this i believe essay always go to the funeral

Words of wisdom: Always go to the funeral.

About 10 years ago National Public Radio broadcast a series of essays called “This I Believe.” Some of the essays were by famous people, others by people I had never heard of. The one I remember best was called “Always Go to the Funeral.” It was funny, moving, unexpected, with a message simple and practical.

That essay often pops into my mind, usually when I am on the way to a funeral. Recently, I realized I would make one small adjustment to its pithy advice. “Do it for the family,” the essayist Deirdre Sullivan recalls her father instructing her when he dropped her 16-year-old self off at the funeral service of her fifth-grade teacher. These days I would say, “Do it for yourself.”

Cheerfully attending to whatever unwelcome task crops up is not to my mind a common or even natural trait in human beings.

Funerals are instructive. I learn things I never knew about the person who died, things that make me think more about how they lived and what their lives say about their faith and values. A recent funeral service for Mr. Bliss—a man I knew almost all of my life, though never well—surprised me when a daughter described her father as a man so meticulous and methodical that he never lost his keys, wallet or sunglasses. She then shared that Mr. Bliss happily did any job that needed to be done at his home or office. Cheerfully attending to whatever unwelcome task crops up is not to my mind a common or even natural trait in human beings. I had always found Mr. Bliss a friendly soul, but I came away from his funeral persuaded that he was something more: a formidably organized, well-disciplined personality who had attained an equanimity of spirits as rare as it is impressive. When I learned that among the many items he never lost was his temper, the word “saintly” crossed my mind.

Last month I attended my aunt’s memorial service. There was never a question of my not going to this service. For one thing, she was my aunt, and I only had two of them. For another, she was a star. She and her husband lived 600 miles away in Denver, where they moved in a constant whirl of activity. They were a great couple. He was witty and quick, with deadpan humor and superb timing. She was warm and vivacious. They both liked a good time and had one. One of my cousins said she thought of putting on her mother’s tombstone: “She sure had fun.”

People’s lives testify to their beliefs as much or more than their words.

I wish I had asked my aunt what she believed. I wonder what she would have said. But she was not one for introspection or philosophizing. She lived in the present. Empathetic and emotional, she was also pragmatic and levelheaded. Nobody teared up more quickly about the misfortunes of friends or strangers alike than her. And yet she was not lachrymose or depressed but energetic and vital. An innate joie de vivre drew people to her. She loved meeting them and connecting them to others. At the memorial reception hosted by her children there was much discussion of “The Claw,” the hand that descended on your forearm and firmly grasped it as she steered you toward a person she was convinced you needed to meet because he or she was in the same line of work or had a daughter or son who was or had just returned from a spot where you were going or knew something you would want to learn.

People’s lives testify to their beliefs as much or more than their words. Their habits paint a picture of what they really put stock in: friendship or an ideal of excellence or security or wealth or whatever it is that animates them. Hearing a eulogy at a funeral nudges me into thinking about my own conduct. It is a lesson in life, one bigger than I will ever fully grasp.

Listening to friends and family members talk about the person they have lost, I know that I am tuning into the last few bars of music, the faint receding chords of a symphony that I have largely missed. The conductor has put down his baton; the music has ceased, but everyone at the funeral is still caught up in the spell of what has been played. There is a sense of mystery that draws me in. It is in that mystery we honor wherein my faith and the faith of the dead meet briefly in communion.

Margot Patterson is a writer who lives in Kansas City, Mo.

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Always Go to the Funeral: A 'This I Believe' Essay Audible Audiobook – Unabridged

• Listening Length 3 minutes
• Author Deirdre Sullivan
• Narrator Deirdre Sullivan
• Audible release date October 3, 2007
• Language English
• Publisher Macmillan Audio
• ASIN B000WS9ZG0
• Version Unabridged
• Program Type Audiobook
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Book details

Always Go to the Funeral

A "This I Believe" Essay

This I Believe

Author: Deirdre Sullivan; read by the author; Jay Allison and Dan Gediman, eds.

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Deidre Sullivan describes the lessons she learned from her father's advice to "Always Go To The Funeral" for NPR’s This I Believe series. This I Believe is a National Public Radio program that features Americans, from the famous to the unknown, completing the thought that begins with the series title. The pieces that make up the program compel listeners to re-think not only what and how they have arrived at their own personal beliefs, but also the extent to which they share them with others. Featuring a star-studded list of contributors that includes John McCain, Isabel Allende, and Colin Powell, as well as pieces from the original 1950's series including Helen Keller and Jackie Robinson, the This I Believe book collection also contains essays by a Brooklyn lawyer, a woman who sells yellow pages advertising in Fort Worth, TX and a man who serves on the state of Rhode Island's parole board. The result is a stirring, funny and always provocative trip inside the minds and hearts of a diverse group of Americans whose beliefs, and the incredibly varied ways in which they choose to express them, reveal the American spirit at its best. This short audio essay is an excerpt from the audiobook edition of NPR's This I Believe anthology.

