdy dildo for home defense purposes.

The Hobbit Hemsworth is also delightful as the narrator, clearly having fun with his deadpan delivery. Even the otherwise annoying voice of Joe Turpel is used deftly within the comedic framework. Truth be told, I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard sitting all by myself since watching breakdancing in the Olympics last week.

Is this a movie that a non-surfer would find funny or even come close to understanding? Certainly not. Is this a movie that a casual surfer unfamiliar with the WSL and the world of professional surfing would appreciate? Not really. But would your average, below-the line BeachGrit denizen enjoy this movie? Absolutely.

Above all, TGSMITU is a surf movie that practically demands to be seen in a theater, whether you are sitting there by yourself, or within a packed theater with grown men insisting on giving out free hugs.

Either way, just don’t expect the Brazzos to show up.

Surfer Magazine boldly declares “surfing today” a 56-year-old white man in first print issue!

By Chas Smith

Kick rocks, Caity Simmers.

Shockwaves, this morning, through publishing as Surfer Magazine has returned to print with the bold declaration that surfing, today, is most wholly represented by a 53-year-old white man. The “Sport of Kings” is oft criticized for being retrograde and cloistered, though a shift toward progression is certainly underway. The women’s wild learning curve at waves like Pipeline and Teahupoo, for example, names like Caity Simmers and Vahine Fierro etched into history.

Or Morocco’s Ramzi Boukhaim flashing brave brilliance and earning worldwide respect. Maybe Australia’s Sasha Jane Lowerson cross-stepping right into the now.

But no, the AI-enhanced editor-in-chief “Jake Howard,” crunched data and determined that the best visual representation of what surfing is, at this historical moment, is Kelly Slater.

Surfer , you will recall, died a miserable death at the hands of the National Enquirer’s David Pecker some handful of years back. Its corpse dumped in a shallow pit. Grave robbers calling themselves “The Arena Group” came under shadow of darkness, scooped the bones into a wheelbarrow, hustled back to a murky office building and re-animated the rot with AI. Soon, “Emily Morgan” was “writing” about Surf Lakes from Tennessee’s Smoky Mountains.

After getting in big trouble for dressing bots as people, Surfer hired the aforementioned overlord, “Howard,” who almost presents as a real boy, and then announced it would return to print.

The question “What is surfing today?” hovering in the upper lefthand corner of the first Arena Group issue cover answered by the 55-year-old Slater crouching in tube then gracing readers with a lengthy interview where he lets slip “The sporting side of surfing is just a small aspect for the average person, if at all. You have 20 million people around the world surfing, maybe tens of millions more than that, and the sporting side is non-existent for almost every one of those people.”

Korbel bottles popping, cigars lit in Surfer’s various home offices, toasting bold vision and wild trend forecasting.

Welcome to the bleeding edge.

Randy DJ FISHER set to demolish 1950’s beach shack to build nine-storey tower with “unobstructed beach views”

By Derek Rielly

FISHER more than the sum of his outrageous sexual gambits and bank of techno anthems.

Only two years ago, the former-pro-surfer-turned-DJ Paul Fisher, was on a podcast revealing his sexually explicit homosexual fantasies involving Chris Hemsworth and Connor McGregor.  

“I would definitely have to fuck Hemsworth,” said FISHER as he played a game called Fuck, Marry, Kill. “That thing, imagine slapping that fucking arse, it’s pretty good.”

FISHER then nominated the former UFC champion in both the featherweight and lightweight divisions Conor McGregor as someone whom he would enjoy getting down on his knees behind before, cock red as a cheap piece of fishing tackle, working away like a billy goat.

No fuck in vain, as they say.

Little did the world know that randy DJ FISHER was more than the sum of these outrageous sexual gambits and a bank of techno anthems including the wildly anti-work and sexually explosive Just Feels Tight.  

Quietly, FISHER had been buying up exceptional pieces of beachfront land at Palm Beach on Queensland’s Gold Coast.

In 2020, he spent $A2.1 million for a 4000 square foot parcel and followed that up when he bought the neighbouring block three years later for $A3.1 mill.  