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Macmillan Audio

9781427203984

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Always Go to the Funeral

• A 'This I Believe' Essay
• By: Deirdre Sullivan
• Narrated by: Deirdre Sullivan
• Length: 3 mins
• 3.7 out of 5 stars 3.7 (3 ratings)

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• Series: This I Believe , Book 1: Essay 72
• Unabridged Audiobook
• Categories: Politics & Social Sciences

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A "This I Believe" Essay

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• #3780 in Nonfiction , Religion & Spirituality , New Age , Personal Transformation

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Deidre Sullivan describes the lessons she learned from her father's advice to "Always Go To The Funeral" for NPR’s This I Believe series.

This I Believe is a National Public Radio program that features Americans, from the famous to the unknown, completing the thought that begins with the series title. The pieces that make up the program compel listeners to re-think not only what and how they have arrived at their own personal beliefs, but also the extent to which they share them with others.

Featuring a star-studded list of contributors that includes John McCain, Isabel Allende, and Colin Powell, as well as pieces from the original 1950's series including Helen Keller and Jackie Robinson, the This I Believe book collection also contains essays by a Brooklyn lawyer, a woman who sells yellow pages advertising in Fort Worth, TX and a man who serves on the state of Rhode Island's parole board. The result is a stirring, funny and always provocative trip inside the minds and hearts of a diverse group of Americans whose beliefs, and the incredibly varied ways in which they choose to express them, reveal the American spirit at its best.

This short audio essay is an excerpt from the audiobook edition of NPR's This I Believe anthology.

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Audiobook details.

• Macmillan Audio
• Release Date: October 3, 2006
• Imprint: Macmillan Audio
• ISBN: 9781427203984
• Language: English
• File size: 2 MB

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Always Go to the Funeral - A "This I Believe" Essay

Deirdre sullivan.

Narrator Deirdre Sullivan

Publisher: Macmillan Audio

• Body, Mind & Spirit

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This I Believe

Remembering all the boys.

Elvia Bautista, 22, lives in Santa Rosa, Calif., where she works as a caregiver for the elderly and mentally handicapped. A high school dropout, Bautista now speaks to young people about the dangers of gang life. Tatiana Harrison hide caption

I believe that everyone deserves flowers on their grave.

When I go to the cemetery to visit my brother, it makes me sad to see graves -- just the cold stones -- and no flowers on them.

They look lonely, like nobody loves them. I believe this is the worst thing in the world -- that loneliness. No one to visit you and brush off the dust from your name and cover you with color. A grave without any flowers looks like the person has been forgotten. And then what was the point of even living -- to be forgotten?

Almost every day my brother's grave has something new on it: Flowers from me, or candles from the Dollar Store or an image of the Virgin Maria or shot glasses. There's even some little Homies, these little toys that look like gangsters.

Once my brother's homies even put a bunch of marijuana on there for him -- I think my mother took it away. I think she also took away the blue rag someone put there for him one day.

Sometimes, when I bring flowers, I fix the flowers on the graves around my brother's grave. Some of the headstones have birthdates near my brother's; they are young, too. But many of them, if they have any little toys or things on them, those are red.

All around my brother are boys who grew up to like red, making them the enemies of my brother. My brother was 16 when he was shot by someone who liked red, who killed him because he liked blue. And when I go to the cemetery I put flowers on the graves of the boys who liked red, too.

Sometimes I go to the cemetery with one of my best friends, who had a crush on a boy who liked red, who was killed at 18 by someone who liked blue. And we will go together and bring a big bunch of flowers, enough for both of these boys whose families are actually even from the same state in Mexico.

There is no one but me and a few of my friends who go to both graves. Some people think it's a bad idea. Some people think it's heroic.

I think they're both being silly. I don't go to try and disrespect some special rules or stop any kind of war. I go because I believe that no matter where you came from or what you believed in, when you die, you want flowers on your grave and people who visit you and remember you that way.

I'm not any kind of traitor or any kind of hero. I am the sister of Rogelio Bautista, and I say his name so you will hear it and be one more person that remembers him. I want everyone to remember all the boys, red and blue, in my cemetery. When we remember, we put flowers on their graves.

More 'This I Believe' Essays

Deirdre sullivan: always go to the funeral, mary cook: the hardest work you will ever do, father's day 2007, josh rittenberg: tomorrow will be a better day.