Now his plans for a gorgeous nine-storey tower comprising six three bedders and a four-bed penthouse with a rooftop terrace, have been revealed. Two houses, including a 1950’s beach shack, will be demolished for the build.  

According to documents lodged with council, ‘

“The podium base takes reference from the beach shack vernacular of Palm Beach, symbolised by character brickwork” and “This project prioritises spaciousness and liveability, catering to families while emphasising natural light, ventilation, and panoramic views.”

Fisher’s company, YLB Property Developments reflects the initial’s of FISHER’s 2019 hit You Little Beauty.  

Palm Beach is what you would call a recovering suburb, at least if you wanted to be kind. There’s a veneer of hipness, like most of the Gold Coast, but you don’t have to scratch too hard to find the hopelessness that lays just beneath.

Dirty apartments with kids curled under dirty fur blankets. Babies sucking on methadone lozenges. Open cans and cigarettes on the floor. The TV on a perpetual whining cycle. Unemployment (yeah, there’s a social security building on the beachside of the highway) is its major trade. Welcome to Palm-y.

But then there’s the beach, a stretch, five or so miles long, from first avenue on its southern border to 28th in the north. It’s sand so the quality varies but, often, with the wind out of the south, and the swell a little east, you’ll be struck by how good it gets. I lived there for a few years and found it a sublime escape from the crowds and the predictability of the points.

Another notable resident of Palm Beach is Kelly Slater, who dropped just over two mill for a whole-floor beachfront apartment, on sexy little Jefferson Lane.

Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch submits bid to host surfing at LA ’28 Olympics!

Cowboy hat into the five rings.

The ’24 Paris Games is just barely in the rearview, the joys still reverberating across valleys, around mountains and over oceans. Surfing’s second Olympic offering, conducted in French Polynesia, was a mixed bag. An iconic image of Gabriel Medina going viral and a day so big and terrifying that the King of Teahupoo Filipe Toledo became too scared to paddle, on one hand. Small, inconsistent, lully days, on the other hand.

At the end, the other hand seemed to have a firmer grip with such stalwarts as JP Currie claiming that if surfing is to, indeed, have any Olympic future, the only real option is to throw it into a tank where

To wit, an impeccable source has shared that Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch has thrown its cowboy hat into the ring to host the surfing shortboard portion of LA ’28.

The plow, some 200 miles up the 5 freeway from Los Angeles in the middle of an industrial farming hellscape, is not the palm tree’d postcard Southern California beach scene

I have a solid feeling that Huntington Beach will win, at the end, even though brave LGBTQ+ Olympic hopefuls will be very discouraged. Surf City, USA didn’t come by the moniker lightly, flashing teeth and biting Santa Cruz hard in order to win the dub. Lemoore, I’d imagine, would experience a greater grape of wrath.

Back to Olympic surfing, though. If Huntington doesn’t snuff the flame right out, do you think Brisbane ’32 will re-ignite it bigly?

Mick Fanning coming out of retirement to ride for the Southern Cross?

David Lee Scales and I did not discuss Mick Fanning, specifically, during our weekly chat, but did get into a savage Layne Beachley story. You must hear to believe.

Former World Surf League commentator Shannon Hughes reveals booth to be house of toxic sexist horrors

"In 2022. I lost the majority of my work because a man groped me and I said something about it."

Professional surfing and its commentary form one of the most life’s most delicate tangos. The professional surfer showcasing his or her talent, trying to best an opponent by achieving speed, power and flow. The commentator, in booth, describing the nuances of priority, interference, speed, power and flow. The surf fan, watching and listening at home, is mesmerized by it all and, likely, imagines the commentary booth to be a paradise of sorts.

Shock, then, today when the very popular surf commentator Shannon Hughes revealed it to be a house of toxic sexist horrors. Taking to Instagram, the talented voice pulled no punches in describing the bad behavior, though not detailing which professional surfing governing body for which she was calling the action.

“In 2022,” she wrote, “I lost the majority of my work because a man groped me and I said something about it. In 2023, I had a producer aggressively seek to stop me from commentating with another woman because he considered it ‘unprofessional’ for two women to comentate together in sport. Almost a decade ago now, my male co-commentator did everything he could to not let me speak on air. At the end of the day, he chastised the producers for putting me and another woman alongside him, before stating in front of a group of ourpeers that he refused to ever work with a woman in the booth again.”

Extremely disturbing.

Hughes, who just finished calling the Olympics, signaled that she is stepping away from surf commentary in order to heal various ailments but also promised to return for the sake of women in sport.

Here’s to hoping the return comes sooner rather than later.

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Is Jake Gyllenhaal's 'Road House' better than the 1980s original? Honestly, that's a low bar

There’s this thing where anything from the 1980s or ’90s is considered better than it really was, even though anyone who was around back then knows the truth.

Still, somewhere someone is flicking a lighter and grooving to “Every Rose Has Its Thorn,” a single tear running down their face. And it IS sad, though for a different reason.

Or take “Road House.” The 1989 movie starring Patrick Swayze hasn’t aged well, and by that I mean it wasn’t anything more than a stupid laugh five minutes after it came out. It was dumb then and worse now, but our inexhaustible thirst for nostalgia has somehow tricked people’s brains into pop-culture amnesia to the point they think it was some kind of low-grade classic.

Is 'Road House' a remake?

Now there is a relatively faithful remake, starring Jake Gyllenhaal in the Swayze role, directed by Doug Liman (“Edge of Tomorrow”), so a reasonable question to ask is whether it’s better than the original.

It is, much. Then again, the original is awful. (I’ll agree to dumb fun, with lines like, “Pain don’t hurt,” but only a little.)

This time around, Dalton (Gyllenhaal) is a Bouncer with a Past, but a different past — he’s a former UFC fighter. He shows up at underground fight-for-cash events around the country, where his mere presence and the sight of his abs are enough to make his opponents cower. (Post Malone is funny as one of the would-be fighters.)

At one such event, Frankie (Jessica Williams) sees him and hires him as the bouncer at Road House — two words, they explain it — in Glass Key, in the Florida Keys. It’s in a gritty little town, and at first Dalton’s method of keeping the peace seems to be sitting at the bar while a riot breaks out around him. It's a rather Zen-like approach. But when he bestirs himself sufficiently to break up fights, that’s not all he breaks.

But he’s a decent sort, so he takes the people he’s injured to the nearest hospital, where he meets Ellie (Daniela Melchior), a local doctor. If you’ve seen the original, you know where that’s leading; if you haven’t, you probably do, too.

Ben Brandt (Billy Magnussen, great at this sort of thing), the snotty son of a local crime lord, who is currently in prison, has an unusual interest in the Road House. He keeps sending bikers in to tear up the place on a regular basis and Dalton keeps sending them back bruised and broken. So Ben’s dad gets involved, calling in the big guns in the form of Knox (real-life UFC fighter Conor McGregor), one of the more gleefully unhinged villains in recent memory.

Jake Gyllenhaal seems like he's in on the joke

When Dalton says he’s in town to clean up some trouble, someone tells him: “That kind of sounds like the plot of a Western.” Later, that’s amended to sounding like the plot of a mystery Western, but it’s all leading to a showdown. And another and another and another — these are tough guys, after all.

Thanks to Limon, the action is a lot more realistic and innovative — at one point, the audience sees Knox from the perspective of being repeatedly punched in the face by him. Magnussen is fun as a character both spoiled and long-suffering; Arturo Castro is funny as a goofball biker who’s always the last to be let in on the gang’s plans.

But Gyllenhaal is the main improvement. He’s not a walking cliché; in fact, he seems like he’s in on the joke, that this is not a particularly serious movie, but he’s going to have some serious fun playing his role. That doesn’t mean he plays it for laughs. He’s just a more thoughtful Dalton, which may have something to do with being surrounded by better actors in a better movie.

And no one gets their throat torn out.

No one is going to mistake “Road House” for a masterpiece, but it succeeds far better at being what the original film set out to be.

Top picks: The 10 best movies of 2023

'Road House' 3 stars

Great ★★★★★ Good ★★★★

Fair ★★★ Bad ★★ Bomb ★

Director: Doug Limon.

Cast: Jake Gyllenhaal, Daniela Melchior, Conor McGregor.

Rating: Rated R for violence throughout, pervasive language and some nudity.

How to watch: Stream on Prime Video on Friday, March 22.

Reach Goodykoontz at   [email protected] . Facebook:   facebook.com/GoodyOnFilm . X:   @goodyk . Subscribe to   the weekly movies newsletter .

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The Beach House Reviews

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The Crush House review - reality TV has never been this truthful

Shooting your shot.

I always feel a little icky when I say I'm a fan of reality TV. It's no doubt a pop-culture titan, but it's also a genre that comes with a lot of problematic baggage. Exploitation, humiliation, hypersexualization, reinforced gender essentialism - the list goes on and on. The controversial topics the genre is tangled up in is - put lightly - a complete nightmare, but I can't stop watching. It's not just the drama (although I love the drama, too), I also like watching humans just be human, you know? I connect with the authenticity on screen, seeing people's emotions in their rawest form.

This duality of reality TV is endlessly fascinating. By watching these shows, what is my role as a spectator? What systems am I participating in when I tune in to watch? Self-described "thirst-person shooter" The Crush House sets out to comment on the complexity of this relationship, and successfully delivers. It's a satirical comedy that pokes fun at the shallowness and manufactured nature of the TV genre and tops it all off with a cheeky wink and peace sign gesture. It's fun, dynamic, and has something to say.

The Crush House puts you in the role of a TV producer of a 90s reality TV show who must film a cast of hotties and their drama in a bubblegum pink Malibu mansion for a ravenous audience. You need to record the cast each day – catching their intimate conversations, trivial catfights, and steamy romances on camera – while also keeping track of what viewers want to see. You have a targeted viewership to satisfy each day set by the omnipresent 'Network' and if you don't deliver those numbers the show will be cancelled, and you'll be asked to sashay away.

Each day begins with you picking up your camcorder in your dingy basement room (the fancy suits are reserved for the talent) and setting out into the mansion. When you start recording, audiences will begin to tune in, their comments popping up in text bubbles via a live chat on the right side of the screen. Each audience group demands different things, like how the Drama Queens want to see the cast's squabbles or how Sexy Seekers are thirsty for an on-screen smooch. It can get pretty niche like how plants will satisfy Landscaping Lovers, swimming pools and sinks keep the Plumbers happy, and the Butt Guys want to see, well, butts. Icons on the screen indicate when you have a particular item or cast member in a shot, and your audience will react to that. When you satisfy multiple audiences at once, icons and comments start to pop off in a feeding frenzy of activity and your viewership will spike.

Filming the right moments is fun and frantic. One minute, I'm filming nerdy Veer and quiet Milo (who are currently enemies but I sense a flirty undertone), but suddenly I spot girl-next-door Hannah and wildcard Prisilica getting cosy in the background. I sense something is about to happen so I stop recording, race over to the pool, and line up my shot just in time to get their smooch on camera. The Sexy Seekers and Girls for Girls viewers love it, the Plumbers start chatting about pool filters, and I make sure to rotate my camera to a Dutch angle to satisfy the Film Students. The chat instantly picks up, the satisfying little icons are popping off, and my views are through the roof. Perfection. I'm unstoppable. I am the Kubrick of reality TV.

I love this twist of traditional FPS norms. Instead of rushing across a map with a sniper rifle in hand, I'm racing across a sunkissed Barbie mansion to get the perfect shot of two cute women smooching. It's not just the case of pointing your camera in the general direction of two cast members but manoeuvring in a way to get the best shot. Audiences get bored quickly so you're always on the move, trying to keep their attention. As days go on satisfying them gets more challenging, and with the Network constantly upping the number of audiences you need to satisfy for the day, you'll need to be savvy in what you shoot and how you shoot it.

Hustling to maintain the viewership of an audience with the attention span of a toddler is a commentary in itself. My role as a camera operator is to essentially objectify the cast members, turning their experiences into commodity sludge to be consumed by viewers. This means it can be pretty narrative-breaking when you can please your audience without filming the cast at all. The game's system makes it so that as long as you have a bunch of objects in a shot that resonates with your viewers, they couldn't care less about the cast - which could be a commentary in itself but it really took me out of the frenzy of activity. It doesn't happen a lot, but in these moments, the fantasy completely dissolves like a sparkly bath bomb.

The game's upbeat pace quickly pushes you along however, and with plenty of distractions too. It's incredibly self-aware, especially when it takes a tongue-in-cheek jab at reality TV. The cast chug a seemingly never-ending supply of 'Crush Juice', placed everywhere throughout the mansion; the show's mascot is a creepy unblinking furby that's always watching; and grotesque adverts will play whenever you're not recording, which include Dogmilk (a hotdog wiener dipped in milk), a giant slow-motion ass for Butts TV, and subscription for a funeral service. Everything is drenched in a pastel filter and the mansion is complete with palm trees, neon hearts, inflatable flamingos, and 100-degree heat. It's like you've been transported to a sun-kissed hellscape.

The cast only contributes to how ridiculous everything is. At the start of each season (which lasts an in-game week) you get to pick four characters from a group of twelve. These hopeful hotties include stereotypical archetypes like Alex the loveable himbo, Joyumi, the 'sexy ice queen', and Emile a hairy chested hunk (who gave me the most toe-curling ick after announcing "I cannot go two days without wetting my whistle"). I'm personally a huge fan of motormouth 'Save the drama for your Mama' Ayo, whose thirst for TV time knows no bounds and insists on getting their butt in shot as much as possible.

All the classic reality TV archetypes are present, albeit with a lot more diversity across the queer spectrum in how folks express themselves - and also in just how horny everyone is for everyone else. Relationships meanwhile can change as quickly as the audience's opinion of them. Blue-haired nightclub promoter Coco and wanna-be crypto bro Gunther might proclaim their love for each other in the morning, but then have a heated disagreement about margaritas and hate each other by the evening. The drama starts on day one and continues to roll out every day until the Season ends. There are a bunch of different personalities and their petty drama to get attached to, but my love of the cast did waver upon learning that dialogue isn't locked into one character, but shared amongst the cast. If you repeat days or replay the game, for instance, you'll see the same conversations but being spoken by different characters, which takes away from each character having their own personality.

As you reach the end of your first Season, things start to take a turn and you begin to learn that there's something darker going on underneath the pink pastel surface. A strange voice crackles through to your walkie-talkie calling you to a previously-closed elevator that takes you beneath the house. Things start to unravel from there and cracks begin to show in the perfect paradise facade, including the cast. At night when the show is off-air they'll hang around the mansion asking you for favours, mostly to do with how they're portrayed on screen. The majority of them want to be stars, willing to participate in the circus of the entertainment-industry institution to obtain that dream. You get to see glimpses of their real selves before the mask goes back on - it's humanising, and a big reality check. Of course, this isn't allowed, as stated by the Network's two golden rules: Don't talk to the cast, and the audience is always right. So, what happens when these rules get broken?

The Crush House has multiple endings, but they all connect to one ultimate 'truth' about the house and the reality TV show machine in general. I'm doing my best to dance around spoilers here, but if this Barbie-style mansion is a contorted, disturbing alternate reality constructed for consumers, what exists beyond the beaches of this tropical island prison paradise? The Crush House's ultimate conclusion zeroes in on how reality TV offers its contestants and audience an escape from one reality to another - for better or worse.

Even though some parts might momentarily break the illusion, The Crush House maintains its shiny sheen of plastic perfection (one that hides a dark, sickly goo inside). It touches upon multiple facets of reality TV with sharp satire and wit, including the nature of the relationships we have with contestants on these shows, the industrial churn of people and their lives for our entertainment, and the truth of what's captured on screen impacting what's happening when the cameras are off. You'll definitely want to tune in for this one.

A copy of The Crush House was provided for review by Devolver Digital .

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